Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

3 weeks!! honestly???-i discovered bunking off school when my mum took mine. (i only wore foundation/blush+mascara at time).and she did it cos she could,not cos id rule-broke. could you (rent) a carpet cleaner thing and make her wash all the carpets in house on weekend praps? -oops just read over-dont wash new carpet!!.praps 1001? (depends what sort carpet,what sorta stain..) I realise punishment /lesson learning is required. housework is a thankless task usually so assign the crappiest jobs her way maybe?..also..would you consider vinyl flooring for her room?a rug might be nice but its easier clean. ..obv she still needs to treat things properly.

I cannot believe some people are saying "Oh it is only a carpet". We are about to put new carpets down in our new house at an expense of nearly £2k. If ANYONE staines or damaged them I would hit the flipping roof. It is not ONLY a carpet it is a total lack of any respect for her parents, and the things her parents money buys.

OP please stick to your guns here, I don't think you are being harsh enough tbh!

I’d tell her she can have her make up back once she’s removed the stain. Give her a few different products and time to resolve the issue.

After you’ve returned the makeup promise her that when ever there’s a stain on the floor you’ll keep her make up. And When ever the floor is stain free she can keep her make up. Simple rule

My 15 year doesn't wear make up to school, they aren't allowed anything obvious anyway. I'm saddened that there are girls who find going a few weeks without make up a terrible, stressful experience

My daughter was the same. She doesn’t have the same standards as me. She has her own family and house now and it’s not the cleanest. Could you consider laminate or floor boards or Lino for her bedroom?

You have certainly been more harsh than I would have been but I might be very laid back and not big on punishments anyway. I'd be concerned that she might experience a drop in confidence if she always wears make up if she is denied it for three weeks and three weeks is a really extended punishment which will no doubt case bad feeling. Nothing wrong with taking a step back and reconsidering if you ask me.

Make her put it on in bathroom and check she leaves it clean too. I personally think you have been a bit harsh. At 15 make up is everything and you don't want other children bullying her if she is going to have to go to school looking different to usual.

From what you describe your DD is very similar to my DD aged 18. My DD was diagnosed with ADHD 4 years ago which explains some of the problems she has with messiness, clumsiness and general chaos with her belongings. Far from wishing to diagnose your DD (given the reaction to the previous poster talking about dyspraxia) it may useful for you to know about someone with similar problems. My other 2 DC's are very different to the DD with ADHD thankfully or the house would be a total tip!

Not harsh or unfair at all. You've worked for what you have, you've made her room nice and the home comfortable. Let her see what it's like to go without her makeup for a while and perhaps realise how much she offends and hurts you with her uncaring behaviour. 3 weeks is nothing.

Why are you buying her new furniture if she will just destroy it?

I dont know how you'd go about it without it seeming like a rward but I'd get wood flooring

Regardless of how you deal with the make-up issues, your daughter does need to learn to respect you, your property and belongings (hers and yours) and to be more careful - if she is plain clumsy then maybe asking her to slow down a bit or think first to reduce the 'accidents' and consequent damage some of these are causing. Personally I wouldn't be buying her new furniture just yet either - maybe she needs to earn it. Good luck.

Im in agreement with @behappy123 . Have 2 DSs one with ADHD and one without and the difference is huge and DS1 genuinely cant help it and even kind of looks astonished himself when you point the obvious out. I ended up putting lino in their rooms that could be mopped... shoe marks/half spilled drinks/half eaten food. She does need to learn boundries but maybe she also needs extra help with organising her things ( i put quirky labels on everything and give everything a box/home to live in in his room, it seems to help, im like the queen on pintrest lol)

Too harsh. Give her a chance. She’s going to remember this situation in a positive way if you give her make up back and she promises to try and be more aware of what she does.

I have a daughter all grown up now but was exactly like this.I tried everything from removal to bribery and nothing worked.Recently she was diagnosed with ADD.Now I feel bad for not realising she couldnt help the way she was.Thats not excusing the behaviour as there are those who are not like my daughter but have a disease called teenage girl syndrome😪😪

I still can't quite believe the reaction of people on this thread to those of us who are suggesting the the OP investigate SN conditions, due to the OP's daughter sounding like our own experiences or those of our children.

There is a growing consensus that girls are massively undiagnosed for neurotypical conditions such as dyspraxia, ADHD, ASD. Leading to many women and girls developing mental health problems, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, because their actual condition is not being spotted. Early diagnosis is critical in supporting self esteem, learning and allowing the person and those around them to focus on strengths and support challenges.

