To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

The “alternate” thing drives me up the wall. There’s no rule which says it has to be turn about. Why not invite your own parents over and start the tradition of hosting in your own home. Do Christmas the way you want it. Forget trying to pander to MILs whims, she’s clearly not on board with how difficult it is to have 3 littles.

I think your IL’s have decided they can’t cope with the chaos of the family Christmas anymore and want to have a chilled adult one.

They know you won’t want the dinner in the pub, they will be happy spending it alone. They just want a different celebration to you.

No need to fall out over it or worry about it, am sure they will be fine about you making your own plans from what you have said.

Just smile say thanks and don't go

Sounds like you have a good plan now OP.

We used to alternate but stopped when DC2 came along. We do have Christmases either side of The Day with our families, including pub Christmas meals, but with only one small child it is much easier to tag team and the one of us who's not with our family takes the lion's share (so I get more time to chat to my family and DH with his, catch up with aunts & uncles etc). I would not do it with twins.

Our kids just love having 3x Christmases plus a quieter day at home playing with gifts, watching a Christmas film and starting our own traditions (home baked pastries for breakfast!).

When they get older, an option for a going out lunch, might well be to just leave after the meal. We have done that before (let everyone know in advance) and we made arrangements to see everyone in smaller groups before/after, which was easier for the kids being in a home environment while the adults chat and caught up, rather than stuck at an increasingly chaotic and messy table.

YANBU. I'd stay at home with your dh and dc on your own and have a lovely family Christmas day by yourselves . It's rude and selfish to expect you to do that with young ones as it is. People seem to forget how difficult and stressful it is if your dcs are young or they simply don't want to sit still. . It isn't going to be any fun for you and dh as youl just be watching the kids all the time. Done this loads of times where relatives just didn't understand the hassle of it as they didn't have young children and thought I was moaning for the sake of it. Saud they'd help. I ended up running around after the kids trying to keep them seated, entertain them etc etc. Up and down constantly whilst they got on with their own celebrations. I just started to refuse to go anywhere I didn't want to and stuff them if they didn't understand. Wasn't worth the stress. Just say no!

Why does she get to say no to everything and you don't?

Break free, have a new tradition, introduce your nuclear family pj xmas into the rota. You won't be sorry, your parents next year, mil try again in2020. Paying for caterers would be cheaper. Buy her a dishwasher if that's the problem. Why does everyone go to parents at Xmas it's mad

Sounds like hell! Stop trying to please your MIL as she clearly isn't fussed about pleasing you

No no nooooo you can’t subject yourself to this.
Pubs are for people without children or with much much older children who can have a laid back and peaceful meal.
You will end up stressed flustered and embarrassed when trying to contain them/eat your meal and ultimately minimise the noise and disruption for your in-laws and anyone else sitting near you.

Tell them you are staying home, they are welcome to come to dinner or pop in for a visit and go to the pub.
It might be nice to enjoy a Christmas at home tbh.
I’ve always wanted to do this just dh and ds but would upset too many.

YADNBU to say no to that, seems a bit odd, that she is so set on you taking young children to the pub when there are loads of other options. If she wants to go to the pub, fine, but to whinge about you not wanting to take kids there on xmas is just strange.

I didn't get to do Xmas at home often.
But I love the leftovers..
Picking at things you like that evening and next day...
Tell her...
Sorry that doesn't work for us.
It is the twins Xmas too and I don't want them unhappy and forced to sit in a chair for two hours.

How about a new Christmas tradition?
One year at your house, with parents visiting when they want. One year at your parents. One year at step-parents.
Your kids need new family traditions as well.

Tell her you’ll go to the pub, when the kids are 15.

Update: DH has told FiL we are staying home and they are welcome to join us or not. He is going to chat to MIL and let us know 😆. If they don't come we are going to invite my parents, DB and his partner so we still have family to share it with.

Thanks for the advice all. Massive relief about not having to go to the pub.

Yaayyy!! Well done! Bet you feel so much relief. Even though you really didn't need to explain yourself. Have a wonderful Christmas.

She is behaving very strangely. If she’s normally reasonable this is odd. What person who has ever been around toddlers would think this was a good idea it’s so clearly not. Why does one person (mil) get to be queen of the world and her whims dictate everyone’s else’s Christmas. Well done to your dh. When you have small children the scrupulous alternate year thing you do as a couple has to end.

@Buildalegohouse be very very prepared for them to say they aren't coming but change their mind closer to Xmas, tje night before or even on the day!! Be very prepared! Have extra food and folding chairs!! She sounds like the type of MIL to just appear 😂

CBA to rtft but YANBU!!! I have nearly 2yo twins and on Christmas day there is no way I would entertain this!!!! Fuck that!!!

Well done you. I bet it’s a huge relief now you can just enjoy the kids and let the noise and mess bother no one

Good for your DH. Do let us know what MIL and FIL vine back with, OP.

‘Come’ back with

Great. Oh, and you don’t have to accept whatever they suggest. You’re able to say ‘please come for a drink and a slice of cake in the evening in that case’

Unbongo I'm sorry but having twin nieces doesn't qualify you in any way to have an informed opinion on this matter.

Unless you've actually got 1 year old twins you can't even begin to imagine the stress of it all.
I have a 2 year old and 1 year old twins and we've been to a restaurant once, never again. I'll try it when they're all 4 and over. Frigging nightmare, and I think mine are well behaved, it's just shit and boring for them.

Of just explain that it isn't what you want to do with this kids and that maybe if she really doesn't want to have Xmas lunch with you at yours, she could visit in the evening where you could all carry on Xmas activities.

In addition to all the struggling for you and DH, the other customers - who have paid over the odds to have their celebratory Christmas Lunch out - as probably a special treat - will have to also undergo two tots struggling to get away from what is (to them) a boring episode. They eat then - they want to play, it's that simple!

We had one Christmas lunch out (first and last - but not because of the children :-) ) where there was a similar party - the children were too young to entertain themselves and for much of the event one - or both- parents were trying to entertain (shut them up) and eat a 5 course dinner as well!!
I have three kids and two grand kids and my advice would be swerve this suggestion - you know what's going to happen and so, probably, does your MIL. Just say 'No'!! Enjoy your Christmas and don't put yourself through this stressful ordeal!
We didn't do it again because it didn't feel very Christmassy! Also - when do you want to be bothered with buying raffle tickets when you're just about to tuck into your turkey and trimmings?
Just something else to think about.