Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

@PippaRabbit No dear, not angry, just baffled at people like yourself who can't read properly and then go off on rants opposing the OP.

To help you out a bit- the OP pays for all of her daughter's make up (she said so) and the daughter has a habit of neglecting her home environment despite repeatedly being asked not to. The OP was perfectly within her rights to lose her shit.

As for your comment about makeup not being a privilege, I'll let your own privilege enrobe you whilst you consider what that really means.

There is no doubt that teens can be messy, but It's the inability to see that a mug is too full, that something like a lipstick will fall off the edge of a piece of furniture, or that walls will be marked by grubby hands (how does a 15 year old have such grubby hands? This is unusual) that had me wondering about an underlying issue involving focus and organisation.
Crossed my mind too.

OP, please read Ohtheholidays' post.

I have a really messy dd and we have bought her a linen basket and made her do her own washing, insisted she washes her own sheets etc, replaced icky carpet with laminate and refused a rug etc. Her carpet was covered in all manner of horribleness to be honest, make up was the least of it. She also has to do certain chores now plus she cooks for us once a week (she is a bit older but we should have done this sooner!)

Whilst the punishment might fit the crime, I’m not sure it’s going to do much good to their relationship
Then she’s doing it right.

I can sympathise with your rage, but I think I'd give her the chance to try and get it back after a couple of days.
Your DD will either grow out of her slatterly ways or eventually move out and live happily in a mess. Tidy is not the be all and end all.

Not at all. She needs to realise her attitude to it is entirely unacceptable.

OP my DD aged 15 is the same, in fact maybe worse - and she's always been like it. We are now at the beginning of finding out there is something wrong, she's been diagnosed with depression for starters but I fear another underlying condition as she has been pretty thoughtless like this since she got out of toddler age (hence it become more noticeable). I brushed it off for years thinking she'd grow out of it.

I should point out though that she has other symptoms and does odd things so unless you have other concerns then of course there is unlikely to be any connection?

I think it's too much. I'm glad you're questioning it though. Honestly so many MNetters seem to revel in dishing out harsh punishments to their teens. I couldn't look at my anxious stressed out, self conscious child for three weeks and feel I was doing the right thing. It's too long and mean. Tell her she can only put make up on in the bathroom where it can be easily cleaned up and she's to use it and put it away in a make up bag straight after each make up session.

I think you need to go back and talk this through again when you've all calmed down. I also think you need to makeup-proof her area as this isn't worth the anger and the upset happening again.

If you aren't putting wooden floors in, could you have a cheap rug underneath where she applied makeup, that could be easily scrubbed or replaced?

Makeup is messy. I am really clean and tidy but when I'm in a rush, I can still drop makeup, or crumbs from the makeup sharpener fall out onto the floor, or an eyeshadow smashes.

Obviously you are saying she's messy in general but when I was a teenager I was really messy. I just didn't see it/care about it. I did lots of art, lots of hair dyeing, clothes dyeing etc and drips and spills were commonplace. Now I am totally the opposite, so there's hope

But a PP is right in that some punishments really breed resentment. You say she's been feeling sorry for herself today, but have you had the sense that she's genuinely sorry for you/the carpet/her behaviour? If so then I'd give her the chance to have the makeup back, but starting with a conversation, asking a lot of questions, finding out what she really thinks about her behaviour not just letting off steam yourself.

If not then maybe she really does need to learn a lesson. But I don't have a teenage DD so I don't know. ...

Ok. I see where you are coming from now. (I feared my mother too) you need that book about ‘how to talk so teens will listen’. It’s great. It’s mostly about expectations, but also how to get follow through too. You have standards that you need in order to be comfortable in your environment. She is totally blind to that at the moment. But if you work together a bit you could sort it out to some extent. It takes some persistence and training in awareness.
Also is her space hers? What standards should be needed for her own room?

Maybe let her do something to earn back her foundation if she is self conscious about her skin.
I don't think she needs to be caked in make up but I can appreciate what people are saying about acne at that age.

On the other hand I completely understand why you flipped and think she needs something to encourage her to take more care.

