Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

[Feelingsad33]

I would say it depends on her skin. If she had acne (as I did and still have!) then i would hate to leave the house without foundation on. Although you could confiscate all the rest.

[JeanPagett]

Assuming she doesn't have serious acne or something like that that might make her terribly self conscious (or I suppose school photos etc), then I think you're being perfectly reasonable. Accidents happen but clearly that isn't the case here.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

DD1 is a messy one too, I feel your pain. It's not uncommon in teenagers, a lot of her friends are similar. She just doesn't seem to see it and my nagging has no power over her. She's never getting a new carpet and every so so often I deny all taxi duties etc. until she tidies up (we also live in the middle of nowhere).
I'm hoping she'll grow out of it, her sister is a lot tidier.

[ashtrayheart]

Punishment can breed resentment. I would sit down with her and discuss the problem, your expectations and encourage her to think of some action she can take to solve it and future similar issues. I did this with one of my children recently and was amazed that when it was her suggestions, she was keen to follow them and she did!

[Frances53]

Hang on in there. My kids were both horribly messy. I stopped doing any cleaning or tidying on their rooms, apart from collecting crockery when we had run out, and now, aged 25 and 28 they are really tidy and clean in their own homes. I’m not sure that would have happened if I hadn’t been pretty tough on them.

[Santaclarita]

Many of us do but never turn into screaming, controlling banshees that would watch their child walking out the door feeling uncomfortable without wearing make up! It's a stain on a carpet FFS, the girl hasn't committed a criminal offence.

And you would happily sit back and watch a 15 year old ruin your house for years, having been told repeatedly to stop making a mess? Sticking lolly sticks to your skirting boards, dirty hand prints on your walls, dirt in the carpets etc. You'd be happy with all of that?

Id put up with that from a toddler or a baby. They don't know any better. But once they know right from wrong they have no excuse. A teenager has no excuse. It's lack of manners and respect that she has. She's 15, not 5.

Yeah maybe op shouldn't have screamed, but she was at the end of her tether. My mum has shouted at me before, it made me realise I'd crossed the line. This teenager needs to realise that too. This is the kind of person people end up sharing rooms with in uni, that leave dirty plates in sinks, never clean the bathroom etc. They are hated. And I bet you wouldn't live with someone like that.

[PippaRabbit]

@PippaRabbit You are the only screaming banshee here. Twat.

I've never screamed sinead, the OP admitted to "going ballistic" though. As for the "twat" comment, you sound a very angry person. ☺️

[user1473878824]

“Owning and wearing make up is not a privilege” it is when you’re 15.

[ImHudsonHesHicks]

She clearly doesn't give a fuck about ruining things you pay for.
For my kids, if they left mess when eating they'd be told that not a scrap of food, not even crisps to be eaten anywhere but the kitchen table. Spilling coffee? Kitchen table to drink it too. And she would not be permitted to leave the room until she had cleaned up what mess she makes.

Kids do naturally make mess, as in leaving their things about, but dropping stuff onto floors that ruin the carpets is disrespectful and I would come down hard on that.

My house is not tidy. I'm not overly house proud but I will not allow people to walk over chunks of food on the floor, spillages or smear make up onto carpets.

OP, you've not been too harsh at all. Use your anger here to fuel addressing her other unnecessary messes.

[Reaa]

Could you put a rug down over the carpet?

[PippaRabbit]

And you would happily sit back and watch a 15 year old ruin your house for years, having been told repeatedly to stop making a mess? Sticking lolly sticks to your skirting boards, dirty hand prints on your walls, dirt in the carpets etc. You'd be happy with all of that?

No, and I didn't have to. Teenagers constantly make mess -well mine did-- as they did when they were toddlers. I cleaned it when they were toddlers, they cleaned it as teenagers. Is that ok with you?

[Littlewhitedove]

I would suggest laminate flooring or similar instead of carpet in her room.

[Amlen]

I'd give her laminate flooring not carpet since she's messy. And when she makes a mess a bucket and mop will be her friend. My mum will have zero patience for this type of behaviour yanbu

[ohtheholidays]

Being as she's always been like this OP have you thought about having that looked into?

I only ask because 2 of our 5DC were diagnosed as asd quite along time ago now and now our 15 year old DD is awaiting the same diagnosis.

Our 15 year old DD is very clumsy,she always has been,we've had the same with make-up dropped,things broken,drinks spilt ect and now it looks like it's a part of her asd.

