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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
pictish · 05/11/2018 06:40

We declined bil’s destination wedding invite in fucking ARGENTINA! He fully expected that we’d spend thousands on two long haul flights and a week in a hotel to get the five of us out there to watch him get married.
Dear reader, we did not.

Three years on and he’s still not speaking to us. Oh well.

Dvg · 05/11/2018 06:42

Sorry but I wouldn't want to pay to go abroad for your wedding, most people can't even afford a holiday for themselves

Thanksforallthesausage · 05/11/2018 06:43

I don't think you can chose to get married abroad and then moan when people can't/don't come.

DisneyMillie · 05/11/2018 06:47

We’re thinking of not going to dh’s mum’s wedding next year as it’s in another country and it’s too much logistically for the kids. (Well, dh will probably go but not the rest of us).

I hate destination weddings - it feels selfish when you’re made to feel guilty for not attending something which costs lots of money / takes precious annual leave / isn’t somewhere you might want to go.

I get it’s disappointing but if you want people to attend I don’t see why you don’t marry locally and honeymoon in the ideal destination.

Oysterbabe · 05/11/2018 06:48

No one wants to throw a grand at someone else's wedding.

cheesefield · 05/11/2018 06:49

It's so difficult with weddings abroad, they're often so much more expensive for guests than you'd think.

Are you putting them all up in accommodation, or so they have to pay their own? How easy is the venue to access from an airport? How cheap is the area of the country to stay in?

speakout · 05/11/2018 06:51

OP you are being arrogant.

Your wedding isn't important enough to other people that they want to spend £1000 to attend.

I am sure it is a huge and lovely event for you and your fiance, but other people are just not that invested in your relationship.

You are wearing your love goggles.

Other people are not.

RuggerHug · 05/11/2018 06:52

Anyone wanting a destination wedding has to think for everyone they want to invite, would you give up A/L, your only holiday of the year, considerable amount of money for each one of them having a shindig?

If not, then don't be offended if they can't for you. So only 20 yeses, would you be willing to be a guest for all of them?

JulesOnGo · 05/11/2018 06:53

TestingTestingWonTooFree The villa was a good price and through some sites you can get a pretty decent price on car/minibus hire. Iirc I think we paid for 3 peoples flights, if you book in advance it's quite cheap.

We were very relaxed with everything. For clothes, it was Spain in the summer, so we just said to everyone wear what you're comfortable in, shorts and t-shirt whatever. A friend made our cake, and the villa had a big outdoors bbq, so we went to a big shop and got the stuff for a bbq after.

The rest of the week everyone just did what they wanted, some of us went to beaches swimming, others went exploring. The villa had a pool so some messed about in that. We had a great time.

Awrite · 05/11/2018 06:55

You are looking at it the wrong way. You have 20 people willing to come to your wedding in Spain. That's amazing. I'm sure most people wouldn't have that many willing/able to make the journey.

OliviaStabler · 05/11/2018 06:56

Presuming they knew you were getting married in Spain, it depends on what the details are doesn't it?

You could have said you were being married in X resort. So people think 'That's fine, we can stay at X, eat out at Y and no worries about transport as we are in the town.' You then give them the details which entails staying in the arse end of nowhere, so they are having to pay for pricy hotel rooms, hire cars, food at expensive places and then the costs add up and it is too costly for them.

Just because they can afford it, doesn't mean they want to spend their money on it.

SummerStrong · 05/11/2018 06:58

Of course people want to come to your wedding, but you've chosen to make it unaffordable for a lot if them.

Aridane · 05/11/2018 06:59

Yanbu to be hurt and upset by the excuses - eg can’t find an outfit. Fine for invited to say can’t get annual leave, ,can’t afford, just to decline - but no outfit? Not on

Jackshouse · 05/11/2018 07:03

I suspect the person with the outfit reason was too embrassed to say they could not afford it or they did not want to come.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/11/2018 07:03

OP, are you ok? You sound a bit naive about all of this. Of course people won’t tell you that they don’t want to spend money on your wedding!

I have a holiday budget for the family holiday. Yes, we could afford to go to someone else’s wedding. But that would be their choice of venue and location and not ours and we like a nice holiday, so we’d decline. Weddings are nice to go to but we all have our lives to live.

troodiedoo · 05/11/2018 07:03

Yabu. Have a party at home to celebrate. Just make it clear you're not expecting presents.

Also think not having an outfit is a valid reason. Some people can't afford to buy a new one they will only wear once.

LAlady · 05/11/2018 07:04

If I was invited to a destination wedding, I'd want to make every effort to go. However, I'd have to weigh up cost, time I'd need off work, childcare etc. It's not straightforward and for those reasons, people will decline.

Inertia · 05/11/2018 07:05

You don’t have to dance. It’s your wedding, you’re not obliged to have a disco.

Yabu about people declining though, if you want lots of people to come you need to make it accessible and affordable.

hannah1992 · 05/11/2018 07:07

It's nothing against you and it's not always the cost involved either.

If one of my friends or family members got married abroad we probably wouldn't go for various reasons. 1. We have 2 kids, of they couldn't come neither could we cause we wouldn't have anyone else to watch them for 2/3 days. 2. We have cats which would cost to out them in the cattery. 3. dh would need to take annual leave and that could be declined. 4. Cost of flights accommodation etc

I think this is what happens when you marry abroad or further afield from family and friends

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 07:08

It depends where in Spain you’re getting married, but there are cheap daily flights from the U.K. to a lot of Spanish cities. It would be cheaper for me to spend a weekend in Spain than it would in, say, London. Plus you avoid the hell that is an English wedding.

I got married in my husband’s country and the amount of pissing and whingeing from guests about cost did my nut in. It wasn’t as if friends’ weddings hadn’t cost me anything to attend. And I don’t know why people are complaining about the cost of an outfit, surely that doesn’t depend on location?!

Some of the best weddings I’ve been to have been weekends in Europe - better food, better weather, more interesting, plus I couldn’t understand all the religious claptrap because I didn’t speak the language.

Have the wedding you want and enjoy it

JulesOnGo · 05/11/2018 07:10

Just seen the bit about dancing. You do not need to dance, we didn't. Just enjoy the day/evening with those close to you, have a little drink and laugh a lot.

ClashCityRocker · 05/11/2018 07:28

20 or so is good for a destination wedding, really.

We'd probably fall into the category of being able to afford it, but it would be out of money that had been ear-marked for other things so would probably decline. The annual leave we'd need to take would also be an issue.

It's a lot to ask guests really.

And you don't have to dance if you don't want to, op.

Blanchedupetitpois · 05/11/2018 07:33

I think it is quite normal for a destination wedding, just because it costs so much more to attend and usually requires people to use annual leave. Brexit may also be making people anxious.

Try not to see it as something personal - it’s not that they don’t love you or that they don’t want to come to your wedding. It’s just an unmanageable commitment for lots of people.

You can still have a lovely wedding with 20. You don’t need to dance - you can have a lovely meal and then just properly talk / catch up with your guests.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/11/2018 07:36

"You feel obligated to sit with them at brekky or make small talk round the pool. "

That's only if you're forced to be in the same accommodation.

NicePieceOfPlaid · 05/11/2018 07:38

YABVU.

If you want all your friends and family to attend your wedding you get married in a place they can easily get to with no expense. Or you pay for them all to travel to your choice f venue.

I wouldn't pay to attend a destination wedding. Waste of money even though I could afford it.