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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 05/11/2018 09:20

As I said if people can't afford it that's totally fine with me it's close relatives that have said they can't make it as they don't like the sun then go away to Thailand for two weeks. Or the aunties who have moaned for years about not having anyone to go on holiday with then when the opportunity arises they decline

This really pisses me off.

OP, just because you like the destination doesn't mean they do!! You're being very self-centred.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/11/2018 09:21

Aw, OP, I am really feeling sorry for you. MN has been a bucket of cold water. Honestly, just have the little wedding and enjoy yourself. Don’t think badly of the people who didn’t come. Total waste of energy.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 09:21

Is this fact or DM scaremongering?

Most policies don't cover cancellations for political disruption/force majeure so it's not scaremongering given we don't have a deal yet.

Wonkypalmtree · 05/11/2018 09:21

I was invited to my friends overseas wedding, I really like her and her husband however an invite for an Italian child free wedding when I was on maternity leave with a baby made for a decline from us.

Merryoldgoat · 05/11/2018 09:23

£400 flight for a couple, 2/3 nights accommodation, 5-6 meals, outfits, arrangents to keep home ticking over etc.

It’s not reasonable. Even for my sister I could not find in the region of £1000 for non-essential spending, and a foreign wedding is non-essential.

Accept it and have the destination wedding, or change to a local venue.

You have no idea what people’s finances are like, btw. People think my DH and I are really comfortable - always assuming we’re going away etc. We’re absolutely fine but stretched to our last few quid most months. All the holidays we’ve had since having our son have been paid for by PIL (for which we have been very very grateful).

Arrivederci · 05/11/2018 09:24

It is disappointing OP, but unfortunately people will say to your face what you want to hear. Loads of people seemed excited to come to my hen party in the nearest city, but when it came down to organising it, lots of them were busy on each of the four dates offered. The ones that did come we're the people who meant most to me and we had a great time, that's what matters.

LostInShoebiz · 05/11/2018 09:27

Are you sure they were all telling you initially that they were raring to go, or was it more of an “Ooh that sounds nice”. If someone told me they were getting married behind the bins at the back of Tesco I’d be polite enough to say “Ooh how nice” but that’s an entirely different thing from being willing to spend a grand going there.

TheViceOfReason · 05/11/2018 09:29

Ok, the flights are £200... per person presumably.

Plus £50 airport parking / taxi to the airport.

Plus £100/night accommodation (as a couple).

Plus at least £20/day spending money on drinks / lunch etc

Plus a suitable wedding outfit - maybe £100 between 2.

So now going for 3 nights / 4 days is actually the guts of £1k.

Not to mention maybe the don't WANT to go to Spain, maybe don't want to waste precious holidays from work.... all sorts of other reasons.

If you want all these people there, either you need to pay for accommodation / flights as a minimum, or have a UK wedding.

HavelockVetinari · 05/11/2018 09:29

I'd far rather have 2 weeks in Thailand than a few days in Spain at a wedding. By the time you factor in outfit, gift, accommodation, transport within Spain, transport to and from the airport and food it's really expensive. My cousin got married in Spain, all-in it cost us over £1000 despite flights for £180 return each. For that kind of money we could have spent 2 weeks somewhere else. Luckily we're well-off so it wasn't a struggle but we did have to use up precious annual leave and this forgo another trip we'd wanted to take.

Anyway, YABU, but I can understand you being disappointed. It's hard not to take it personally, but on the flip side it is a bit cheeky to expect people to attend a destination wedding.

loubluee · 05/11/2018 09:32

A destination wedding would be thanks for the invite but a decline from us. When we use leave we want it to go somewhere we want to go to, not be dictated too. I would be guessing it would be an easy 1k for a couple, or if two children like us, one being an adult at 18, an easy £1800-2k. We would just never pay it.
Enjoy it with those who are coming, and accept the declines graciously.

greendale17 · 05/11/2018 09:36

A destination wedding would be thanks for the invite but a decline from us. When we use leave we want it to go somewhere we want to go to, not be dictated too.

^This. Same for hen parties too.

Nagsnovalballs · 05/11/2018 09:41

Meh, the reverse happened for us.

We invited 110 ish people to our destination wedding thinking about 30 would come. 100 are coming. We are hoping some more will pull out. Still don’t see it dropping below 60 though.

But the destination includes a sport lots of people love doing, and most of our friends are childless professionals or have tiny babies who are portable, and the destination was attractive enough to my dp’s family that they all decided to come over from Australia And then tag on a European interrailing trip. We thought maybe 4 of them would come. Instead, 17 of them are coming...

Nagsnovalballs · 05/11/2018 09:43

Oh yes, and we don’t have a gift list and outfits are whatever people fancy. Some will be in sports gear, others want to dress up. So basically, a big group holiday that just happens to have a fun wedding in it. The ceremony is 20mins, the rest is eating, drinking and doing sport that day....