[snapnfarter]

I haven't read the whole thread but I would have cried myself dry if someone had taken my makeup off me at 15. I suppose she does understand the value of carpets and furnishings because she's asked for them for Christmas, rather than just 'expecting' them to be replaced.
However, staining carpets and furniture in other areas of the house is completely unacceptable! I think a carpet clean will remove them but that's not the point.

Take heart from this whole situation that clearly she has a hobby that she loves and perhaps could be cultured? She might grow up to be a successful makeup artist. Don't be too hard on her hobby. It might not be creative writing or physics experiments she's doing in her room. But it doesn't mean that she can't make a good living and travel the world out of it. x

[BigBairyHollocks]

YANBU- she clearly doesn’t give a crap about taking care of the house and being respectful,she needs to learn now and you have said it now so stick to your guns.

[SkaTastic]

God this would get on my fucking tits I don't blame you at all. My 14 year old is much the same and doesn't give a shite about anything.

Maybe keep the makeup a couple of days and then tell her that if she doesn't put it on in the bathroom (or other place with wipeable floor) then you will bin it?

[Coyoacan]

I am old and I don't live in the uk. So are girls allowed to wear make-up to school nowadays?

[Yabbers]

Not harsh at all. I’d have done the same. At 15 she should be well able to leave the house without makeup. It’s actually worrying to me that she thinks she can’t.

[WhyAmISoCold]

YANBU. I'm honestly gobsmacked at the replies saying it's only a carpet etc. It stands for a total lack of respect for the things you pay for. She does need to look after it. She has been told repeatedly, she has ruined another carpet, she suffers the consequences. Stick with it and maybe she will remember.

I have a 10 year old where nothing I say sinks in. He listens, agrees, then goes and does it again anyway. It drives me mad. Example is washing must go in washing basket. Bathroom is next to his bedroom, not a difficult task but I constantly find dirty socks and underwear stuffed in places in his room. He also doesn't change them daily despite being constantly reminded. I found another lot stuffed behind his desk, half under the drawers today. Xbox went straight off. He borrowed my good crafting scissors, I said fine as long as they were returned. I reminded him to put them back when I saw them in his room, he said he will still using them. Now he doesn't know what he's done with them. It's non stop repeating myself and the lack of respect is not acceptable. So I feel your pain OP.

Posters saying YABU are the ones who let their kids rule the roost.

[Gemini69]

I cleaned it when they were toddlers, they cleaned it as teenagers. Is that ok with you?

but as OP has said again and again..... THIS teenager doesn't clean it..

[mathanxiety]

PippaRabbit -
I have a 28yo, a 23yo, a 20yo and a 17yo. They were all 15 for a year. None of them approached the level of klutziness the OP describes. There is a difference between messy and very clumsy.

My DDs had messy rooms but the mess was basically clothes that missed the laundry basket or beds unmade or laundry not put away, plus homework papers, books, cds. They loved makeup and nail polish, and they had hair straighteners. They did not overfill mugs and then slop beverages on the floor or the counter, nor did they carelessly track mud or snow through the house, and they did not drop makeup brushes or applicators or blobs of foundation or whatever on furniture or floors.

There is no doubt that teens can be messy, but It's the inability to see that a mug is too full, that something like a lipstick will fall off the edge of a piece of furniture, or that walls will be marked by grubby hands (how does a 15 year old have such grubby hands? This is unusual) that had me wondering about an underlying issue involving focus and organisation.

[Yabbers]

It's a stain on a carpet FFS, the girl hasn't committed a criminal offence.
Living without makeup is also not a criminal punishment.

[Geraniumpink]

Whilst the punishment might fit the crime, I’m not sure it’s going to do much good to their relationship.

[Toebeans]

We’ve tried the eating in the kitchen rule but it’s generally forgotten within a day. I think I probably am the problem as I don’t carry punishments through. I find it hard to get the balance right as I had a mother who was ridiculously strict, shouty (and handy with her slaps) and I don’t want that for my kids. I have to be pushed quite far to react by losing my temper and then I do shout badly (which is what I did today).

I’m aware that I treat her like a best friend which is lovely and we do get along really well but this can sometimes mean she doesn’t bloody listen as I don’t garner her respect as a mother.
I feared my mother and I wouldn’t want that for her but I do want her to respect me a bit more.