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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
Snitzelvoncrumb · 05/11/2018 05:15

If you choose a destination wedding, then this is usually what happens. It will still be fantastic, don't take it personally, people have probably just realised how much it will cost. If you want a big wedding then you will need to pick somewhere close to home.

Phillipa12 · 05/11/2018 05:20

Off course people were enthusiastic about your wedding, but they probably had not actually costed up the price of going. Flights, hotel, outfits, possible kennelling/cattery, annual leave, spending money, wedding gift. Dont take it personally, weddings are expensive and this is also true for guests, your destination wedding has probably in all reality priced half your guests out off going, that or their priorities lie elsewhere.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/11/2018 05:23

Don't take it personally. It gets unbelievably expensive to spend even a few days away.

MarthasGinYard · 05/11/2018 05:26

Pay for the family you want to go?

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 05:36

It isn’t personal. You are getting married overseas, you have to accept that people might nit be abke to afford it in terms of time or money. If you want a big wedding, then you need to do it closer to home.

I wanted a small wedding, so I did a destination one.

Unicyclethief · 05/11/2018 05:39

Not everyone can afford it... but you are paying? Right? If not, then of course no one is coming.

Outfoxed · 05/11/2018 05:39

I don’t think it’s fair to put “not having an outfit” on the same level of excuse as having no one to care for an animal. Not everyone can afford a cattery/kennel or even have a pet which could cope with it.
It’s a shame your loved ones might not be able to make it, but that’s part and parcel with getting married abroad.

TheSerenDipitY · 05/11/2018 05:39

have a small wedding in the UK, if thats where you are from, and go to Spain for your honeymoon, its a pretty big ask people to outlay possibly thousands of Pounds/Dollars to see you get married.... i know its the most important day of your life etc etc but its not their most important day

HollyGoLoudly1 · 05/11/2018 05:40

not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can

They might technically have the money but not have it spare for your wedding iykwim. I was in this position for a friend's wedding. All together, flights, hotel, spending money, airport transfers, gift, outfit etc etc. it was well over £1000. Yes I have that in savings but I couldn't justify spending it on a wedding for a friend. We had 3 other weddings that same year too - it gets unbelievably expensive even without going abroad!

I also made up a wishy-washy excuse because discussing money can be awkward. Like the others say, don't take it personally. I'm sure most of the decliners would have loved to celebrate with you if it were a local wedding.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2018 05:42

The only people I would travel abroad to see get married are my children, and even then I would find the expense difficult. I hope you have a lovely day, it's not the number of guests that makes a wedding or a marriage.

JulesOnGo · 05/11/2018 05:58

We got married in Spain, we live here. Only wanted something small anyway because I can't stand all the stress and drama that seems to happen with most weddings.

Most of the people we invited live in different countries so we expected some no's and that was fine. We invited 27 and had 23 come. It was great. Intimate and fun.

We hired a big villa for the week (we paid for) so everyone could stay for however long they wanted. Some made it a weeks holiday, some came for a long weekend.
We hired a minibus (we paid for) and picked people up and took them back to the airport.
We knew a couple of people would find it financially a struggle, so we paid for their flights.

That's what you need to do if you want the special people to you there.

We were relaxed about the whole thing and the entire wedding (villa, car, flights) cost us £2k.

Santaclarita · 05/11/2018 06:01

You can't expect heaps with a destination wedding. Expect immediate family only. I wouldn't even have invited anyone other than that to be honest.

AgentProvocateur · 05/11/2018 06:05

You need to pay for the people you desperately want to be there if you get married abroad. It’s part and parcel of an overseas wedding.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/11/2018 06:06

JulesonGo £2,000?! That’s astonishing. You need to set up as a travel agent!

OP I expect they liked the idea but the logistics/money ruled it out when they came to booking it.

Birdie69 · 05/11/2018 06:09

If you wanted everyone to come, you should surely have arranged a wedding here ? Then go to Spain for your honeymoon if you like it there. Expecting people to fork out thousands of ££ to see you get married, is a cheek in my book.

