To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

Wow . Just wow. I am feeling very very positive about my extended family having read this. Slightly wondering how your partner has let it come to this but maybe just explain that twins and pubs don’t work so you will leave them to it .It’s your first Christmas with three children I really hope it’s a very happy one for you.

We started saying no to people once my eldest was born. We didnt want to have to drag kids around peoples houses, and do one year here, one year there.

Now we stay in our own home and whoever wants to pop in they're most welcome. Last year I found ils took over and dn's behaved badly, so this year weve booked to go away for xmas week. Cannot bloody wait

Its nice to change things up and be in control of your own xmas traditions. I do understand however not everyone can do this but if possible I'd defo set a precedent and start saying no.

ohecto well no of course I don’t know what it’s like to have them all the time, but I know what it’s like to be in a restaurant by myself with 4 kids under 4. And I’m a multiple myself so I know to a certain extent what we’re like (we were horrible!)
My original post just said that maybe the MiL has only ever seen children sitting quietly out, which is why I didn’t think it was fair for people to say she was a mad person for asking them to the pub.

Oh come on!!!! It's just one day!!!!!

No, not really. That sounds like effing hell. And miserable for everyone and seriously, no matter how good the pub is the food is likely to be grim [and expensive].

Please say no. I spent my whole childhood having Christmases dictated by one particular set of family....who because they were the most difficult people in the room and the biggest sulkers everyone catered to. Bloody miserable.

I'd say flat out refuse. Offer to take some ready made stuff from M and S to hers and just tell her the pub idea is nowhere near practical and as it's the first Christmas for your twins it definitely shouldn't be in a pub.

fabulous solution.

I agree with the "I'm the mother now" mantra - there's a lot to be said for just deciding you are the one doing the active mothering, so get to decide what's best for the DCs of the family, and the extended family can fit in or miss out. (Obviously, assuming you have made it so they can fit in!)

Well done, ball in her court now, My Mum went on about taking DD to a restaurant foe Christmas lunch and I weakened when she was 2 or 3, can’t remember which. She then didn’t suggest it again for many years.

@IHeartKingThistle - make this year you stay at home…

It’d be awful. Definitely say no. You’ve tried really hard to compromise. Going to the pub is obviously more important than seeing you/having a nice time. Let them go without you.

Christmas meals out tend to be expensive so you all need to be able to enjoy it - and the other diners. I am sure other diners would not be amused if their Christmas dinner is disturbed by bored/tired children. I agree with other posters, explain it clearly to your MIL and point out that you may have to leave the meal early to take the children out, then offer all the alternatives again.

@CaveMum - please help your friend get out of that horrific Christmas visit and serve her h with his marching orders.

My mum finds cooking a roast a bit much these days so if we go there for Christmas, my husband cooks. It works really well. My mum gets to have us there for Christmas, plays with the kids and it's all stress free for her. Would that work?

I have twins and one older now 12, 10 & 10 (so it is survivable ).

The twin card can be used as a get out of jail free just about alive card - and needs to be. Jeez I. Any telly oh about he first few chrosrmases but suffice to say I needed .

Practice saying “so sorry, we have to manage our sanity at the moment and we know it won’t be easy to keep control and eat our meal in a pub and not find it really difficult. I know you will understand that now we have three children we’d like to have Christmas for them at our house - so DH and I will be cooking here. You are welcome tooand we would love to see you.”

Times do change when kids come along and sometimes your needs trump others. Look after your sanity.

Well done on your solution, and have a fabulous Christmas in your own home with your invited guests.

I was going to echo PerpetualStudent who suggested you say ‘Oh what a shame MIL. If those are your plans we’ll have to duck out this year. Never mind, enjoy yourselves’.

🌺

Just say, eating out doesnt work for us this year, may be in the future when the children are older. If you don't want to come to ours and want to carry on with your plans, we understand. But we won't be going to a pub or restaurant. Your Christmas your children, your decision... have a great one....

Couldn't you take a whole bunch of toys or an iPad to entertain the children? Everyone has children, it's silly that you can't enjoy yourself with your children. Even if they're crawling all over floor, what's the big deal? As long as their happy and not bothering anyone else.

No way.

My DD at 11m was pretty good at going out for lunch but not every time. The particular problem with Christmas lunch out is that it'll be a looonnngg drawn out lunch. Even on a good day DD would get agitated at being expected to sit for 2+ hours.

It makes a big difference having two 1 year olds to keep content.

It would be highly unlikely to be a success so don't put yourselves through it. Christmas day is supposed to be enjoyable. If MIL is so fixed in her plans, disregarding the needs of the rest of the family, the unfortunate consequence is that you won't be able to join them.

Yanbu. I have 1 the same age and I hate eating out with her for the same reason. It's not relaxing at all. So with 2 babies and an older one I would be putting my foot down and saying you go, but we will not be joining. Also, as someone who worked in a pub and did Christmas: it is going to be heaving, there will be hot food everywhere and every member of staff will be there running around with food and it will be full of drunks. Just not an ideal place for young ones really.

@Tinawithtwoboys maybe you've forgotten what it's like with a 1 year old in a pub. They don't just crawl all over the floor in a cute, confined and safe manner. They rampage everywhere, crawl under other peoples seats, eat stuff off the floor, poke plug sockets and stick their fingers in someone's dogs mouth. And you have to be there to oversee all of it, usually on your hands and knees yourself. It's hard enough with one so I can't imagine OP having two to worry about.

Neither of you have a nice time because you're constantly tag teaming in the baby manager and then scoffing down Luke warm food when you're off duty. Not to mention the fact that you don't get to have an entire conversation with any of the other guests and you've paid £60 or more for the pleasure.

Say no OP - YANBU!

Good result.
I think to avoid making MIL feel like she's 'missed' her year you should add a third option to your rotation so it's MIL, parents and hosting at home (with open invite to both sets if that's what you want). That way you can go to MIL next year assuming she doesn't try the pub lunch thing again, it will be no easier with twin toddlers than twin babies!

Is Tinawithteoboys one of those people who think rampaging children is fine in pubs and restaurants? It's dangerous to let kids free range when there's hot plates/drinks being carried about. Also why should the other diners, paying through the nose, be inconvenienced? And why should the OP and her dh have their Christmas meal ruined because they are constantly dealing with the kids? The kids won't enjoy it. They'll be bored.

Why not spend Christmas at home so your dc can enjoy their presents. Invite both parents and MiL. Be firm

Not sure why it was so hard to get to that solution OP?

Time for new family traditions and to assert yourself as a matriarch.

Time to put on your big girl pants, you have children now, and their needs are very important

Sweet Jesus, someone actually wrote & presumably enacts that dribble

assert yourself as a matriarch.hahha it’s a few Yorkshire puds not dinner at the Corleone

Err so let’s hope the op doesn’t put on any pants,big girl or not. And has the good grace and common sense to reach a mutually agreeable venue and solution. As opposed to never travelling cause she’s got kids. Kids who have toys. And we all know kids who have toys cannot travel,or leave their house on xmas day...

You are so lucky to have an “out”. My dp still insists on doing alternate Christmases and it’s a bloody nightmare. He looks all sad face when I suggest a small Christmas just the three of us [santa]