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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
Oirobnooo · 05/11/2018 08:22

I am so sorry, but I am finding it hard to get past this:

I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it

That being the case (and I am sure you are not alone, in fact it#'s probably quite common) just don't do it.

Honestly it does sound like the whole thing is a bit too much for you...and you now have the perfect excuse to make it you, DP and immediate family only. Win, win.

Have a wonderful day and ...MUCH more to the point...a wonderful marriage

pictish · 05/11/2018 08:23

I don’t think you’re quite getting it. Even if they can technically afford it that doesn’t mean they are going to allocate those funds there.
Yes, they may well say they don’t like the sun then go to Thailand for two weeks. That translates as: I am happy to allocate these funds to a destination of my choice and time. I’m not bothered about spending it on your wedding though, soz.

They can’t actually say that so they come up with some pish by way of an excuse. Don’t take it personally...it’s just weddings abroad...loads of people resent the demands of them and choose not to attend...which is ok.

RhythmStix · 05/11/2018 08:24

I don't understand the whole 'destination wedding' phenomenon. Can people not understand how much more expensive it is? it's basically the equivalent of a foreign holiday in terms of cost. OP are you willing to pay the cost of flights and hotels?
What do people get from a destination wedding that they don't get from a normal home based one? and are wedding presents still expected?

GreenandBlueButterfly · 05/11/2018 08:25

Why have you chosen to do it in Spain? Is the location more important than the people for you? Did you send a full plan about how they would get from the airport to the location? Have you arranged for someone to be the "interpreter" for older relatives arriving alone? Have you arranged transfers from the airport?

It's not just the money. Some people will obviously get nervous about getting somewhere abroad in their own, especially if they are not used to traveling independently.

TwistedStitch · 05/11/2018 08:25

Even if they can afford it it's still fine to not want to spend that money on somebody else's wedding. Why are you getting married overseas and still inviting loads of people? Why do you need to get married in Spain if you want lots of guests?

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:26

I have chosen a destination and week that is reasonable i.e. Return flights less than 200

That's not reasonable. You don't just fly there, you have to pay to stay somewhere, eat, travel insurance, leave time, even getting to the airport can be a PITA for some. And then sometimes it's not even a real wedding! What a cheek. It's not an opportunity, it's a PITA.

JanetLovesJason · 05/11/2018 08:27

When is it?

Post-Brexit I’d say no, just to avoid any uncertainty.

JulesOnGo · 05/11/2018 08:27

For a wedding abroad surely people don't expect a gift as well! Madness.

Greensleeves · 05/11/2018 08:28

I wouldn't be attending if you were my relative, sorry

It's just too much money, time and inconvenience to commit to somebody else's wedding. And I find the egocentrism of asking people to travel to a different country to see you get married so incredibly vulgar and offputting that I wouldn't want to go anyway.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/11/2018 08:28

People are happiest at home.

I was relieved when I found out we didn’t have to go to a relatives wedding and that was only in Cornwall.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:30

For a wedding abroad surely people don't expect a gift as well!

Some do! I've seen some incredibly cheeky ones - expecting everyone to stay in the villa of the couple's choosing and pay for it, pay to participate in activities chosen by the couple/forced fun, fly out together, give a gift or cash.

Oysterbabe · 05/11/2018 08:31

I just wouldn't want to spend that much money going somewhere chosen by someone else. Holidays are precious and and I don't want to use my cash and annual leave going on someone else's idea of a nice holiday.

GreenandBlueButterfly · 05/11/2018 08:31

For a wedding abroad surely people don't expect a gift as well! Madness.

The bride and groom might not "expect" one, but many people will feel they have to buy one, as it's the done thing. Especially if the invitation doesn't specify "no presents"

JulesOnGo · 05/11/2018 08:33

They obviously don't want/can't come, for whatever reason. We asked people to come (for us it was at home, for most people it was abroad as we're scattered about everywhere) but if they said they couldn't then no problem. We made it as easy as we could but people have jobs and children so you can't expect them to drop everything.

MaggieFS · 05/11/2018 08:33

As long as you are having the day you've chosen for you and your partner, you'll have a brilliant time. You can't get worked up about people's reasons for not going. What they tell you may or may not be the absolute truth anyway and it's up to them. You can't dwell on it.

That said, £200 for a return flight just to Spain is expensive in my book, plus all other costs so money may be a factor, but as above you just have to accept it.

