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AIBU?

Have I been overly harsh on DD?

411 replies

Toebeans · 04/11/2018 21:01

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

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Drogosnextwife · 04/11/2018 21:51

Why did you put her make up in the spare room when you know how messy she is with it should have insisted she do it I the bathroom and why o. Earth have you moved all the stuff out her room 3 WEEKS before the new stiff comes?

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maddjess · 04/11/2018 21:52

The have a filthy carpet

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mathanxiety · 04/11/2018 21:52

The details you provide are examples of really unusually messy/klutzy/careless behaviour.

Have you ever had her assessed for any issues with organisation/focus?

I can see how you are incredibly frustrated, and I don't think the punishment was too drastic. I would have canceled the furniture order for her room on top of taping her makeup away... I second the advice to take the tape off the furniture asap and put the makeup under lock and key somewhere else.

Chores shouldn't be a punishment - they should be encouraged as a normal part of life and something self respecting people do. I would not make her do chores around the house, partly because someone as careless as your DD would probably destroy whatever she touched. In the future, however, I would supervise her cleaning her own room once a week, including scrubbing marks off walls, washing her bedding, drying, folding airing and remaking her bed, etc. I would also make her clear up any mess she makes with spilled drinks, mud, etc. (supervised).

However, I would look into whether there is a wider issue before getting any of this started.

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Toebeans · 04/11/2018 21:53

3 weeks is because we had to paint her room on my rest days this week - the furniture comes on my next lot of leave which is 3 weeks time. Up until now she’s had full access to everything stored in the spare room - no hardship!!

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Drogosnextwife · 04/11/2018 21:53

Also lost make up will wash out pretty easily. When I was a teenager I put burn marks all over my carpet with straighteners. They are still there in my mum and dad's house 15 years later!

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nicebitofquiche · 04/11/2018 21:53

I agree with you OP. You haven't been overly harsh at all.

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Dragongirl10 · 04/11/2018 21:54

YANBU....you must not cave in now, she has no respect for your home.

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Believeitornot · 04/11/2018 21:54

Do you buy her a lot of stuff? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t treat things well.

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GerdaLovesLiIi · 04/11/2018 21:55

And that's why we have wipeable floors and easily replaceable rugs. So much less effort.

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Kahlua4me · 04/11/2018 21:55

Would it work to allow her to do her makeup in the bathroom? Wouldn’t sort the problem now but may help in the future...

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Sinead100 · 04/11/2018 21:55

OP YANBU not even slightly!!

You’ll get women saying it isn’t but that’s because they don’t understand what it’s like to wear make up every day and have that taken away

I wear a full face of makeup every day - but owning and wearing makeup is a PRIVILEGE, not her god given birth right. If she, at 15, cannot look after her surroundings and at least TRY to apply it carefully with minimal spillage, then why should she continue to have the luxury of wearing it? At 15, she is obviously not going to work and earning money to pay for it herself, so she needs to respect the person who 1) Puts a roof over her head and 2) Funds her makeup collection!

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PippaRabbit · 04/11/2018 21:56

The details you provide are examples of really unusually messy/klutzy/careless behaviour.

Have you ever had her assessed for any issues with organisation/focus?

😂😂. Have you a 15 year old?

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Santaclarita · 04/11/2018 21:57

Damn some of the reactions on here explain fully why teachers hate their jobs now. Do you people ever discipline your children?

OP you've done the right thing. Ignore the parents that clearly never say no to their kids. She needs to learn some respect for other people's possessions. I would also be cancelling the furniture to be honest if I could. She can save up and buy some herself. Putting a lolly stick against the skirting boards? And how on earth at 15 is she getting her hands so dirty they leave marks on the walls? She sounds gross.

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Toebeans · 04/11/2018 21:58

If she’d accidentally dropped it, picked it up straight away and made an effort to clear it up it be peeved but accepting that it was an accident.
The fact the brush was dropped last night, left there overnight with not a care I’m the world just shows she doesn’t really care. And yes, she does have too much. Pretty much whatever she needs gets bought for her.

