To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

The PP who said about establishing yourself as a matriarch is right. It sounds a bit nature documentary-y but I’ve found the internal mantra ‘I’m the mother now’ gets me through all manner of family situations.
You’ve said no, you’ve explained why, you’ve politely offered alternatives. So now just plan your dream Xmas at home, what are the in laws going to do, come by and bundle you into a taxi?!

Quite aside from how it's going to be stressy and awful for you, it's also going to be stressy and awful for the other people in the pub who have paid £££ for their stress-free Christmas lunch. You can't help but notice miserable toddlers at the next table who are having a winge.

I think the idea of a practice pub lunch fairly soon is a good one - but you'll need to make sure it truly is hell on earth so MIL gets the point that it's not fun. Make sure all the kids are a bit over tired before you get there.

I would start your own family Xmas this year. Children prefer to be at home on Xmas day anyway to play with their presents. Let MIL do what she wants.

I wouldn’t do this with my 18 month old and 4 year old. YANBU. Say no!

Srsly, I roared with laughter about your DM having to have a stress-induced lie down after going out for lunch! She probably won't suggest it again until your kids are into double figures.

We're very lucky, DP's GDD loves her food so doesn't fuck about at meals. At 2.5 she sat through a 3-course pub lunch, and ate her meal, then played with her cousins in the garden. She was far better behaved than her 7 & 9 year old cousins who behaved with less decorum than the average zoo animal. (Should say, she's not a saint and can be a absolute little madam when it comes to other things, but she regards food and the eating thereof as a serious business.)

YANBU, OP, and I think your MIL is being awkward. Do your own thing.

Christmas is supposed to be fun, but all the pressure and manipulation that goes on around it can make it anything but. That's why we stay home, slob about and have a lovely meal on our own. No disapproving looks when if we get a bit pissed, we can undo our clothes to allow for expansion and fart off the sprouts with gay abandon.

We host on one of the days between Christmas and New Year, so the family can help clear the leftovers.

Yanbu. This is your Christmas and if it's going to be miserable, you have to say so.

Other suggestions ... How many of you are there going to be? If lots, could you get a private room in a pub? Then you could set up a play area in the corner.

In her defence, I can see that she probably doesn't feel comfortable asking you to cook - sounds like you've got enough on your plate! And I don't think it's unreasonable that she'd like to spend Christmas with her own family. Could you maybe suggest one of those companies that delivers Christmas dinner ready-cooked? If you could find a good quality one, that might be a good compromise. Are pubs on deliveroo?

I agree with pp that something like "This sounds like a great idea and we'd love to do it, but not this year." is a good line.

I read this as 10 at first and was thinking, what's the big deal? But there is not a chance in all the hells I would take twin babies out for a long Christmas lunch, for everyone around me to have a delicious dinner and a few drinks whilst I either chased two kids round the floor or attempted to get them to stay in their high chairs for four hours. Nope.

Don't go for a 'test meal' in case it goes perfectly! There's a massive difference between a random relaxed meal in November and a big production three course Christmas meal with hyped up children. You don't have to change her mind, all you have to do is make your own mind up.

Everybody, literally everybody, 'changes over' at some point so that they are the hosts of Christmas. It's always when the children are around. FGS you have TWINS. Do what you know will work better for your family. You also have a right to look forward to Christmas rather than dread it and finish up saying 'well we got through it OK this time'.

Does she feel guilty at not hosting and wants to make it up by paying for everyone to go to the pub? Maybe she just wants a Christmas without the hassle (even if someone else cooks you still have to pitch in clearing up etc).

Can you suggest a pub with a nice little indoor play area?

Definitely don't do this. Beyond stressful for you and unpleasant. I have an almost two year old and it depends on which way the wind is blowing as to whether he plays up or not, trying to do it with another toddler and an older child (who has been dragged away from toys at Christmas) to sit for hours while grown ups chat? Absolutely not.

Her desires are madness. £150 and stress when the kids will happily play together for the most part at home. Perhaps you could reconsider going out for lunch in 4 years time if she wants to pay.

Unfortunately having has to do this with my mother I agree with establishing yourself as the matriarch now. Rubbish that people can’t just “get it” but that’s the way it is.

If she knows how difficult it is for you and is still insisting on the pub for everyone despite all the options you've given her, then she is not as lovely as you think she is and you should have no qualms about doing what's best for you and dc. They have the option to join you.