AnnaMagnani · 05/11/2018 08:34

The thing about weddings as that nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.

So people may be able to afford to go to Spain to your wedding but when push comes to shove, do they want to?

A destination wedding is more annual leave, more childcare, more time spent with people you don't know/possibly don't like that much, beofer all the standard wedding costs. Do the guests want this more than a normal holiday/new kitchen/paying off the overdraft? The answer may well be no.

Finally if you are planning your wedding, be realistic. If you are going abroad expect that fewer people will come.But equally don't make yourself do stuff you hate. If you hate dancing, FFS don't do it. Why make yourself miserable on your wedding day?

pictish · 05/11/2018 08:34

In short, if you want people to come to your wedding, don’t have it in Spain.

Of course people make enthusiastic noises when the idea first arises...it’s just a notion at that stage and no one will want to bluntly state that they’d rather spend the money on something else (although I would just tell you straight from the off). They seem agreeable because it’s not real. When the ‘wedding in Spain’ invite actually plops onto the mat they have to come up with something that will get them out of it.
Sorry pal...reality check. X

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 08:35

I am also curious about Spain? Is your partner Spanish?

I had an overseas wedding for the very reason that I don’t like fuss and this was a way I could justify inviting very few people. I dont’t think it is the norm to have an overseas wedding snd then invite a huge party. Twenty is an awful lot of people to bring over to Spain for a wedding and you want more. 🙄

Is there any chance of moving it back to the UK as it could be that this would be more the wedding you want.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 05/11/2018 08:35

Out of interest, what is the attraction (and point of) getting married in Spain?

CherryPavlova · 05/11/2018 08:36

It’s hard as it’s your dream. The trouble is it’s not anyone else’s dream. Even your mother would probably prefer a more local event unless she is Spanish herself.
If we were invited we’d think long and hard. We wouldn’t want to upset the engaged couple, money wouldn’t be a big issue but would be for some (£200 for flights doesn’t include kennels or chattery, airport parking, transfers, hotels, meals, other entertainment and activities when in Spain, travel in Spain, outfits, present etc) but we’d think we have limited leave and we’d possibly prefer to spend it somewhere of our choosing. Others who moan about having nobody to go abroad might just say that to save face and might actually feel quite nervous about flying or travelling without a partner to a foreign country.
You’re not really showing emotional intelligence or considering the needs of your guests.
A smaller wedding will be lovely, I’m sure.

InfiniteVariety · 05/11/2018 08:38

Are you sure this is really the wedding that you want? If you were to get married in your home country the people who you really want to have at your wedding would probably be able to attend and your general anxieties about it, which you mention in your last sentence, might fall away too - destination weddings must create many more organizational headaches than ones at home

Ragwort · 05/11/2018 08:40

Agree with everyone else that I wouldn’t accept an invitation to a ‘destination’ wedding, yes I could probably afford it but it’s not how I would choose to spend my money. And spending time sitting around with other guests endlessly really doesn’t sound much fun, I find the average British wedding far too long anyway. Grin!
My sibling got married in Florida, not somewhere I would choose to spend a holiday, fortunately they didn’t invite anyone so that was win win.
A friend recently went to a destination wedding in Greece, to save money she stayed in a cheap B & B but was then expected to pay to enter the hotel just for the day where the wedding was held Shock, no one had been told that before the event.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 08:41

I can’t believe what a bunch of fannies people are. A whole week to go to a one day event in Spain? Don’t travel post Brexit? Who the fuck buys a new dress every time they go to a wedding?

I’d happily go to your wedding OP. I know it’s hurtful when people turn down an invitation but enjoy your wedding with the people who do attend and remember that for years to come, every time a wedding invite from someone who didn’t bother plops onto your doormat, even though the hen night/travel/hotel/outfit/gift will all be free cos it’s in the U.K., you’ve got a get out of jail free card in your back pocket.

JanetLovesJason · 05/11/2018 08:42

And there’s a small town fairly close to where I live that 10 years ago had a huge spate of competitive weddings. It got ridiculous, hundreds and hundreds of people at increasingly elaborate events.

So it became the done thing amongst those with more sense than money to have a destination wedding so you didn’t have to be part of the wedding oneupmanship- it was understood as a tacit way of saying “close friends and family only”.

JanetLovesJason · 05/11/2018 08:43

Caution if you’re flights are cancelled post-Brexit, holiday insurance won’t pay out.

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