OrigamiZoo · 05/11/2018 09:44

If you want people at your wedding then have it somewhere people don't have to send at least £200 to get there. Maybe they can afford it but don't want to spend that amount on anybody's wedding.

My niece is getting married next year, we have to fly there, hotel for two nights. For us to go would be our holiday budget for the year. Could we go? Yes. Do we want to spend our holiday budget going? No.

So unreasonable I hope it is a reverse.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 09:44

Bloody hell Nags! Grin have a great time

ALittleBitofVitriol · 05/11/2018 10:00

Pfft. I'm trying hard not to be resentful about having to do a 6hr round trip, twice!, this year for bloody weddings!
No, I actually don't want to lose my entire precious weekend to sit in uncomfortable shoes in the car... Oh, I can just stay overnight?! Yay, who is paying for my family of 6? And again, buh bye entire weekend. We haven't had a formal event for a few years so I'm having to outfit all 6 of us again. Right around Christmas is fun too! Oh, they want cash towards their honeymoon as a gift? That's fine, my kids don't need Christmas this year...

PeterRabbitsBlueCoat · 05/11/2018 10:07

Nags - ski wedding?

That’s what I did. Invited about 50 people, 40 came. But most of our friends/family ski so they treated it as their annual ski holiday with a day —few hours— off to go to a wedding.

Low expectations are key with destination weddings. Except that only a handful come, then it’s a lovely surprise when lots do. And have a party when you get home!

BooEekCackle · 05/11/2018 10:08

We just declined a wedding in Spain. One of the partners is Spanish and we were told that it was expected that we give them 200-250 euros each (including DC) to cover the costs of our places at the wedding. With this, the outfits, the flights, car hire and hotel it racked up. We can afford it, but it would mean we had no family holiday next year so we said no.

Racecardriver · 05/11/2018 10:09

It’s probably not personal. We couldn’t do a destination wedding unless it was for BIL/SIL and during school holidays, uni holidays and didn’t clash with DHs court dates.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 05/11/2018 10:11

Look I get your upset but your not seeing things clearly.

Your wedding isn't something someone should have to give up something else to do. It's something that is lovely to go to because they care about you but not in place of things that they want to do at other times of the year.

Why would you think it's ok for someone to give up their holiday abroad and replace it with a your wedding which although will probably be lovely is absolutely not the same as a holiday.

ShatnersWig · 05/11/2018 10:16

@Racecardriver He's not been arrested again, surely? Grin

liquidrevolution · 05/11/2018 10:17

I'd choose Thailand over Spain any day. Your wedding is costing people money and frankly you need to lower expectations.

YABVVU

Aomame83 · 05/11/2018 10:18

We recently went to a wedding in this country that was a 3 hour trip away and we had to pay to stay over. Including all costs, hotel, outfit, gift etc... being a 'lucky guest' to the event cost us well over a grand (including my DP going on the stag do).

We don't have a lot of money due to ongoing childcare costs and this has stretched us financially. If this had been abroad, it would have cost even more. We went to the wedding in the summer and we're still recovering from this now and I'm not quite sure how we'll pay for Christmas.

I hate being the centre of attention, dancing in front of people and all the general wedding stuff. So when we got married several years ago, we picked such a remote destination, we hoped no one would come... we didn't actually invite anyone either. Although, some close family members insisted on coming, but we only saw them for a day or so and spent almost a month abroad. We also spent less on our holiday of a lifetime, than most do on a standard wedding. We had a party when we got back to the UK.

Your wedding is your dream and it is about what you want, but you cannot impose costs on other people, they will either refuse or resent it. It's understandable that you want people to share in your special day, but you should understand you cannot just expect it from people.

Crazyfrog007 · 05/11/2018 10:19

OP, being as gentle as possible, you're being quite selfish.

£200 for return flights is not cheap. On top of that you need somewhere to stay (say you air bnb it and that costs £50 per night conservatively and you stay for 3 nights), that's £150. Airport transfers £30. Food and drink whilst there £100 (again being Conservative). That's nearly £500 for the basics before you factor in anything else. That's more than my entire holiday budget for a year.

A destination wedding is your choice of location, your choice of timing (this does affect flight prices), your choice of everything... And you're offended when family members say no? Even if they've complained previously that they don't have anyone to go away with or they hate the sun then go to Thailand, you've got not right to be pissed off that they don't want to use their annual leave and holiday budget for something that will be completely about you.

You need to get past this otherwise you'll find yourself ostracising family members and causing fallouts for no good reason.

Racecardriver · 05/11/2018 10:20

@ShatnersWig ha ha. No. Works in the legal profession. He always manages to end up with listings during the school holidays. Makes trying to go away a pain.

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