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PippaRabbit · 04/11/2018 21:59

I wear a full face of makeup every day - but owning and wearing makeup is a PRIVILEGE, not her god given birth right. If she, at 15, cannot look after her surroundings and at least TRY to apply it carefully with minimal spillage, then why should she continue to have the luxury of wearing it? At 15, she is obviously not going to work and earning money to pay for it herself, so she needs to respect the person who 1) Puts a roof over her head and 2) Funds her makeup collection!

Oh FFS listen to yourself. Have you NEVER spilled make up? Owning and wearing make up is not a privilege, it's a choice and the OP hasn't said her DD doesn't pay for it herself. Respect works BOTH ways btw. A screaming banshee does not earn nor deserve respect.

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LoveBeingAMum555 · 04/11/2018 22:00

I dont have daughters so not sure if the punishment is fair really, but I would have been reluctant to buy her new furniture - even as a Christmas present. How do you know she will look after the new furniture if she doesnt look after the carpets. Will this just not cause you stress knowing you have paid for new furniture when she is not good at looking after things?

DS1 has a stain on his carpet (alcohol or coffee) which has not come out. It's not really noticeable but I am not buying him a new carpet, even though the old one is a bit tired. He doesnt deliberately trash things, but he is quite careless so it's not worth it at the moment.

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PippaRabbit · 04/11/2018 22:00

The fact the brush was dropped last night, left there overnight with not a care I’m the world just shows she doesn’t really care.

That's not a fact. Did you see her drop it and walk away? Was it an accident?

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Geraniumpink · 04/11/2018 22:00

Wow, I expect your house looks lovely. I have a messy teen too, her carpet looks cheap and awful anyway, her hot glue gun/ acrylic panting projects have taken their toll on it and on her bedding too. I don’t mind, particularly. It’s the hair dye in the bathroom that made me a little upset - now she knows to use the navy blue towel and clean up any mess. I’m just not especially houseproud, so I don’t really care.
i’d have made her clean up the stain and only use make-up in the bathroom and give her bathroom cleaning as a weekly job.

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TheGrassIsGreener3 · 04/11/2018 22:01

You are being way too harsh. I'm an adult and still accidently drop makeup on the floor quite regularly. There have been countless times when I've dropped a container of powder/bronzer on the floor and it has smashed into loads of pieces. That's why I have wooden floor. Makeup is messy.

You've said she's not having wooden floor. But wooden floor would not get stained like carpet. If you're happy to have stained carpet in a room in your house, that's up to you, but I would personally just bite the bullet and get wooden floor in your DD's room.

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MeredithGrey1 · 04/11/2018 22:01

I wear make up every day and would hate to go to work without it on, but I don’t think this is unreasonable at all. However if she has bad skin I would perhaps allow a concealer because teenagers can be quite mean to others about acne etc.

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PippaRabbit · 04/11/2018 22:03

Do you people ever discipline your children?

Many of us do but never turn into screaming, controlling banshees that would watch their child walking out the door feeling uncomfortable without wearing make up! It's a stain on a carpet FFS, the girl hasn't committed a criminal offence.

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RhubarbTea · 04/11/2018 22:03

And yes, she does have too much. Pretty much whatever she needs gets bought for her.

Ah, well that's your real issue then isn't it - and the thing that is really winding you up here. She's getting complacent/arrogant because all her needs are provided for and is turning into a slightly spoilt teenager. I would have probably reacted the same in your shoes, but really the best punishments come from reflection, and deciding what seems fair - rather than losing your shit and baying at them.
Maybe have a think how you want to move forward in terms of the amount of stuff she is given, and how that is shaping her personality. That is a big thing to consider which takes more time and which could have further reaching consequences for her than just three weeks without makeup.

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Lucyccfc · 04/11/2018 22:03

She's very lucky. In my house, every bit of make up would have gone in the bin. There have to be consequences for continually treating her room as a pig sty.

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Toebeans · 04/11/2018 22:04

She probably will wreck this furniture to be honest, the stuff she has now is scratched and has nail varnish on it. It was second hand though (in perfect condition when bought) and she wants a new colour scheme in her room.
It’s an xmas present though so if that what she wants that’s fine. I have told her that it’s the last time she’s having her room done out at my expense though. If it’s ruined before she’s old enough to leave home then that’s her look out and she has to live with it.

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Sinead100 · 04/11/2018 22:04

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