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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
Childrenofthesun · 05/11/2018 07:39

20 is quite normal for a wedding abroad. My cousin had similar, then they had a reception when they got home for about 100 people.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 05/11/2018 07:40

I have to agree with everyone else - destination weddings are really not my cup of tea.

It's not the money aspect of it either. It's more the fact that you're being dictated to over where you go for a holiday, who you spend that holiday with and when you take your holiday. Most people have limited days of holiday to take from work and an overseas wedding eats into that.

Now if the OP was getting married at a church in Malaga/Madrid/Barcelona then you have the option to sort your own accommodation, fly in on the day or the day before, and fly home afterwards. But I get the impression that's not what they're doing.

Enforced wedding holidays are grim.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/11/2018 07:41

You don't have to have a first dance! Especially at a small wedding. I didn't!

Sliderz · 05/11/2018 07:42

Whereabouts in Spain is it? Many flights to Spain are cheaper than train tickets in the UK. Have you priced up flights? For ex ample I live in London and it would be cheaper for me to go to a wedding in Spain for two nights than my cousin's wedding in Sheffield (on a weekday), that's with all costs included.

anniehm · 05/11/2018 07:43

We've travelled to weddings overseas but they have been rolled into a holiday. Depending on when you picked, it could be flights are pricier than they thought or they need annual leave for something else, perhaps their spouse vetoed going. Using an outfit or cat as an excuse is lame though, always be truthful. I recommend having a reception in the U.K. and an intimate ceremony overseas

We were popping to Spain to see relatives in January and I was shocked at the price of flights, over £150 each so I'm not going - everyone has a budget. (In the past I've paid £50 or less).

strawberrisc · 05/11/2018 07:44

Destination weddngs are a pain in the arse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/11/2018 07:49

No one is going to say "I dont want to spend that amout of money on a wedding when I could spend it on a holiday of my choosing". This is why you are getting excuses.

You chose to get married abroad, so you must accept that you will have a very small wedding with a fraction of the guests you would have if you made it much easier and cheaper for them to attend by having it in the UK.

AmazingHotelHelp · 05/11/2018 07:50

YABU. People may have either said they would travel out of initial politeness or as they had not considered the budget/time off work etc.

Instead be delighted that 20 people will attend. If you want people there have a UK wedding.

klondike555 · 05/11/2018 07:54

I can't help feeling it's a bit arrogant to expect people to spend a large proportion (if not all) of their holiday budget (perhaps meaning they can't go on an actual holiday), annual leave, and organisational hassle to attend a wedding and then put the blame for non-acceptance of invitations (what fresh hell is 'declines' as a noun?) on them. Nobody is obliged to put your wedding above their own needs. if you had really wanted people there (and for them to have a stress-free experience) you would have married in this country.

Agreed.

There's no way I would waste my time, money, holidays or annual leave on someone else's overseas wedding.

If you really wanted those people at your wedding, you'd get married in your home country in an area that was easy for your guests' to get to.

GreenandBlueButterfly · 05/11/2018 07:55

I've just come back from a wedding in Spain. I kept everything s cheaply as possible but I've just done the sums and I spent just under £1000 just for one person. That includes flights, taxis, parking at Gatwick, hotels for 2 nights, dress and shoes plus the present.

It's very expensive to attend a wedding abroad!

UnknownStuntman · 05/11/2018 07:58

There is no way I'd be spending thousands on a holiday I don't want just because I share a set of grandparents with someone.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:01

Destination weddings are so wanky. And a PITA. We could technically afford it, but there's no way I'd spend a grand on someone's wedding unless it was one of my kids or use my holiday time, which is very precious to me. YABU and presumptuous and arrogant. We get an invitation like this and it's immediate decline.

We’re thinking of not going to dh’s mum’s wedding next year as it’s in another country and it’s too much logistically for the kids. (Well, dh will probably go but not the rest of us).

Dear god, his mother is throwing some big production wedding and expects everyone to go like a 25-year-old blushing bride? Just n o. Send him alone.

