Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

Alexa, because quite often THERE IS a reason for it!

And quite often the negative consequences of someone’s behaviour can be alleviated by diagnosis, in that they can get appropriate support and understanding and have a better chance of avoiding the negative effect it can have on mental health and consequently behaviour.

@Toebeans i don't think confiscating her make up for three weeks will achieve anything.
Except cause her distress and possibly humiliation, result in her buying more and finding a way to use it without you knowing/ borrow her friends and remove it before coming home. Oh and hate you.

It won't get you clean carpets in the long run.

But I do understand that she's pushed her luck.

Thank god I have teenage ds's and only need to worry like a pp about those irritating black bits from football Astro pitches going all over the house
Glad I don't have dd's. All this nail varnish bedroom damage etc sounds like a nightmare
Yes, it's lucky you never had dds as all girls cause nightmarish bedroom damage and boys have pristine rooms.

I have three children with additional needs. All autistic to varying degrees.

They can still be utter asses when it comes to learning appropriate behaviour, but it doesn’t mean they get a pass. Consequences help cement good habits. My son knows if he has a shitfit and bashes his handheld consoles (he has many, most he's saved for an bought himself to satisfy his retro addiction) about he loses them for a length of time. He knows if he argues the toss that time will lengthen by 24 hours. He also knows that when he calms his bum down, and can articulate what is going through his slightly warped thought processes we can work out the consequence and it will often revert to the shorter loss. He hates consequences, detests them with a passion, but he understands that they’re necessary and part of him learning how to modulate his reactions for life beyond The Legend of Zelda.

Additional needs don’t mean a teen doesn’t have to make the effort. Unfortunately it means they often have to make much, much more effort. It sucks while it’s ongoing, but it’s necessary, because that teen can’t grow up to believe all their behaviours are allowable.

Being a slob isn’t just a teen thing. It’s a slob thing. Regardless of her being NT or having AN, she needs to realise actions usually have consequences.

I’m not saying she doesn’t need consequences, boundaries and to be taught respect! I’m saying that if she’s dyspraxic she may find keeping her make up tidy incredibly difficult, may be trying really hard already, and punishing her for something she can’t do is likely to have no effect beyond making her angry, anxious and lower her self esteem. But recognising her difficulties and putting in support and strategies to help will do the opposite.

Why is this place so black and white?

ooooh sorry Aventurine
sorry to point out differences between make up with dd's and not ds's!!

I do have to put up with smelly feet, smelly football boots and trainers, generally, and washing 2 lots of football kits, 3 times a week, each. Plus standing in the freezing cold watching football matches.

Diggers, I know that. Having a child with SN is exhausting. There's no doubt that's a fact.

I think you have done the right thing op! I would consider putting cheap lino down in her room. Or if she's bothered about the makeup stains and you refuse to replace the floor, let her buy her own rug to cover it.

Why do people always suggests a child has special needs on this forum? OP hasn't said her DD has dyspraxia and considering the DD is quite capable of applying makeup she is presumably not particularly uncoordinated. The fact that she doesn't make an attempt to clear it up or tell OP suggests that this is just a case of lack of respect for property which is hardly uncommon with teenagers.

Why do people always suggests a child has special needs on this forum?

Why shouldn't they? What exactly is wrong with considering that?

Why shouldn't they? What exactly is wrong with considering that?
People don't really suggest considering it

They don't "suggest considering it". They pretty much tell the OP that is the cause of the problem when a child is behaving in a way which really isn't uncommon among teenagers.

They don't "suggest considering it". They pretty much tell the OP that is the cause of the problem when a child is behaving in a way which really isn't uncommon among teenagers.

No they don't. They suggest it as a possibility and ask if the OP has considered it? Why is that not acceptable to you? Why do you resist the consideration of special needs? Why is that consideration not as worthy and of as much value as any other suggestion? Why are you irritated by it? I'm thinking you might not like the answers and what they tell you about yourself so probably won't want to dwell on it for too long...

Have you read the thread even? Earlier on OP has had a bit of a moment where she realises that it might be possible having connected this issue with other behaviours of her dd.

