To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

We used to take our 2DS (12 month age gap) out for family meals (grandparents birthdays usually) when they were little and it worked for a while but as they started to walk it got harder. They don’t “get used to it” and only stopped disappearing under the table when they got to about 8 years old! As a parent you don’t get to sit, relax, eat and chat. If it was me I’d stay at home

Don’t do it OP.

I love MN. There’s always someone who pops up to tell everyone how brilliant they and their children are:

‘Of course, I have ten children under eight and they are always perfectly behaved at long meals out. They simply love sitting there quietly discussing Pythagoras and his contribution to mathematical understanding. Of course, they have been accustomed to Michelin star dining since they came off the breast and switched to drinking specialist Nepalese yak milk but that’s just our parenting choice, to bring up civilised children, unlike you plebs and your noisy brats.’

Say no, end of discussion. Your mil is being a diva about this.It would be Christmas hell for you, your dh and for the kids. If it was me I wouls be having Christmas in my own house and let whoever wants to call to you call, rather than trying to move 3 children

Your mother in law may be lovely but she is being ridiculously inflexible here. Just because it’s “her turn” his year doesn’t mean she gets to dictate what you do. I like perpetualstudent’s approach... “ah what a shame, we won’t be joining you this year hen. Hope you have a lovely day, though!”. Don’t try and find something she’ll agree to, just tell her straight out no!

Absolutely say no to this. I wouldn't do it with my two year old and four year old. It's no fun for them and therefore no fun for everyone!

I would just say that going out isn't an option for you and therefore you have decided as a family to stay at home this year. They are welcome to join you should they want to.

Perfect opportunity to start having Christmas Day at home with your own family.

That sounds horrific OP. Just tell her it doesn't work for you and do your own thing.

It’s just one day...it’s lovely have the girls have the traditions at home without any compromise. We still see all our family within a few days of Christmas and have other ‘Christmas days’ with them. It’s perfect as the celebrations are spread out

No Way.
Christmas is all about the kids.
Everyone should be able to relax and enjoy the day.
What about the toys? 4 YO won't want to leave them.
What about naps?

Have Christmas at yours. If MIL turns down the invite that's her choice.

I think it’s better to stay in your own home for Christmas when you have young children. At some point it will be time for you and your husband to start your own traditions with your own family. If it’s a pub lunch with small children, that time is now...

Phone up the pub and ask them to implement a "no children under the age of 6 on Christmas Day" rule and then when DMIL tries to book they'll say no.

I think the best decision we made was to say we'd be spending Christmas at home and our parents were welcome to join us. It's too much hassle with three small children taking them anywhere. We've had parents here every year since we said that. Now the children are bigger it wouldn't matter so much but the routine has been set so it carries on.

Don't let your MIL's whim ruin your Christmas. You've been more than reasonable offering alternatives. Just do whatever is easiest for you. If they can't understand your need to do that with 1 yr old twins then that is most definitely their issue and not yours!

I don't know why the pub hasn't already got a no children under a certain age rule. The ridiculous price of a pub Christmas dinner means the last thing most diners would want is small choldren around.

As a PP said, invite them over in the afternoon for cheese and biscuits if you want to but definitely no to the pub! I've only got 1 DS at 18 months and eating out at any time, let alone Christmas Day, is a nightmare!

Thanks all.

I have been trying to find middle ground as I prefer to have other people involved in Christmas. We never had people round or went anywhere when I was little and it felt like another normal day.

My DDs are lucky enough to have all their GPs (and adore them) so I do like for them to see them at Christmas, which is why I didn't want to give a flat out no.

Have told DH to offer for them to come to us again but if they refuse then we will just see them Boxing Day or early morning before lunch.

“Phone up the pub and ask them to implement a "no children under the age of 6 on Christmas Day" rule and then when DMIL tries to book they'll say no”

Er, pass the responsibility on to a pub which involves them limiting their custom because two grown ups can’t say a simple direct but polite ‘no’ to an arrangement that, for good reasons, doesn’t suit them?

