To not want to take almost 1YO twins to Xmas lunch in a pub

[Buildalegohouse]

DH and I have always alternated spending Xmas lunch with each of our sets of parents. This year we are due to spend it with his but MIL has decided she doesn't want to cook. That's fine, not a problem.

We have offered to host them (which we offer every year). no, she doesn't want to do that.

We have offered to go to my parents so they can go to the pub. No, she doesn't want to do that.

We have invited them to join us at my parents' house. Nope.

She wants to go to a pub and flat out refuses to accept any other suggestions.
I'm not against the notion of Xmas lunch in a pub, although I have never done it before, but the thought of taking my 4YO and twins (who will be 2 weeks from turning 1) fills me with dread.

We have tried taking them out for meals a number of times and it invariably ends up with DH and I trying to contain a wriggling, grumpy child each, eating with one hand or one of us missing the meal entirely to push DTs around the car park in the pram.

They will sit for a maximum of about 20 minutes in a high chair while they eat and then DH and I will have to spend 2 hours stopping them from trying to escape. At home they could toddle off and do their own thing.

WIBU to say no to this?

If not, please help me think of a suggestion MiL will agree to. She's generally lovely and does a lot for us and I don't want to upset her but I really don't want to do this.

No.Time to start having Christmas at home with your own young family.

I’d say that you’ve all decided to have Christmas at home this year and they are more than welcome to join you. You don’t need to explain or plead. YANBU.

I think you have offered plenty of alternative options. You need to do what makes your family happy and clearly going to a pub isn't it.
Don't give in, don't regret your Christmas. X

Break the cycle....stop alternating.
We used to do that, including hosting at ours. Our girls are now 5 and 2 and we have said that we are now staying at home for Christmas for the foreseeable future...we don’t want the hassle of carting presents around, not being able to slob out in our pjs and play games all day.
This year we are even having Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve and nibbles all day in Christmas Day just so that it’s super relaxed and we spend the day together.
We are really close with our parents but they totally understand and we just see them around Christmas. It’s no big deal.

(And no... there is NO WAY I’d be able to relax with a 4 yr and 1 yr old twins in restaurant!)

Just tell her you can’t go. I didn’t think there’s any need for people to say she is mad though, some kids are fine going out for meals.

Fucking Hell that sounds like a hideous plan.

Yep, just say no. When I had my twins my older dc was only 2. Wasnt so bad when they were very small as they mostly just slept, but between the ages of 9 months - 3 years we never took them to any restaurant. Other than McDonalds occasionally. It was a nightmare. They would wriggle, try to run around, make a mess. It’s just not the age for them to be sitting nicely at the table. The one time we had to for Father’s Day, it ended with all of us being stressed running around trying to contain them. Me and dh didn’t even get to eat! Don’t do it! Stay st home and do tour own family Christmas

Umbongo do you have twins?

Last year, myself and a group of twin mums went for lunch with our twins. We picked a Wetherspoons that’s full of families in the day so it would be manageable. 7 mums, 14 kids from 10-16 months.

I can tell you, not one of them was “fine” at age. It’s maybe feasible if you have one kid but you’ll have an awful time trying to keep them quiet, trying to climb out of their high chair while screeching, pulling cutlery off the table, reaching for breakable plates etc.

Now imagine two of those. Once twins get out of the newborn sleepy phase it’s hell taking them anywhere where they need to sit in a buggy or high chair, until they’re much older and more aware and able to regulate their behaviour.

MIL doesn't want to cook.

So there's no option to go there.

Doesn't mean you have to fall in with whatever she wants to do.

Also agree it's about time to stop the alternating & having your own Christmases/doing some hosting.

I've been out for Christmas lunch once.

The kids were 11months & almost 3 & their behaviour was fine, but I just prefer being at a home iyswim.

I have twin nieces that i regularly take out with my 4 and 2 year old.
All the kids in our family are very used to going out though. We tend to go out once a week for dinner since newborn. Nieces are 15 months.

She seems very good at saying no.
She’s not the only person who can say no.

“For us, The pub Christmas Lunch is an idea to save for when the babies are older, not this year. It would be very stressful with the kids, so we’ll make other plans. You are still very welcome at ours, of course, if we stay at home. Can you let us know by about Mid November?”

You both need to grow a backbone (well your dh really) and day you're NOT doing it. Time to start your own traditions, we just stay at home now but make grandparents welcome if they want to come. Or offer to pop round to your MIL later in the day.

I wouldn't even make a promise for when they're older tbh.

Just no thank you, you'll ake your own arrangements this year.

That would be hellish. Don't let yourself be bullied into it. It would be a miserable Christmas.

I agree that you should stop alternating and have Christmas in your own home. Whether you decide to invite others is up to you.

Genuine question though, for all of you who have stopped alternating and are having Christmas Day at home with just your partner and kids, do you miss the company and things you used to do with your relatives? We used to play board games and have too much wine and had a great time, and the first Christmas we stayed home with our kids was great, stress free, but also felt like a little something was missing.

Yanbu

Stay at home and invite who you like but stop this alternating now! You have your own family to think of now.

Noooooooo!

Definitely time to instigate “Christmas Day at Ours” as the only option for the next few years at least. I think there’s nothing worse than dragging young children away from their presents just to go and have lunch at Aunt Maud’s or whoever.

My friend has got herself into just this trap, she has to drag her two kids (6 and 4) to her MIL or her MILs sister’s house every year. Her “D”H won’t even contemplate the idea of not having Christmas like this. Unfortunately my friend’s parents re both deceased so she can’t even suggest alternating. Her kids get upset at not being able to play with all their presents and MIL insists that Christmas dinner can only be served at 3pm (so kids are either starving or too stuffed with crap given by relatives). Of course it’s all left to my friend to deal with the overtired, over sugared kids while her MIL tuts at their behaviour and her DH drinks another beer.

Even as they get older your dc will prefer to be at home. It’s nicer for them, people can join you instead.

Just NO. It's batshit crazy to think of taking even a 4-year-old to a pub Christmas lunch, never mind a baby, and you have twins?

Start having Christmas at home, it's so stressful going somewhere else when you have small children.

You go to DMIL. She takes the twins to the pub. You stay at home in bed eating Christmas chocolate.
Everyone's a winner.

I think it would be hell with just one 1 year old, but with twins and a four year old, no way! Personally I don't think it's fair on the children to expect them to sit for what will probably be at least 2 hours on Christmas Day. Your mil is being very unreasonable.

I have been in your situation in that I have an older Dd and twins who are three years younger. When they were small like yours are now I was stressed enough without trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations from anyone else.

Eating out at that age was very rare. We did try occasionally if it could be quick and if it was one of those family oriented pubs. My dc were admittedly pretty good, but my stress levels were always ramped right up. A long leisurely Christmas meal out would never have worked.

Come up with the arrangement that suits you best. Invite her to join you in that or not. If she starts saying no or insisting on something else stick to your guns like glue. No one gets to steer the ship other than you in this. You say she’s nice but how she can’t see what you’re dealing with here is astounding if she is a regular in your day to day life.

For a while all I could manage was just us at home at Christmas and grandparents popping in for a while but not to stay. If people want more from you given what you already have on your plate, I’m afraid they’re not the friend they make out to be.

It wouldn’t have worked for us at that age because of nap times. At 1 we’d just moved to one nap and my little one would have been zonked by 12. I’d only do a pub lunch now with my 2 year old if we could be eating by 12 and get her to sleep before 2 otherwise everyone would have a miserable time.