Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

I see that ADHD is being suggested too now.

ADHD and dyspraxia are being mentioned because they are relevant to what the OP has said. No one has “diagnosed” the daughter, it’s just been suggested that the OP look into the conditions to see what she thinks.

Not sure what your isssue is.

I agree it was the right thing to do, I was a messy teenager (not to this extent, but still) and regret not being taken up on it earlier. My parents were too lenient on me as a teen so as a young adult I was useless. Even now I bloody hate cleaning and am still messy (still not dreadful though or dirty). Paying for your own furniture/carpet/cleaning things yourself make you more careful!

I suggest for her new dressing table (if she is getting one) to put an easy clean runner on it so that will be saved a bit, and I like the idea someone else had of a fold up waterproof mat for her to put some makeup bits in before she goes and takes it somewhere, so the mess stays on there (mostly).

She does sound a bit of a hopeless case though, sorry to say, so I think prevention, so cover everything, definitely don't replace the carpet in her bedroom, and just nag nag nag I'm afraid.

Not sure what your isssue is.

My issue is that there is that special needs are suggested just about every time a teenager behaves in a way which is really not uncommon for teenagers. There is nothing that strongly suggests a disability in this case. Loads if people drop things sometimes. The issue is that she doesn't clear it up.

There is lots that strongly suggests dyspraxia, if you knew about dyspraxia you would realise that.

There is lots that strongly suggests dyspraxia, if you knew about dyspraxia you would realise that.

So what "strongly suggest dyspraxia". I have read OP's posts and I haven't seen anything that wouldn't describe a lot of teenage behaviour.

No. You didn’t even want it suggested. You wondered why people have to do that, you didn’t want it brought up at all. You said nothing about “diagnosing over the Internet”. And I asked why it shouldn’t be a reasonable contribution to the discussion, why it irritated you. You haven’t actually given an answer to that as far as I can see. Would you rather it’s never suggested and people just carry on being perceived negatively in the cases where it could actually be an issue?

Loads of people moan about SN being suggested on MN, it’s not just you don’t worry. You’re not alone in finding it boring and unnecessary. Is it because it takes the fun out the thread, out of the judging and suggestions of punishment; causes it to be less interesting?

Why are you asking other people to explain to you? Do some reading. There’s loads of good info on the thread already. Go back and read the post where OP herself has made the link.

Loads of people moan about SN being suggested on MN, it’s not just you don’t worry. You’re not alone in finding it boring and unnecessary.

People moan about the fact that it is constantly suggested when there is very little evidence because it is.

Is it because it takes the fun out the thread, out of the judging and suggestions of punishment; causes it to be less interesting?

It seems to me that if anyone is having "fun" it's the posters who always feel the need to tell everyone that their child has special needs.

Why are you asking other people to explain to you?

I am asking them to explain what they think "strongly" suggest dysprexia rather than normal albeit very messy teenage behaviour as I disagree. I have two teenagers and one is quite similar and certainly doesn't have dyspraxia.

I read the first few posts - OP I sympathise as my dd is exactly the same.

I then scrolled to the end of the thread, fully expecting it to have gone the way of all threads of mumsnet, adhd and disabilities. Yup.

OP my dd is the same, she's not got anything wrong with her except being a messy mare who doesn't think.

I'd probably only do a week without make up.

It seems to me that if anyone is having "fun" it's the posters who always feel the need to tell everyone that their child has special needs

Yes, it's the mumsnet way. It's predictable, boring and unnecessary.

You are making yourself look worse everytime you post. I’m won’t bother to say anymore. I don’t need to. You sound ignorant and yes, disablist, whether you are disabled or not. You don’t want to see it though and I haven’t got all day to try and educate you on how unpleasant your views are.

Calling posters disablist is nasty. Why on earth is your reading of the situation more important than other parents of teen girls?

Yes, it's the mumsnet way. It's predictable, boring and unnecessary.

To talk about children with SN and make connections between their behaviour and that being described is “boring and unnecessary”?

Right

Calling posters disablist is nasty. Why on earth is your reading of the situation more important than other parents of teen girls?

Boo Hoo.

