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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
pictish · 06/11/2018 20:10

The highlight of their lives no less! 😆

Bearhorn · 06/11/2018 20:11

No Pictish, a highlight. You know, like one of many.

pictish · 06/11/2018 20:15

Sorry...skim-reading. But still.

Bearhorn · 06/11/2018 20:20

Still what? It was an amazing wedding. Everyone loved it. Twenty years later people still talk about it. And it was in main because it was in a beautiful country and everyone had made the effort to be there. So many people on here are bashing the idea of a destination wedding as if it is somehow intrinsically bad and that you shouldn't expect anyone to come. I am disagreeing based on my own very positive experience. Apologies for being unwittingly smug.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 20:23

Oh, yes, the good ol' 'Everyone said our wedding was the best they've ever been to!' They're being polite! PMSL at 'this was in the days before everyone went OTT with wedding outfits' but hey, it's cool for the B&G to go OTT with their poxy wedding.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 20:24

Gawd, we don't even talk about our own wedding 20 years on Hmm.

Bearhorn · 06/11/2018 20:25

Oh FFS. Can't be arsed with this bollocks.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 20:32

Highlights of my life: marrying DH, the births of my children, the day my older child passed the driving practical, the day my children started primary school . . . a destination wedding someone wanted me to pay hundreds of pounds for, said no one ever.

Some people are so delusional over their wedding.

EdisonLightBulb · 06/11/2018 20:32

Sorry chick, but unless it was my brother or bestest ever friend I wouldn't go. I would rather spend £200 and all the rest on top going somewhere on holiday I wanted to go, and it wouldn't be Spain.

I think you have overestimated how keen your guests would be to spend hundreds at wedding that went on for days with strangers.

Sorry, I would reschedule someone more accessible.

Norma27 · 06/11/2018 20:37

My brother grew up in USA from age 14 and lives there. I live in UK. We lived together until he was 14 and I was 15. We went to each other’s weddings in our respective countries but our partners didn’t go due to cost for us and sils pregnancy for them.
I would not pay to go to anybody else’s destination wedding. If you choose to get married abroad then you take the risk others will not join you.

CJsGoldfish · 06/11/2018 20:47

I could afford to go to Spain for a wedding but I would decline. When I have precious time off, I'm choosing what I do with it and someone elses plans are never going to be top of my list. You act like it's an obligation to attend. It's not and surely it is the risk you take by forcing a destination wedding on people.

choli · 06/11/2018 21:37

It always seems that when a bride to be asks for opinions on having a destination wedding, she always gets warned that many won't attend, and that she mustn't get upset at that. The bride to be always says that of course she won't, she understands.

Fast forward to the RSVPs and the bride to be is mortally insulted that there are guests who decline the invitation.

MulticolourMophead · 06/11/2018 22:09

choli I'd agree with that in general.

I think many people plan destination weddings because it's cheaper for them, but they don't factor in that effectively they are transferring the costs to the guests, and many guests are not going to want to fork out.

BackforGood · 06/11/2018 22:46

Is you or your partner Spanish?

Presuming not

In which case, seems a shame that first family wedding in 30 odd years and you decide to take it abroad

This, exactly.

I'm of an age when it will be my dc and my nieces and nephews having their weddings over the next few years, rather than loads of friends. I could, at this stage in life, find the money to go, but (although I would be polite) I'd be seriously Hmm if they arranged their weddings abroad, (unless marrying someone from that country). As, to me, it says "I don't want my 'community' to share this day"

Now, I know it is up you you what you do for your wedding, but the whole reason the 'getting married abroad' became a thing, was for those people who didn't want families there, for whatever reason. Absolutely fine if that is the choice you are making, but it seems ridiculous to make it difficult for people and then moan when they say they can't come.

Kateguide · 06/11/2018 22:49

My sister got married abroad where she lived. She invited a lot of family and friends, only a few people from the UK went because most people couldn't afford it
A friend got married in Spain, she purposely had a very small wedding but then had a massive party back in the UK.
If you decide to get married abroad you cannot expect ANYONE to attend other than you and your partner for all the reasons that have been repeatedly posted on this thread. If you get a few people there, it's a bonus! I hope you have a lovely time

babyno5 · 06/11/2018 22:52

I understand how you feel OP. It was my daughters 18th recently and we had so many people (friends and family) cancel at very short notice. She was really upset )particularly at the way close family behaved) and needkesss to say there was a ridiculous amount of wasted food and I have enough alcohol to see us through about 3 years!!
Nowt as queer as folk!
I hope you have a fabulous wedding with those that choose to be there 💐💐

AnonyMousee · 06/11/2018 23:27

@babyno5 bit different isn't it?

In your case I can imagine family and friends are within driving distance and they could have spent next to nothing to attend, and even just showed up for an hour or so to be polite then left if they couldn't stay longer - I doubt anyone would have had to book time off work to show up.

An 18th birthday and a wedding abroad is not comparable...

CoughLaughFart · 06/11/2018 23:48

I understand how you feel OP. It was my daughters 18th recently and we had so many people (friends and family) cancel at very short notice.

But no one has cancelled at short notice. They’ve received their invitations and have said no.

babyno5 · 07/11/2018 00:01

I meant that I understood that people you think care enough to want to be there.

Lizzie48 · 07/11/2018 00:06

The OP is allowed to feel disappointed that people she thought would come won't be coming. But hopefully this thread has helped you to understand.

A post wedding party in this country could work really well, and could be a good compromise?

MrsApplepants · 07/11/2018 00:09

Sorry but I wouldn’t go. I could afford the cash, but not the time off work. I expect others might feel the same. Why don’t you just get married locally if you want lots of guests, make it easier for them to attend?

sleepylittlebunnies · 07/11/2018 00:30

DH and I had a destination wedding with just a dozen of us there; parents, siblings and partners. We wanted a small wedding as we both hate being the centre of attention. We did have some friends wanting to come but had a relaxed party when we got back.

I’ve only been to one other wedding abroad for my brother’s, it was expensive to attend for 5 of us but we treated it as our annual holiday. Although a country we wouldn’t have chosen it was a gorgeous wedding and a wonderful fortnight.

Various friends have married abroad and we have just attended the parties locally on their return. But we would do our very best to attend a sibling, DC or DNs’ weddings abroad and be happy to.

manicmij · 07/11/2018 00:33

Daughter married in Mexico. Due to the cost I had to pay for her two brothers and partners for flights hotel (all inclusive) as no way could they afford to. 5 other guests SIL's family paid their own. Basically we all had a 2 week holiday apart from bride and groom who flew off on their honeymoon 4 days after the wedding. Sons have since married with all the bells, bows and whistles type weddings and I know which one I'd prefer - the small overseas one - anyday.

CBA2RTFT · 07/11/2018 00:53

The only overseas wedding I'd ever consider forking out for would be my own DCs' weddings. Even then I'd be having a stern talk!

vandrew4 · 07/11/2018 12:46

has anyone EVER had a wedding where a guest has later told them it was disappointing/ inconvenient/ badly organised/ left them bored/ hungry etc etc.
No? didn't think so; people will always be polite no matter how shite it is and how much it put them out
highlight of their life is just hilarious!

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