To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to.

Seriously this is your problem. You (or really your DH) need to be much clearer in communicating your wishes, instead of vacillating and giving the impression you aren't sure.

'No, we aren't going to a pub. We are going to my parents/staying at home. If you change your mind and wish to come to us, please let us know by...."

Our two little ones are a bit older than yours- home is soooo much easier at that age.

Another who thinks this is the perfect opportunity to break the cycle. Would you like to have a Christmas at home?

We broke the cycle when DS was young, it made us a little unpopular to start with but everyone got over it. Now we have a think about what kind of Christmas we want each year and plan accordingly, making sure we see all the family at some point over the Christmas period if not on the day itself.

Not only is this quite frankly one of the worst ideas ever.

It is also your twins first Christmas, YOU decide where and what you’re doing with your DH. No one else gets a say.

You regularly take out 15 month old twins, a two year old and a four year old? Well they must be unicorn children, that’s all I can say.

I can't understand how this wasn't settled during the first conversation. She suggested she'd like to go out and you or your DH put forward your reasons for why that wouldn't work. You then proposed several alternatives to which she flat out said no.
How did you end up agreeing to go and also come away still thinking she's a lovely woman?

From your DH:

Mum, we’ve been thinking and thinking of what to suggest about Christmas because I know you really want to eat out on Christmas Day but it’s just not an option for us with the DC this year. So we’ll stay at home and be having lunch here - when would you like to come over, in the morning before lunch, or the afternoon? You’re more than welcome to join us for the whole day of course, you know that, but we won’t be offended if you’d rather have lunch out at the restaurant.

Take back the power and decision-making. Say YOU won’t be offended if SHE doesn’t want to spend it with you... then she can’t claim to be offended the other way round.

Good luck.

Dear MIL, I do not wish to spend my Christmas lunch in the car park because my twins are too unhappy being in the pub therefore which of the other options do you prefer? Alternatively, we will do our own thing and you can go to the pub without us.

Have you had any more conversations OP?

Do you know why she's so set on the idea? Can understand her not wanting to cook but why is she so set against all your alternative ideas.

But her idea is terrible. Most of the other people in the pub will probably have paid for their expensive meal so they can avoid having to deal with family hassle and noise; along with all your other stresses you'll be dealing with people glowering and tutting at you as well!

NoSquirrels

Genius.

OP go with that!

I agree with pp, your problem lies that you are trying to negotiate this.
If you don’t want to go, quite understandably, then state that to her.

YANBU that is my idea of a shit Christmas day. If she can't understand why you don't want to do that then she's being very selfish. Stay in your home and have the Christmas day you want.

Don't do it, it'll be an absolute nightmare.

You've given plenty of options to include MIL. Go to your parents and leave MIL to do her own thing.

Stay home. Stay home every year until the kids are all grown up. You matter too.

There's a snowball's chance in hell I'd be taking one young child to eat out on Christmas day, let alone three.

Stand up for yourselves.

Absolutely fuck that. Hell bent on the pub even though she's seen for herself that doesn't suit the family. NO

Another one voting for you to start your own stay at home tradition. You can always change at a later date. You have three DC's under four and Christmas lunch drags on far too long usually for them.

I instigated a 'no travelling' when DC came along, and we have only had visitors three times. MIL came twice and my folks once, they prefer to go abroad

That's 34 years minus three of peacefull Christmas's

No way on earth would I even consider her plan. You would be mad to even consider it. Hopefully your dh is on side. She can book it all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to go. Good luck

It's an invitation from MIL to join her for lunch out rather than in her home.

It simply needs to be declined.

No stay at home.he 4 yo will be just getting in to the excitement for Christmas.

When my kids where smaller i stayed home,my kids needs came first.And we did our own traditions.Im a gm now,so whatever my ds and gf decide to do.Thatsf ine by me.

You’ve given her a list of reasonable alternatives, none of which she wants to do. Well then it doesn’t mean that instead you do things her way or nothing. She doesn’t want to compromise so let her get on with it. Her suggestion doesn’t suit you either and your suggestions are all compromises she is unwilling to take.

it shouldn’t be a case of she refuses to compromise so the only alternative is to do what she wants. Um....nope. If she flat out refuses to do anything else, well tough.

Yanbu! I'd say that if she wants to eat out that's fine but you'll stay at home for food then meet up with them in the afternoon. I don't much like going out for Christmas lunch anyway but throw in small children and it's a nightmare!

Take your Christmas back! Be firm as NoSquirrels has said. The 5 of you are a family, this is your opportunity to make your Christmas be what you want, that includes being happy and relaxed. Invite them round after lunch of that works for you.

Let IL's take both kids out for lunch by themselves, problem solved once they become their problem.

Normally I disagree (ok, actually hate!) the whole you have your own little family now, it's your Christmas just do what you want and to hell with anybody else, but this is just insane!

She clearly has not thought this through, get your DH to very honestly explain your point of you, and if she still insists than tough, she is being selfish and can go on her own!

Say no. And say from now on you will be celebrating christmas at home so the dc get to enjoy traditions in your family. Everyone welcome.

Don’t forget it’s your Christmas too and you would be perfectly reasonable to say no, that doesn’t work for us.