KC225 · 05/11/2018 06:21

I agree that a destination wedding is a big ask - (and I eloped to Las Vegas). Aside from the immediate family, I wouldn't now now with a mortgage, kids and pets etc. I think you are unreasonable to call people's reasons for not coming 'poor'. As already pointed out, its annual leave, tickets, airport parking/trains, accommodation etc. That is before you factor in wedding outfits, gifts etc.

Its also irrelevant that you are the first wedding in 35 years - its unfair to start goading people with that unless you are paying for them to attend.

Twenty people will be a lovely wedding. Have a celebration when you get home for the people who could attend. You get to wear your wedding gnoutifts again.

speakout · 05/11/2018 06:23

You may be excited about your wedding.

Most other people are not.

pictish · 05/11/2018 06:27

Sorry but yabu. When you decide to hold your wedding in another country you have to understand that a lot of people invited won’t go. It’s a big ask of people. Too big in my opinion...although weddings abroad do seem to be more common these days. You’re talking a lot of money, upheaval and time out of other people’s pot.

It could be that they would go if it was someone else, I have no idea what the hierarchy within your family or social circle is like...but I think it’s fair to say that the wedding abroad is rather a small affair for most as they accept that not everyone is going to prioritise it.

Personally i think having 20 people go to Spain for it is good going.

Giantbanger · 05/11/2018 06:30

It’s expensive to travel to a destination wedding.

Plus people don’t always have enough leave.

Plus school for kids and getting time off authorised.

pictish · 05/11/2018 06:30

And OP...even if they can afford it, that doesn’t mean they want to allocate it there. I wouldn’t. I have far more important, personal and interesting things to blow hundreds on than someone else’s wedding.
True story. Sorry.

Giantbanger · 05/11/2018 06:33

I had a friend who organised a wedding in Italy.

When she was chatting about it I said “sure I’d love to go”

18 months later when the invite hit the mat I had changed my job, bought a house, and just didn’t have the spare cash to allocate to a week away. 4 days minimum and it would have cost me the guts of £800 by the time I paid accommodation, flights, outfit and present.

Yutes · 05/11/2018 06:33

YABU.

Destination weddings unfortunately will mean less people. It’s the cost of travel, accommodation, food and outfit (and possibly wedding gifts). Not to mention annual leave and any other responsibilities.

It’s a bit naff citing lack of outfit as a reason to not go but 20 people is brilliant. And tbh, as long as you’re having the day you want and marrying the person you love, then does much else matter?

If you want more people to attend you should organise a more local wedding.

Biancadelriosback · 05/11/2018 06:35

One of the problems with destination weddings is you're asking people to go on holiday with other people they may not want to. It's so awkward when you are on your holidays and bump into an acquaintance or an ex colleague. You feel obligated to sit with them at brekky or make small talk round the pool. When it's family it's hard to do your own thing as someone will come with or someone will be annoyed that you've gone off without everyone else. It's just stressful! I've been to two destination weddings and I won't go to a third.

glitterelf · 05/11/2018 06:36

Yabu getting married abroad will always result in people not being able to come or not wanting to come for whatever reasons. Also with brexit and what's being said in the news about traveling next year and the issues we may face could also be playing a factor in the decisions being made. I've declined two family weddings in the past for very valid reasons yet know I was slagged off to the hilt for my decision but it was the right one for me and my family.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/11/2018 06:38

I can't help feeling it's a bit arrogant to expect people to spend a large proportion (if not all) of their holiday budget (perhaps meaning they can't go on an actual holiday), annual leave, and organisational hassle to attend a wedding and then put the blame for non-acceptance of invitations (what fresh hell is 'declines' as a noun?) on them. Nobody is obliged to put your wedding above their own needs. if you had really wanted people there (and for them to have a stress-free experience) you would have married in this country.

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