My reading of a situation isn’t more important. That’s why I didn’t come and start moaning about other people’s suggestions l.

If you don’t like being called disablist then don’t be it.

I couldn't give a monkeys what some random on the internet calls me. My point was there's a predictable way that these threads go. I think there must be a group of posters who go on every thread and suggest adhd etc and then get irate when people say no, that's probably not the case.

Who got irate? The only person annoyed with how people were posting is the one who moaned about SN being mentioned.

Oh sorry. I assumed if you were insulting people by calling them names like disablist then you'd be angry. Didn't realise that's just how you communicate.

It's quite funny that you think it is "disablist" to not approve of the fact that on almost every thread like this some people pretty much diagnose a child as having special needs despite the fact that they are behaving pretty normally (for a teenager). As I am disabled myself, I am particularly not concerned about the fact that some random non-disabled person on the internet considers me to be disablist.

It's not an insult, any more than calling someone a racist is if someone is displaying those views. Again if you don't like it, don't be it.

@Dungeondragon15 Again no one has tried to diagnose anyone with anything, they've shared their experiences. And again your initial complaint wasn't about attempted diagnosis, it was about people talking about it at all. Never mind, you may attempt to change your story now but your posts remain so people can see for themselves what you actually said.

Ignoring the bunfight - yep it sounds very like DD2 in terms of her dyspraxia (and she's borderline for inattentive ADHD as well)... but even with that, we still have rules within the house to manage things and maintain parental sanity! I won't go off on one if something gets spilt... if something gets spilt and no one tells me in time to clear it up - there WILL be wrath though (which I don't think is an unreasonable distinction to draw really).

Likewise with drinks (and I'm the master of slopped coffee myself) - I know I'm bad for not being able to carry one without spilling it - so everyone gets asked not to fill cups too full and to go back for a second if they need one.

Just basic ways of making it easier for everyone because it does get wearing and stressful living with it over time and you'd be bloody bonkers not to get cross at times. It's a balance between not being precious over your house - but wanting to still be able to have nice things... all our nice things are very cheap and very easily replaceable!

Dungeon dragons i’ll Indulge you

Please compare the OP’s own words below with the information from the dyspraxia foundation.

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/symptoms/

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

And i’ll Reiterate two points again

• I am not diagnosing the daughter, I am suggesting that the problems that the OP has with her daughter remind me a lot of myself and My dyspraxic children and that she might have a look at the dyspraxia foundation’s website and see if it rings any bells.

• I have not suggested that having dyspraxia means that you should be excused disrespectful and bad behaviour, not have boundaries and consequences.

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“This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls

We’ve told her over and over again about being careful but she just drops things whenever and wherever. Food wrappers, dirty underwear, she’ll have mucky hands and just touch walls and doors, walk muck in on her shoes - she either just doesn’t care or actually has some sort of disorder. Nothing works - she’s just oblivious to it all.

She’s always been mucky and messy, a messy eater etc, not careful carrying things, would leave pens off felt tips etc and they’d be all over the place - just generally not careful with anything

Trouble is if I repent now then in a few weeks it will all be forgotten and she’ll do it again. She’s been told umpteen tones bfore and she keeps doing it.

There’d be no way she could have a wooden floor - she already sounds like she’s about to come through the ceiling!

I have to say the ASD thing has made me think. As a little one she would hand flap when excited, had some sensory issues like hating seams in socks, lumpy foods, wouldn’t tolerate clips or hair bobbles. Just little things I would notice.

Academically there have been no problems at all and she appears to have outgrown most of the things that bothered her when she was small.

She has however never been able to sense her own space IYSWIM. She will stand in the way of the TV, in front of you in the kitchen and won’t move out of the way until asked. She walks everywhere flat footed and really heavily, bangs into things, slams doors, bangs thing down on tables. The only way I can describe it is you know she’s in the room lol.

That sentence about not noting that something is about to roll off a surface, or a cup is too full, or that a dirty hand will leave a mark when you touch something - that’s her to a tee and now I don’t know if it’s her just being careless or she maybe just doesn’t process it?”

And childhood diagnosis is important . Being undiagnosed can lead to many problems

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dysp