Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

No, and I didn't have to. Teenagers constantly make mess -well mine did-- as they did when they were toddlers. I cleaned it when they were toddlers, they cleaned it as teenagers. Is that ok with you?

Are you even reading the ops comments? This teen doesn't clean unless forced, and even then it sounds like she did a crap job on the carpet.

As a teenager, I used to work at stables. Come home covered in muck, mud, hair etc. I never once managed to put dirty hands prints on the walls or grind dirt into the carpets. Doing that is ridiculous, it's literally what toddlers do. She doesn't give a damn about her mothers house and needs taught a lesson. Going without make up won't cause her life to disintegrate. I never wore make up to school and had some spots. No one made fun of me for it.

Wood floor or large rug in her room? Annoying but some people are more clumsy. She does need to start cleaning up though when she does make mess.

@Toebeans Then you need to train yourself to be stricter. Stop her as she walks out of the kitchen with food "AH AH! Back in there with that!" Make it habit with you.

I understand why you can't have laminate in her room. My PIL have a house that you'd think the ceiling was crashing down just hearing someone walking across the carpeted bedrooms above you. Laminate would rattle the lightbulbs out!

And as for laminate being the magic solution? Having that doesn't save your flooring. DD's friends were over once and they (not DD) had a make-up fight trying to paint each other with it. Her make up was in powdery bits all over the f**king house and despite both DH and I telling the visiting girls to stop it, they looked at us and went for each other again, howling with laughter as the eyeshadow fell to the floor filling the cracks of the laminate. They also had false nails on. DD's floor is now covered in at least three tube fulls of nail glue I'll never get off. It's ruined. They actually wiped the excess glue off their messy hands onto the flooring! (Walked in on that one being done! ) and DD's brand new cheat of drawers had nail varnish brushes lying on them, covering them
In polish.

DD's makeup and nail polish collections have been locked away in a bag in my room for the last 4 months. She may get them back one day but she's not having those friends visiting until she has her own place for it! Reading some of the replies here I can guess who's homes they've come from.

In 5 years time when she's grown up and possibly left home will this really matter? She obviously is not a naturally tidy person. I really believe some people can't help making messes. It makes sense to prevent this happening again by either having her make up kept in the bathroom or have some kind of mat around where she does her make up in her bedroom. It's not worth ruining your relationship with her about it. I remember as a teen being quite messy with make up. My mum would always be angry with me that I had foundation on my flannels. She bought white flannels though so obviously this would be an issue. Why not just change the flannel colour or provide some wipes to remove my make up with? It was hard enough being a teen with acne and low self esteem without the anxiety of her criticising something I couldn't do much about.

If you start feeling sorry for her you could let her do her make up in the garden.

Yanbu she's 15! I wasn't even allowed make up at her age. It's not her right to have it. I repeat SHE IS FIFTEEN

I think three weeks is harsh, but equally a natural consequence. That said, why can't she do her makeup in her own room without furniture? If the decorating is done, could you move a mirror in there and she can have the makeup in there? And she does need to step up too. So no eating or drinking outside of the kitchen - she sticks to the one room for food and drink as her side of the deal of getting her makeup back. But you will have to remind her for a while, until it becomes habit.

Op, my 15yo can be messy and untidy but not to the extent of yours. I think the dirty hands thing is odd, plus dd has never spilled makeup in her room. Does sound like there might be more going on with your dd.

But if there isn’t, then yanbu - you’re not being too harsh. Carpets and furniture cost a lot, and i’d Expect dc to get this by 15 and be more careful.

I think it’s mean to take her makeup away pick your arguments with teens I think.

I am messy like her I don’t mean to drop things I just do.

I think you are punishing her for something she can't help... Why don't you ask her a way she can pay towards a clean area to do make up in.. a cheap rug in front of the mirror? Well organised space for her to keep things in? Look for soloutions to the problem inwteas. And I'm not sure that some pp understand how important make up can be to a 15 year old girl especially now... Make up is a huge thing.

Oh no...🤦🏻‍♀️...This is going to be my DD very soon?!

Everything you have just said about when she was younger is my DD now and she is 9

Thanks for the heads up OP...Make up is banned!...OJ 🙃

I think you are punishing her for something she can't help...

I'm confused by this ?

YANBU. Dirty, destructive.

Stayed in bed sorry for herself - what a catch for future flatmates. Do her a favour OP, stick to your guns.

@Gemini69 Actually laminate flooring isn't the same as wood - it has a thick under padding which is excellent at absorbing noise. I have two teens that stomp around so I know, which is why I suggested it.

@Ifeelinclined Replacing the carpet with an easy to clean flooring makes life easier for the OP in the long run, regardless of whether her daughter is disrespectful of the parents house or not. That is a separate issue.

She has every kind of make up storage solution, the acrylic drawers, holders, pots for brushes etc, her dressing table is like a beauticians desk. And yet stuff is still left open, liquid eyeliner brushes rolled under her chair, powder filled brushes on the floor etc, Wipes everywhere, it’s not accidental just lazy.

Stick with it OP. Absolutely the right way to go - I wish I'd done that years ago. If you don't teach them to respect other people's stuff they will carry on doing it. I have a much older DD who does the same and it's a whole lot harder to punish an adult DD. Her bedroom carpet is a skanky mess and there is no way I am replacing it until she leaves home. My fault for being soft.

I think it would be better to come up with a solution than just go in with a harsh punishment. What you want to achieve is for the mess to stop so why not let her do her make up in ge bathroom which is presumably tiled and stains won’t happen.

Toebeans please seek an ASD or dyspraxia assessment for her.

The details you have given really do sound like part of a bigger picture here.

@Gemini69

She is clumsy.. it is in her personality and no amount of punishment s will change it. I have clumsy DS as well.
We try to manage it by only allowing food in certain areas, etc.

And I agree it does sound like dyspraxia.. which my nephew has. Zero spacial awareness.

You could let her have her make-up back and put up with the mess but be closer, or carry out the punishment, be right but possibly drive a wedge between you. It's tricky but I lean towards the first one, with a good chat about mess and trying a bit harder. She'll still be messy, I'm sure, but is it worth the hassle? I wouldn't want to leave the house without a bit of a base and some definition to my sparse brows so I do feel for her a bit too.

A messy teen doesn't always mean a messy adult, it can be just a phase. DD1 is very good when we're on holiday or when she's at her friend's houses so there is hope.

Can't believe all the folks saying you're being too harsh! If it had been a one off then yes, but given what you've said about her then I think you did the right thing. 3 weeks without make up will hardly kill her...🙄

Assuming you can get through this week, I think I would return the make up next weekend (I am surprised her school allows it anyway) as a "nice surprise". Between now and then I would buy a lightweight rug for the dressing table area that can be machine washed (I had a couple from Ikea).

I think she has gotten off too easily. If she has been told repeatedly, then I would ban make up for a year. I would also make her pay to have the carpet cleaned in the spare room.