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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 05/11/2018 08:43

YABU, I'm afraid. You get married abroad, you accept that a lot of people will decline, it's not personal.

not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can

^ I can sympathise with that. Annual leave is precious. I for one wouldn't enthusiastically jet off on a holiday of someone else's choosing, spending my own hard earned cash on flights, accommodation and all the other wedding paraphernalia, except possibly for very close family.

InfiniteVariety · 05/11/2018 08:45

30 years ago I got married in Singapore because we were living there at the time, long before destination weddings became fashionable. My immediate family came but although I invited other friends/family I had absolutely no expectation they would be able to come. My DH is Singaporean so there were many more guests from his side of the family than mine but that was all fine and just part of getting married away from my home country. I am always puzzled by the whole Destination Wedding thing - why would you get married in a place which has no meaningful connection to either bride or groom?

IdahoCrow · 05/11/2018 08:49

Where are your guests supposed to stay? How much?

tillytrotter21 · 05/11/2018 08:49

I find it the height of arrogance to arrange a wedding in such a way that on top of the usual expenses, present, clothes, an overnight stay, guests are expected to pay a fortune to travel to some place overseas. That money could be being saved for a family holiday to a place of their choosing or home improvements, the time could be taking a chunk out of leave from work entitlement. My brother remarried overseas and was a bit sniffy when we said we wouldn't be going, we could have afforded it but it wasn't in a place we were interested in visiting.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:50

So people are fannies because they don't want to travel to another country to watch someone get married (and again, it might not even be a legal wedding)? Okay. If I had a relative who felt like that about how I chose to spend my time and money then I'd be quite happy if they cut me off. Good riddance.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 05/11/2018 08:50

You are being a bridezilla you’re choice to get married abroad doesn’t mean everyone has to be on board with attending. My Sil hinted that she will be likely getting married abroad, even though Fil said it was unfair to put it on family members who can’t attend due to costs or who had commitments such as being a carer for someone else. I choose my own family holiday I wouldn’t be dictated to where I holiday because it’s someones weddings I missed my friends wedding in Cyprus for this reason and went to Spain instead because it was considerably cheaper and we wanted a holiday we wanted to go.

vandrew4 · 05/11/2018 08:51

OP WHY are you getting married in Spain. does it have some family connection?

QuizzlyBear · 05/11/2018 08:52

Sorry OP but YABU. My DSis got married years ago with a destination wedding to Jamaica. It would cost us over £2k to attend, before food, spending money, outfits and gifts.

Plus it was organised in term time so we couldn't bring the kids, or find anyone to look after them 24/7 for a week or more.

She was hugely pissed off with me (despite the divorce two years later) and cited me not attending as the reason she eloped with her 2nd husband. In reality unless it was under £250 total or for my own kids, I wouldn't attend any destination wedding - my holiday time (and funds) are precious!

scarbados · 05/11/2018 08:53

not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can

Technically, we could afford to travel to Spain for a wedding - as in 'we have more money in the bank than the trip would cost'. But that doesn't mean we'd have to choose to attend. People have other priorities and we'd rather spend that 'spare' money on visiting a destination of our own choosing.

Your wedding is top of your priorites list but you can't expect everyone to see it as so important in their lives. And you can't dictate to friends and relatives what they spend their money on.

Regnamechanger · 05/11/2018 08:54

They are making excuses about cats and clothes in an attempt to be polite. For whatever reason they don't want to go. It may be financial, it may be that they just don't want the hassle, it may be because they don't want to use their annual leave. You need to get over yourself (meant kindly) and not allow this to affect your relationships. That would be really unfair.
I've turned down 3 destination weddings in the last couple of years. I get the invite, I reply "Thanks very much for the invitation, we won't be able to make it. Hope you have a wonderful time on your special day". Job done. I think I'll always turn down destination weddings because we can only really afford one holiday a year and so would like to choose where we go, when and where we stay. Fortunately my family are in the UK and all chose to get married near to home... so that all their friends and family could be there.

