To think if you are invited for Christmas...

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

I really don't get the stupid can't RYFT not understand plain English that some silly awlt absorbed posters don't get. You so your thing and LET others (the majority!) so their thing.

I'm ordering my Xmas joints in next week for Xmas and I'm only 10 for Xmas lunch and my mum said straight away when i chased her to find out if she wanted to join us and what meat she and dad would prefer.

As that's the notice our local butcher requires for Xmas!

*do, not so.

Sorry girls, I typed that sooooo fast and meant 'self absorbed' and where I appear to write 'so' , it was phone autocorrect from 'do'

It just really annoys me when people lack the ability to understand others lives, that may be different to theirs. Even when explained. Awfully dense really.

Obvs I meant
And no it's not unreasonable to ask for a reply in Nov (IF!! -added extra that I missed!) that's when you order your Xmas food!

Feel your pain, my fam are notorious for faffing and last min decisions it drives me nuts trying to plan anything in advance never mind the annual turkey pre-order as well!

Is there any way you can get her and SIL in same room together and ask the question then in person? Just be blunt and say i want to put my turkey order in (dont make excuses as to why, you dont need to). Dont give the option of ‘not sure’ just ask for a yes, or say a no will be assumed and you wont be offended by this so ‘please dont worry MIL’! There are certain people who you have to be blunt with or you will be messed around till D-day sadly and from what youve said she is one of them. Good luck.

And god no dont get into inviting everyone and their granny or you’ll end up doing it every year after. Christmas dinner can be expensive never mind stressful when everyone wants potatoes done a certain way, sodding glazed parsnips, trifle, profiteroles and the like and then sit there passing remarks or watching tv specials whilst you slave away trying to footer about with giblets and custard (hopefully not together...). As kids grow up most take turns to host their parents as extended families simply dont fit round most folks 4/6 seater tables. If you insist on whole extended clan being together then go out for one of those set menu deals in a restaurant to take pressure off.

Christmas does bring out the people who are offended if you think it requires prep or effort before 20th December.

Pretend it's not Christmas, but some other general invite - if someone has invited you to something - regardless of what it is - and has chased you a couple of times for an answer (so you've had your first chance to say "just need to check the calendar"), you should reply yes or no, not keep them hanging on waiting just in case you get a better offer elsewhere.

It's rude not to reply because you want to keep them hanging on as a plan B, regardless of it being Christmas or not.

Also, are posters genuinely saying if they were invited for Christmas day in October/November they would refuse to say yes or no because they think it's too early to plan Christmas?

If so, be honest and say "don't invite me now, I can't plan that far ahead. If you need to know numbers now, assume I'm a no because I can't commit that far in advance. I don't mind missing out because I won't do anything Christmas related this early."

While you aren't wrong to not want to plan this far ahead, you are wrong if you won't let people know who've invited you to something. Assume you are also the annoying people who when invited to weddings 8 weeks before, leave it until the week of the wedding to say yes or no, and the ones trying to book holiday leave in July for August, annoyed your colleagues have got their requests in and approved first....

Yes, she is being unreasonable. However you have to find a way to manage this set of circumstances without your anxiety going into over drive.

Since you like certainly and planning, I suggest you plan for the different eventualities of her coming and not coming.

1. Buy a turkey big enough to feed everyone you've invited. Assume they are all coming.

2. Back up plan is that you freeze the left overs if they don't turn up. Lovely, a batch cooked meal for your family at a later date.

3. Possible compromise is that you invite other family members for drinks and mince pies/other nibbles later in the evening. An informal party where you don't have to seat everyone to eat.

Loving the irony of calling us silly, self absorbed and not able to understand people who do things differently. The people that are saying the Op is unreasonable are the ones who can be flexible over Christmas - accommodating in other words.

The difference with Christmas is everyone is doing it. It's a bit like a house chain - where you go depends on where everyone else goes. There's no good reason why you can't just buy a bigger joint/ bird etc to fit in one more.

So what happens if MIL says no because she can't give a definite yes, and it ends up that the rest of the family have obligations elsewhere? Just going to leave her on her own?

Why would she be on her own Bluevelvet ? She has a partner she will be with regardless. And if she says no to our invitation, why would I then feel bad? .

I think the assumption is that because she’s a MIL that she’s a frail old lady who needs taking care of. She’s not. She’s a woman in her fifties, has an active social life every weekend, is in a LTR with someone for nearly 20 years now and I’ve known for around the same amount of time. She’s not a dear old granny who needs taking care of because she’s frail and will be sad and lonely if she says no to us. She’s more active (socially) than I am!

No one said she's a frail old lady. If you don't think her and her husband would mind doing Christmas on their own then there's no problem is there?
It sounds like you invited them to be diplomatic.. So just tell them that plans have changed, you are having a quiet one and you hope they have a lovely Christmas. They won't mind as they were obviously dithering and happy to do something else.
Then you can just buy your turkey. No need for further discussion.

Sorry " partner "not husband.

Why is this still being dragged out. Get your OH to ring her today and if she can't give you an answer simply say you'll take it as a no so you can now order your Christmas bird.

Good lord. So you’re not willing to organise them, you’re not willing to prepare as if they’re coming nor are you willing to prepare as if they’re not. What exactly ARE you prepared to do OP?! Because currently it just seems as though you’re just enjoying whinging about it without actually DOING anything

Well, @NoParticularPattern, Perhaps you've read a different threads to rest of us.

I think OP
@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat
quite clearly said she was prepared to do!! Which was host her MIL & SPIL for Xmas dinner, hence her invite to them! 🤨

Her OP is quite clear that they've chased MIL to get answer either way, so she could order food and supplies in, as she does this by a date that's now passed. Her frustration was that MIL refused to say yes or no, and she was left in awkward position of effectively withdrawing invite. I'm sure OP has dealt with it now.