Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

So now not only are my paraphrases too subjective, but the OP's opinions are too subjective and also likely not even her own?????

I have agreed with you that a doctor saying "strongly suggest" is different from an unqualified person on the internet saying "strongly suggest" .

Would you prefer it if I qualified my "strongly suggest" with the disclaimer - ( I am not a doctor, I am an unqualified person on the internet, basing my opinions on my own experiences of being dyspraxic and having dyspraxic children) just incase people reading had assumed I was a doctor?

OP, I think you know the answer - there have to be consequences to her actions, and she has to follow through. If she spills coffee, she has to mop it up and clean the carpet herself. If she leaves dirty hand prints on the wall, she has to clean them off herself. If stains won't come out with the materials you have to hand and a bit of elbow grease, then specific stain removers have to be bought from her pocket money. If the stain still won't come out then a professional cleaner has to be paid for from her pocket money. There have to be consequences and you have to be strong enough to see them through. Who put the lolly stick in the bin - you? You should have shouted her to come and get it and put it in the bin, interrupting whatever she was doing and insisting it be done right now.

Whichever areas she tends to mess up the most - not her room, I'd let her be as messy as she wants in there as she's the only one who has to live with it - make her responsible for cleaning them, at least once a week, to an acceptable standard.

If the only consequence she suffers is that you occasionally shout at her, but you still clean up the mess, then she has no incentive to change.

and by the way, the phrase "strongly suggest" came from you in the first place! I only used it cause you did. I said "it sounds like dyspraxia to me" Admittedly I didn't quailfy that with (I'm not a doctor, just an unqualified person on the internet basing my opinions on my own experience) . Apologies!

Not read all the well over 300 replies...

I am stunned at your self control. Well done OP.

I would have binned it all. No questions. A lack of respect for the people who provide all the "stuff" and the home, and the "stuff" that belongs to those other people is the one thing that makes me madder than anything else.

and by the way, the phrase "strongly suggest" came from you in the first place! I only used it cause you did. I said "it sounds like dyspraxia to me"

There is a post where you state:
"There is lots that strongly suggests dyspraxia, if you knew about dyspraxia you would realise that."

can she not store and put the make up on in the bathroom?

dungeonanddragon, look at your post above that one, at 1450 yesterday

"Not sure what your isssue is.

My issue is that there is that special needs are suggested just about every time a teenager behaves in a way which is really not uncommon for teenagers. There is nothing that strongly suggests a disability in this case. Loads if people drop things sometimes. The issue is that she doesn't clear it up."

Digggers

I have read the full thread, my post was not directed at you, it was just my general opinion after reading.

but noone had said that you don't need to pick up after yourself if you have dyspraxia?

Digggers

From what the OP described, she's just a messy teen.

Because there is no good evidence that she does have it and I don't actually think it is helpful

And yet OP made the connections herself in a later post. Have you actually read it? Can I ask how it is actually “unhelpful” to suggest it?

It’s perfectly fine and actually important to suggest SN when you make those connections on reading a thread and I find it a bit odd that someone would be so intent on preventing that.

My sister was like that with makeup as a teen, her room was a pig sty. But when she moved out into her own home, she suddenly became very fussy about anything being in the wrong place/spilled/ messes made. So I think it was a respect problem not SN for her and many others.

What shocks me is how we've lapped up cosmetics marketing so much that we're worried about harming a teenager's self esteem by not allowing her to wear concealer or foundation. Boys manage to go to school bare faced without it wrecking their confidence, why are we reinforcing our daughters' belief that their self worth depends on whether their skin is blemish free?

Agree with @TheSmallAssassin

Unless Dd has some facial disfiguration that she likes to cover up, it can't be that distressing to go without makeup.

Do schools allow this much makeup?

I would tell her she is not old enough to handle makeup yet as she is still making such a mess.

Charcoal gray carpet can beat It, I took out all the cream carpets in my upstairs last year and replaced with charcoal gray in all the bedroom and a lovely strip up the stairs!! One year on still look like new!! Cream or beige just shows every mark!!

I promise she will love and respect you, but she will have the attention down of a gnat and that's all it is, give her make up back. But let her know any more marks and she will pay to have it steam cleaned ... Good luck. You do sound lovely btw ... My mum was lucky I was a tom boy ... I feel even luckier now, card carry lesbian and not of lipstick variety ... Th us clear skin and carpets

This is typical selfish 'Don't care cant be asked no idea how much things cost' attitude from a teenager. You have told her repeatedly to take care and now she has to reap the results - actions have consequences and this is her day to realise that! Unless you stick to your guns she will continue in this selfish behaviour and it will make her unpopular if she does it with the possessions of others.

Is there a way she can cover some of the cost for new flooring ( and maybe get laminate for her room instead of carpet).
She has to learn to look after things!

Ps never wore makeup everyday until I left school and went to uni ( and worn it everyday since!). I think makeup everyday for school is excessive unless it’s just covering spots etc

how self conscious does she feel without makeup? maybe you could just allow her to have her concealer back but nothing else? also, i would make it a rule that all makeup must be kept in the bathroom from now o and must not leave the bathroom

I would banned her from doing make up in her room do it in the bathroom it's to messy

Doesn’t matter if it’s ‘just a carpet’. She’s continuously messing up her own carpet and being purposely careless. It’s not okay and she needs a suitable punishment if she can’t be more bloody careful.

So no, I don’t think you’re harsh at all. If she feels self conscious then tough.

Can’t believe people on here saying this is harsh. No make up is hardly like no food, plenty of us get through most days without make up! It sounds like she doesn’t have much motivation to make an effort to be tidy/clean. Hopefully this’ll prompt her to be a bit less lazy about it.

We cleaned the carpet as best as we could and bought her a rug and one of those make up boxes for storing her stuff.
It's a lot better when she remembers to use the box. She's still 14 yet though, so we live in hope.

I would have thrown the make up in the bin -so no you are not harsh!