I have DS's so no problem with makeup, however I do have a teenage DS.

I am uncomfortable with this treating DC like toddlers so they will learn their lesson. I worry that you will push them away.

I would be far more inclined to find a solution rather than punish at this age. Whatever that may be!

No you are not BU. Just make sure you stick to it. I'd have lost it too, and have done with my kids in similar situations.

Personally, I'd make her either clean the carpets herself with supervision from you as well, or make her use birthday or pocket money to get the carpet professionally cleaned.

Alternatively - no makeup in the bedroom. She must use the bathroom instead as she has proven repeatedly she cannot be responsible with it in her room. I'd also be reconsidering the new furniture - she is obviously just going to trash it - so why waste the money. Keep the second hand stuff till she can show she has respect for the house.

Whether or not makeup is her hobby or a future career she won't get far if she flings all her stuff around and grinds it into the floor on jobs etc.

you're my 15 year old daughter's other mother, aren't you?

either that or they're twins, separated at birth.

Makeup ground into the carpet is the most frustrating thing ever. i've fantasised about making her pay for lino but she never has any money, she spends it all on makeup.

I have to say the ASD thing has made me think. As a little one she would hand flap when excited, had some sensory issues like hating seams in socks, lumpy foods, wouldn’t tolerate clips or hair bobbles. Just little things I would notice. Academically there have been no problems at all and she appears to have outgrown most of the things that bothered her when she was small.
She has however never been able to sense her own space IYSWIM. She will stand in the way of the TV, in front of you in the kitchen and won’t move out of the way until asked. She walks everywhere flat footed and really heavily, bangs into things, slams doors, bangs thing down on tables. The only way I can describe it is you know she’s in the room lol.

That sentence about not noting that something is about to roll off a surface, or a cup is too full, or that a dirty hand will leave a mark when you touch something - that’s her to a tee and now I don’t know if it’s her just being careless or she maybe just doesn’t process it?

Can you take up her carpet and put down laminate flooring instead. We did that in our kids' rooms, and it's been great. Hard wearing, easy to clean and YNBU

Three weeks is ridiculous. Where did that even come from, that idea of an extended punishment like that? It’s horrible.

Posters who would do this will probably not end up having the closest relationships with their adult daughters. My mother is like my best friend and I would do anything for her. We are so close. She lost her temper a few times when I was younger but she would never give arbitrary three week overly harsh and cruel punishments. It’s absurd.

The suggestions to replace the carpet with flooring or to get a rug to cover the carpet are not helpful. OP's daughter clearly needs to learn to respect her parent's home. Until she does, there is no benefit to replacing the carpet. She will just damage it too.

@Toebeans, to me it sounds much more like she has dyspraxia. I have this too. I often didn’t realise when i was making a mess. I’m better now but still very clumsy.
Please don’t do the extended 3 week nastiness m.

Can you take up her carpet and put down laminate flooring instead. We did that in our kids' rooms, and it's been great. Hard wearing, easy to clean and YNBU

OP already said this would be too too noisy

Ok I'm not sure if it will help but I bought these from Amazon for my teens. They did make up in front of.the mirror and leave everything on the carpet. The idea is they store everything inside and open out the mat to apply make up. I didn't tell them they're intended purpose. (Presented it as a zip off make up bag type thing)

Touch wood, so far, they've worked really well.

www.amazon.co.uk/Vindar-Portable-Changing-Foldable-Organizer/dp/B07FYJJZK8/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_d_yo_pop_d_pd_t2&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21

And no you don’t have to ‘stick to’ a punishment that you announced in a temper that was over the top. There’s no need. She’ll respect you less for sticking to something so harsh.

I just read Ohtheholidays post myself - rings bells. My DD isn't clumsy by accident though, it seems to be part of her condition. She does horrible things, and then goes ballistic if you question her on it. Mild stuff she does - she spent hundreds of pounds on a make up brush collection, then ruined all the brushes and put the lot in the bin.

Check symptoms of dyspraxia (DCD) too - my son has this and is absolutely the same regarding rubbish/spacial awareness etc