Hiya OP. I don't think anyone could blame you for flipping out at your daughter. It must be so frustrating! Am glad you relented tho. It sounds like this has built up over a long period of time without being addressed so it's most probably a good thing that it's come to a head so you can both tackle it. I have a very clumsy child who is always knocking over and spilling things, lack spacial awareness, never sees the consequence of actions. Either a narcissist or dyspraxic! So I do kinda understand. If all in all she's a good kid, I would just seek solutions. And have consequences to actions. Make a list of the issues and together go through them and find practical solutions that you can both live with. I absolutely would insist on only food in kitchen (and following through with this is not harsh or strict, rather it's practical) what about cold drinks only allowed in bottles and hot drinks in take away cups with lids. Make up only allowed in the bathroom or big cheap washable rug around her dressing table that gets regularly washed or replaced at her expense. Whilst she may not be able to help being so clumsy, it shouldn't mean that you have to live in a messy house. I'm sure you will find a way forward.

Most people seem to have missed the point here. This isn't about accidentally spilling make-up, it's about not caring enough to clean up the mess. Accidents are frustrating but forgivable, negligence and blatant disregard for her parents house is not.

HRTFT
How is she allowed to wear make up to school. missing point of the thread. When I was at school the teachers used to check your face and go tell you to wash it off and in my opinion that just looked worse as most girls faces were then all streaky.
I don't think you're being too harsh OP. Perhaps this is what she needs to understand your frustration. Carpets are expensive and I would be extremely annoyed if my DC had no respect for our home and our belongings.
May be you could have a chat with her, explain your frustration in the hope her messiness and clumsiness etc improves. Like you said in one of your posts- accidents happen but to just leave something to stain the carpet is out of order. She's 15 after all not 3.

At 15 make up is everything and you don't want other children bullying her if she is going to have to go to school looking different to usual

Good grief, is this what it's come to? And this means it's a good idea to pander to/encourage a reliance on make up?

"Yes, darling I think it's fine that at such a tender age you are already judging yourself and others on looks, girls will be girls after all! Just keep worrying that you aren't good enough as you are and keep spending your pocket money on make up. Pop some foundation on and everything will be alright. Don't think too much about it, or you might see through the whole thing and then how would we keep women in their place?"

Hi all, thanks for all the replies, I can’t believe this thread is still going. Well, just to update, as I said before I untaped the drawer and because she knows she can’t use the make up in the spare room she’s not even attempted to go in the drawer to get it out.
She’s happy enough to go to school and she sat her GCSE numeracy exam today without any issues so she’s not upset about not wearing make up to school.
She’s currently upstairs singing away at the top of her voice and appears happy enough so I don’t think she’s been traumatised for life. Her and I had a chat and I apologised for losing my temper but also explained that I was gutted at the mess on the carpet. She did say she was sorry and did try to get the marks off as best she could however they are still there as this brow stuff is like a stain of some kind.
How to move forward with the fact there’s a possible dyspraxia issue I don’t really know as she will insist there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s currently being tested for thyroid issues as her last blood tests were showing high so whenever she has a repeat next week maybe I’ll mention it.
Thanks again

YANBU she needs to learn the consequences of her mess. I would question why she wears makeup everyday- it’s completely inappropriate for school. Why is she not making up in the bathroom I never make up anywhere else precisely because of the potential for mess.

You can ask for testing via the school? There should be a Senco person there.

The GP may be able to refer too.

If neither are interested, go private.

It doesn't matter what DD thinks about the prospect of testing. You can provide reassurance about any aspect of it that may bother her. It is important to get a diagnosis if there is an issue because of the impact of continued bashing your head off the wall as things currently stand and also because specific ways any issues are expressed can be addressed.

I’d be cancelling the order for new furniture too

It really does sound like dyspraxia (DCD).
My child's showing symptoms, and only a few years ago I read up on it, and realised that I have lots of symptoms, have had all my life.

I struggle a lot with mess. I genuinely cannot see it. I can't focus on all the parts of a room at one time. It takes a lot of effort to try to be tidy, and because of the lack of spacial awareness, it means it takes frustratingly longer than average to tidy up. It's fine if you can easily multitask and pick up several items at once and drop them off in their different homes. I find I can just have a slight delay in remembering which item I'm holding goes where, or rather which direction to move my arms in which order.

Sounds silly, but it means that if there are enough things needing doing, those extra seconds can really build up.

Please don't punish your daughter this way. Of course if she does have dyspraxia that's no reason for her to be lazy, but she can find ways to cope with it (if not a laminate flooring, then just a cheap rug, or even a plastic mat like the ones you can get for going under babies' high chairs could help).
It's easier to handle fewer things at once, so perhaps encourage her to take one thing out at a time, use it, and put it back before the next thing.

Dyspraxia can cause low self-esteem as it is. Get it checked out if you can, and please don't make her feel worse about it in the meantime. If that is what she has, then she doesn't mean not to respect her environment. She may just be a bit overwhelmed with keeping it tidy and clean, and it may take her more effort to do what you might think of as very simple organisational tasks.

You can reassure her even if she has dyspraxia there will still be nothing wrong her her. :-)