ShatnersWig · 05/11/2018 08:54

@Caution - it may not need a whole week but it could easily need a couple of days. We don't know what day of the week this wedding is, how far from the nearest airport the actual wedding is taking place. For some people, they may be three hours from the nearest airport here in the UK which flies to the nearest airport for the wedding destination, which could be three hours from there. So you could easily spend a whole day getting to Spain. Then the wedding day. Then doing the same thing again to get home. Three days easily and if the bride hasn't gone for a Sunday, then people may have to take a minimum of three days leave. But they could also be bloody shattered after that, which means they want an extra day off when they get home. That's potentially a fair amount of time off, and expense, going somewhere you might never ever wish to go (I hate flying, absolutely loathe it and I don't earn a lot; so if I do on rare occasions get on a plane, it's somewhere I really want to go to and enjoy my time at and Spain is not on my list).

canyouhearthedrums · 05/11/2018 08:55

I'm more intrigued in Jules' villa for 23 for less than £2k per week. Please post a link if possible, I want to do a big family holiday next year.

I don't know whether to roll my eyes or be annoyed with the poster who said she chose a cheap destination, "return flights only £200". Oh yes, because everyone attending is going to turn up at the airport and you will pick them (and possibly their dc?) up and house/feed/taxi them for the duration? Some people organizing their own destination weddings seem to think they are doing others a favour as they are getting a 'holiday' out of it too Hmm

Redgreencoverplant · 05/11/2018 08:56

The only people whose weddings I would be willing to give up annual leave and pay for flights etc for would be siblings or my son. People shouldn't feel that they have to have their annual holiday somewhere you have dictated if they would rather go to Thailand.

InfiniteVariety · 05/11/2018 08:57

Good point ShatnersWig - you have reminded me that I was once away from home for 3 days to attend a funeral in France for the travel reasons you mention

Redgreencoverplant · 05/11/2018 08:58

Also you say under £200 for flights but we are a family of three (so smaller than average) and that would be almost £600 just on flights. No way I would pay that for anyone but the closest of relatives.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 08:58

We just had a UK caravan holiday last month, the 4 of us, two teens and DH and I for a week . Still spent £88 in Lidl on food alone. Once you're in a place you have to, annoyingly, eat, pay for somewhere to sleep.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 08:59

So much hatred for this poor bride!

Weddings are a load of overpriced shit anyway. It’s one day in your life, have a fun day but focus on the rest of your marriage

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2018 09:00

Why Spain OP?

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 09:01

No, Caution, just finding it a cheek that people expect guests to spend hundreds just to get to their wedding and possibly a week of their time, too, and see it as doing them a favour.

Pinkyyy · 05/11/2018 09:03

It's not your place to tell people what they can afford nor can you dictate what people use their leave for. You are being ridiculous and everyone knows that of you have a destination wedding, no matter how cheap, you'll get a lot of declined invites

LostInShoebiz · 05/11/2018 09:03

Destination weddings are super until you factor in the travel, the annual leave, the fact people rarely have them in the city centre so you have limited choice of where to stay plus onward travel once you get to the destination, you have to fill the day before and after the wedding which costs money (sometimes even the day itself if it’s at night) or fly in and out which is tiring, sometimes half the ceremony is in another language which is confusing and you have the delight of a holiday - sometimes your only holiday that year - in a place you wouldn’t necessarily choose even if it’s perfectly nice.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/11/2018 09:03

So flights, 200 each so 400. Accommodation for the weekend? Travel to the airport / car park fees? Another 200?

Food and drinks whilst away, 150?
Present, 50?

We're at 800 for a weekend OP and that's without a longer break so AL and more on costs, or extra seats for kids, or a dog sitter etc.

If you wanted a big family wedding, you have it somewhere people can get to for under a grand!!

And if you don't want to dance in front of people, don't dance. It isn't compulsory.

troodiedoo · 05/11/2018 09:04

I've just reread and I can't see any hatred. Just explanations as to why she is bu. Which is what she asked.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/11/2018 09:12

if you’re flights are cancelled post-Brexit, holiday insurance won’t pay out.

Is this fact or DM scaremongering?

QuizzlyBear · 05/11/2018 09:13

Just saw your update OP:

I have chosen a destination and week that is reasonable i.e. Return flights less than 200

My apologies, I didn't realise that you and your fiancée were covering childcare, pet sitting, airport parking, transfers, accommodation, spending money and food throughout the trip and not expecting gifts. If that's the case then £400 per couple is still really expensive!

Presumably you at least booked it over a school holiday? If your guest's kids are in school then they actually can't come.