Merryoldgoat · 05/11/2018 08:01

Unless you’re paying for everyone YABU.

You don’t get to dictate how people spend their money. It’s absolutely your right to choose to get married abroad and it’s a guest’s right to decline the invitation for any reason they like.

Greyhound22 · 05/11/2018 08:03

Time off work, flights for 3 people, transfers to airport, outfits, present, spending money, £20 a night for my dog sitter, accommodation....

Sorry - I can only think of two people I would do this for.

You have to remember that although your wedding is the most important event in the world for you it's simply not for other people.

If this is the wedding you want that's absolutely fine but I don't think you can get all uppity about people not wanting to attend.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:03

Oh, and then come to find out a lot of these weddings abroad aren't even legal here! WTF? So it's 'Here's an invitation to pay huge £££ and use your holiday time to watch me not get married' and then usually also 'Give me more money as a present, too'. It's a joke.

Ghanagirl · 05/11/2018 08:06

Another thread where the OP disappears

TrippingTheVelvet · 05/11/2018 08:06

It's because it's in Spain, not because it's your wedding. It's an important distinction so try not to take it too personally.

TwistedStitch · 05/11/2018 08:12

I always thought destination weddings were for people who just wanted to elope and get married alone, or maybe with their immediate family- parents, kids. What's this new trend with still wanting a 'big' wedding and a full guest list but doing it abroad?

lola006 · 05/11/2018 08:15

I have some family who thought a good 10-20 people would fly thousands of miles right before a major holiday for their wedding. Lots had said ‘yeah, sounds great!’ two years before the actual wedding. And then invites went out and exactly 2 (not a couple, wives were left at home) came.

I doesn’t matter if people have the money or not, it’s how they wish to allocate it and that simply isn’t up to you.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 05/11/2018 08:15

I would have said 20 people for a destination wedding is pretty damn good. If you want to get married abroad, great, but never assume anyone else will be able to afford the time or money to join you.

t00dle00 · 05/11/2018 08:16

Can you and husband to be have a small ceremony in Spain and a reception when you're back?

Pet sitters are expensive, if you add that in with hotel/flights/transfers/gifts/outfits/time off work it can be very expensive for destination weddings.

Original poster
Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 08:16

As I said if people can't afford it that's totally fine with me it's close relatives that have said they can't make it as they don't like the sun then go away to Thailand for two weeks
Or the aunties who have moaned for years about not having anyone to go on holiday with then when the opportunity arises they decline

It's the family members that I know leave/childcare isn't an issue that have hurt me a bit

I have chosen a destination and week that is reasonable i.e. Return flights less than 200

It's not distant relatives that I don't see that I have invited it's family close friends that see everyday

OP posts:
GoodJanet · 05/11/2018 08:20

They’re probably just trying to think of excuses that won’t hurt your feelings.

The long and short of it is, they have limited holiday time off work, and some of them clearly want to use that to go to more exotic places like Thailand. They don’t want to spend a week at a place in Spain not of their choosing.

ShatnersWig · 05/11/2018 08:21

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes.
OP: No I'm not, here's why...

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/11/2018 08:22

Shortcake

Its your wedding, I get it. Its very important to you and you feel that the costs are justified, and they are.......for you.

Your most special day is only special for you. For everyone else it is, at best, a nice party and at worst it is a pain in the arse and a financial imposition. If people dont want to then they just dont want to and thats the risk you take with booking a wedding abroad.

YABVU to expect the same kind of turn (yes, even amongst close family and friends) that you would get with a wedding at home. If my best friend got married abroad I wouldnt be there. Nothing to do with not wanting to but everything to do with a combination of money, work and the inconvenience. I could afford it but it would be my whole holiday budget for the year and I wouldnt want to spend that on someone elses wedding. I could take the leave without an issue but again, I wouldnt want to use my precious leave on someone elses wedding. I could organise to get out there, get back blah blah but I wouldnt want to have all that farting about for someone elses wedding.

You're talking like you are doing them a favour by having your wedding abroad!

They dont want to come, thats the bottom line and you can either accept that with good grace or change you wedding to being in the UK.