The thought of going for a pub lunch with my 17 month old fills me with horror and that’s without other little ones to manage. He sits in the high chair nicely for a maximum of 10 minutes then wants to run around everywhere. It would be a huge waste of money and massively stressful. No way I’d agree to this

No way. We visited my dm the Christmas my twins were 13 months old and honestly I was ready to leave after ten minutes as they went around pulling all the Christmas decorations and everything else they could reach. Luckily, my dm saw sense and agreed that we do a quick house proof but you can't do that in a pub.

I agree with others, time to break the alternate Christmas cycle. I had to throw that particular cat amongst the pigeons when mine were small, which caused a minor earthquake but nobody died. As a MIL myself now, at Christmas I always say to my DCs 'do whatever you want to do', which in my opinion is what any normal person should say. Also if they haven't booked anywhere yet I think they'll find all the good places are booked up by now.

Absolutely no way! YANBU.
I second pp's idea to take MIL out for lunch with all 3 DCs before Christmas so she can see how it is.
It'd be a complete waste of money for you all not to mention not enjoyable and super stressful.
I'd stay at home and start your Christmas traditions from now!
Good luck

No way would I agree to that. I have one 3 year old and she would be hard enough on her own.

No way in hell.

Our twins were 3 months old a couple of christmases ago - my sister and bil came to stay and did all the cooking as looking after them both was so much work.

Taking them out for a meal at that age was just so stressful - only did it a couple of times and it was a nightmare. You won’t be able to eat or relax.

Just tell her no. It’s not all about her.

Just no.

I have DD 3y10 m and twins aged 9 mos so v similar to you OP. They are easy kids and we cope fine but by gumbo, I would not be taking them out for a pub lunch at Xmas.

Just don't entertain this nonsense. No practice meals, no apologies. Just "you've certainly earned Xmas in a pub after all your years of cooking and hosting MIL! But we are just at a different stage with the babies and it will be too stressy for us. Shall we make plans for Boxing Day?"

I never understood why people lug young children round to various relatives house on Christmas day, stuff of nightmares. When my siblings and I kids were young we all did our own thing.

Times change and it is just a logistical nightmare to do the alternate Christmases with young children than before when you are childless.

We have done the big family Christmases more recently but thats because all the young children are now teenagers / young adults so much more simpler.

DH and I have explained why we don't want to do it

This is where you've gone wrong - just say that you aren't doing it, not that you don't want to do it. That leaves no room for argument, then explain your reasons and come up with an alternative

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA YADNBU. Are they mad?? It would not be restful or enjoyable in the slightest for you.

My dad had a landmark birthday family lunch in a pub when my twins were 8 months old. It was awful. They were like mini-grenades I had to keep throwing myself on. Not only did I not enjoy the lunch, it was hugely stressful and I didn't get to talk to anyone.

Cooking a full Christmas dinner at home 3 times in 5 days was quite relaxing by comparison.

Your Christmas matters too, OP, and there will be loads of Christmases in the future when your twins can sit nicely and participate in the witty repartee as they politely serve up roast potatoes to admiring relatives. The plan needs to work for you.

Could you take mil out for Sunday lunch so she can see for herself how it wouldn’t work? We had similar with in-laws who insist on us going out for a meal when we visit, it’s such hard work with twins because neither of us can get on and eat our meal as both demand attention. But our in-laws couldn’t understand this until they saw it for themselves.

Sounds way too stressful. Use the opportunity to start doing things your way.
My mum dominated our Christmases for years. Until she did something similar which I pounced on to break free and do things our way. Cue major tantrum, sulking and tears from mum about how we had ruined her Christmas. However we stuck with it and had the best Christmases from then on. She has never been to ours on Christmas Day so we just have ILS.

I'm slightly wondering if this is MILs way of sending the message that she doesn't necessarily want to keep the alternate Xmas thing going? Being so adamant that this is the only acceptable option for Christmas dinner, despite the very obvious (to anyone who knows children of that age) fact that it's really not a suitable option for you, makes me think she might be hoping you and DH decide to do your own thing and leave them to have a quieter/grown ups only Christmas.

Whatever it is I'd stop making suggestions and just tell her you won't be joining them. Either make plans with your side of the family or better still, take the opportunity to break the habit and have a lovely Christmas in your own home.