No they don't. They suggest it as a possibility and ask if the OP has considered it? Why is that not acceptable to you? Why do you resist the consideration of special needs?

As I said, I don't think it is just suggested as a consideration. It is given as the most likely scenario when actually the DD is behaving in a way that many teenagers without disabilities behave. The fact that she applies makeup suggests she has reasonable fine motor skills. Further fact that she hadn't attempted to clear the mess suggests she doesn't respect property.

Why are you irritated by it? I'm thinking you might not like the answers and what they tell you about yourself so probably won't want to dwell on it for too long...

What do you think it would tell me about myself? Are you going to diagnose me with something too ?

Dyspraxia can be extremely inconsistent, often fine motor skills can be unaffected, but processing and organisational
Skills are rubbish. I can put on make up, but often leave the lid off something and spill it and curse myself.

You sound very ignorant of dyspraxia.

And as someone already said, having dyspraxia or another disability isn’t a free pass to behave badly and also doesn’t mean that the person isn’t just as able to act like a normal teenager !

Op, have a look on the dyspraxia foundation website and see if it rings any bells with you. It may not. And your daughter may still be a lazy disrespectful teenager, even if she is dyspraxic. But if she is, there will be things she can do and you can do to help her . Not least forgive her a little for the things that she finds super difficult .

Surprised that schools allow their pupils to come in plastered in make-up.
We weren't allowed make-up at school and neither are my dds. I don't think they worry too much if you use concealer to cover spots or wear a plain lip gloss but they certainly couldn't go in with a face covered in slap.

It tells me that you are disablist if you are irritated by, scoff at and don’t see the suggestion of special needs as a perfectly acceptable, even valuable one. That you see the suggestion of some kinds of special needs as an “excuse” rather than as real and reasonable as any other possibility.

Or you might just be quite ignorant.

Just an update, DD happily went to school with no make up on - she doesn’t rely on it on a daily basis, she just enjoys practicing her face in the evenings it’s like a hobby.

I have untaped the drawers but have told her that under no circumstances is the make up to be used in the spare room. If she wants it then it’s taken and used in her own room on the floor as if she wants to wreck her already soiled carpet further then it’s her that has to live with it.

She appears only slightly sorry so I’m not sure where to go from here. I think just she has to be told if her room is trashed she lives with it - I won’t be redoing it that’s for sure.

If she has terribly bad skin (acne) then yes YABU, I've had makeup confiscated as punishment before as a teen but DM left me with my concealer as I was self conscious of spots - Find a different (harsh) punishment- ie. no mobile phone for a month or something...

If she has good skin then I can't see the issue with no makeup at all for 1 month as a punishment.

She's obviously got away with it for so long that she doesn't see issue with her behaviour, so something has to give...

Dyspraxia can be extremely inconsistent, often fine motor skills can be unaffected, but processing and organisational

I know that but you need fine motor skills to put on makeup and there is no reason to think that dropping things and not clearing them up are due to dyspraxia.
I have a neurological condition that can cause clumsiness but I don't suggest that other people have it just because they have dropped things.

It tells me that you are disablist if you are irritated by, scoff at and don’t see the suggestion of special needs as a perfectly acceptable, even valuable one.

Then you have misdiagnosed because I am disabled. That's the trouble with diagnosing people over the internet.

I've only read about half the thread. But I definitely don't think you over reacted. I do think you should have her assessed for ADHD though. Look up inattentive ADHD if she doesn't match the criteria for classic ADHD.

Really? So it’s only certain kinds of disability you take seriously then? You know nothing about dyspraxia. Do some reading for goodness sake.

Really? So it’s only certain kinds of disability you take seriously then? You know nothing about dyspraxia. Do some reading for goodness sake.

What makes you think I don't take all kinds of disability seriously? The fact that I don't approve of unqualified people diagnosing on the internet with very little information? I didn't say that I know a lot about dyspraxia but I do know that dropping things sometimes could be a sign of a lot of things (including my condition) but it probably has nothing to do with any disability let alone a specific one.