In the pub’s shoes I would be stifling my laughter or retrieving my eyebrows from the ceiling and saying “that’s fine if you make a booking for 10 adults and pay a £400 non returnable deposit by the end of the week “.

YANBU. I have an identical family setup. You’d be mad to even consider it

YANBU, I think that the best place for DC those ages, would be at home with their new toys. Far more relaxing for everyone involved!

You need to tell MIL that going out doesn't work for you with 3 young DC, and that you will be cooking at home, they are welcome to join you, but if she would prefer to eat lunch out and come to yours after then that is fine too.

Just stand firm that you will be cooking and eating at home yourselves no matter what she does, but they are welcome to join you.

which is why I didn't want to give a flat out no. but you didn’t, you gave her 3 alternatives. Don’t be messing about getting her to come for a meal with you, etc.

Just get DH to say ‘we don’t want to do a meal in the pub mum but we would love you either for dinner or afterwards. Just let us know by X date so we can sort out food, etc’. No drama, no pandering to her, just be matter of fact and polite about it. If she chooses to huff/sulk/not see you on Christmas Day then that’s her decision.

I only have one two year old and Christmas lunch in a pub would be my idea of hell. It would presumably be 3 drawn out courses. Aghhhh. Definitely do not give in and go.

Offer again to host them but make it clear you will not be going to a pub for hours of hell.

We never had people round or went anywhere when I was little and it felt like another normal day.

My DDs are lucky enough to have all their GPs (and adore them) so I do like for them to see them at Christmas, which is why I didn't want to give a flat out no.

Totally understand all this - we always had big family Christmases with all-comers and the idea of a nuclear family Christmas just us and the DC would not feel right to me. Regardless, though, I wouldn't be going out to a pub lunch if it was completely impractical, which it is. With older kids and teens it could be a real treat. It's just in no way a treat at this stage in your life, and your MIL needs to respect that.

Invite them for a fab early breakfast with fizz, or a later buffet and tea and Christmas cake, or go to your parents if you'd prefer. You have extended the invitation, if she declines that's up to her, in the same way that she has extended the invitation to you and if you decline, that's up to you.

You're not denying your DC time with the GPs, you're just being realistic about what would be a better occasion for all concerned.

Personally I can't think of anything worse for Christmas eating choices than eating out at a pub restaurant with a 4 year old desperate to get back to her now toys and 2 babies just turned one. That's you and your DP feeding a baby each then trying to keep them entertained with whoever trying to entertain an increasingly impatient 4 year on what is the long awaited most important day of the year for her. Not relaxing for your little family, the in laws or anyone eating near you. An expensive meal ruined for everybody.

You say you don't want to disappoint MIL who does a lot for you. That is thoughtful of you. I don't know how near they live but would a compromise be you inviting them around for say 10.30 xmas morning? You and DP would have witnessed the kid's first excitement in peace. MIL can bring her presents and see the children open them at a nice time of day when they are not tired. Could make it earlier and have a bacon buttie breakfast with them or later 11.30 ish and have a prosecco with them before waving them off to the pub.

I can understand that you’d like to be around family otherwise it’s a normal day. So I’d emphasise how much you’d love to have her company (at home).

To put them in a high chair for that length of time (as everyone will want to spend longer over dinner) and also have to amuse the 4 yo is completely ridiculous! Sorry but let them be kids, crawl/run around, 4 yo will be over-excited anyway (and so they should be!) Having had twins myself that sounds an awful and stressful experience for everyone - including the kids!

Why not stay at home, have your own Xmas, you do dinner whe with OH- make it relaxed, eat when you want, lots of nice nibbles... kids an can run riot, be in garden, not be constrained.... much easier to for everyone. Just say "We've decided to be at home this year. Enjoy your Xmas MIL" By the way - please dont' fall into the horrid trap of one year we do X and another year do Y, repeat.... unless you REALLY want to!

lol I also love the people who can't wait to tell you that they have four sets of triplets all under the age of 4 and they can take them to formal restaurants for 8 course meals with no problem because they've taught them to behave at the table. For what it's worth my youngest has always been able to behave at the table. She's just let energetic than my elder child who wouldn't sit through a meal until he was about 4.