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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you are invited for Christmas...

215 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/11/2018 19:47

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 02/11/2018 07:48

Wow, now I am worrying if I'm rude! I have told my mum I don't know yet if I'm coming for Christmas as I might go on holiday, I just haven't had time to look at flights or think about it and will do so in the next few weeks.

I don't think people need to be pinned down yet.

Cornishclio · 02/11/2018 07:48

I don't suffer with anxiety but do like to be organised so I can understand why you are annoyed and MIL is being rude keeping her options open. The time to have said something was when she asked if she could let you know. You should have said that you like to be organised and would rather know now especially if she does not have work shifts to work around. Keeping her options open in case someone else invites her is not on.

You certainly should not be expected to host the whole clan if you don't have space and don't want to. I think I would assume she is not coming but going to SIL instead and make your arrangements accordingly. That way if she turns round 2 days before Christmas and says she is coming to you you say you assumed she was going elsewhere as she had not replied to your invite and SIL has given you impression she was going to them. Puts the onus back on her.

Personally though as most people over cater at Christmas adding two more last minute would not be a major issue.

Chocolaterainbows · 02/11/2018 07:52

I can't believe you are still getting a hard time here Op.

It's not about a couple of extra spuds ffs. It's about the arrogance of family thinking they can leave you hanging.

It is soooooooo rude. And all those posters moaning at the Op and saying it's all or nothing, that she should invite the sil and family too, bugger off. I bet that you are just the sorts of people that don't host Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot Angry

ferrier · 02/11/2018 07:53

Good Lord. I also do the hosting and I'm lucky if I get an answer by the beginning of December.
Your MIL probably doesn't want your sil's family to be on their own unless they choose to be so she's waiting on what they decide.

Chocolaterainbows · 02/11/2018 07:56

If the Mil is that concerned about sil and family then she can host and invite them.

Sweetpea55 · 02/11/2018 07:57

If she cant make her mind up then make it up for her.

DancingForTheDog · 02/11/2018 08:03

Just buy a slightly bigger turkey - there's always plenty left over anyway. I'm never 100% sure how many will arrive on Christmas day - a full house is 11, but it varies depending on who's ill on the day (elderly parents, PILs), whose dog is too poorly to be left (sister), who gets a better offer (nephew) etc. It's best for the host not to get too wound up about it. I'm pretty sure my nephew will get a better offer this year but at the moment he's adamant he's coming.

EnglishRose13 · 02/11/2018 08:06

Loads of weird responses on this thread.

It's incredibly rude to leave you hanging. Ask your husband to tell her you need to know why the weekend.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/11/2018 08:09

I’d do what pp said OP, get your dh to tell your MIL that you’ve heard MIL is spending the day with SIL so you’ll see her after Xmas. Hah!

I’m like you op I need to know now who’s coming to us for Xmas or if we’re going to them. Xmas isn’t a festival I celebrate usually but IL’s do. In order to ensure I do it properly I need to know who is coming so I can make a list of food I will need to make/have in. I need to sort house out so here’s sleeping space for everyone and I’ve got stockings for everyone and crackers and everything.
Lucky for my my IL’s are a lot more thoughtful and happy to let me know (last month) they’ll be coming to me and have helped menu plan.

Id be an utter gibberish wreck if people turned up at mine with no warning on Xmas day! We do need to order our turkey way in advance too.

TheStopAndChat · 02/11/2018 08:38

I’d just like a simple yes or no
Then fucking ASK!

spare the very first post and my answer tells you we (Dh) have
To be fair, it doesn't. It says you asked her and she said she'd let you know. Nowhere does it say you followed that up with a request for a firm yes or no.

It's almost like you enjoy wallowing in the drama of the whole non-issue...

Skittlesandbeer · 02/11/2018 08:40

OP, I stand with you.

Everyone in the extended family knows I put on a ‘proper’ Christmas. I like to put thought and care into it. I ask everyone to bring a dish that means ‘christmas’ to them, while I get the special meats, sides etc. I pick drinks based on everyone’s preferences. I organise a kind of Kris Kringle of adult presents, with a seperate strategy for the kids. I pick music and a decoration theme designed to entertain. I like to anticipate how fun it’ll be, and so do my kids. It takes 8 weeks at least to organise (long lead time for internet purchases where we live). Specialty meats (and actually even some veg) require ordering Halloween week.

Anyone prevaricating about coming to mine on the 25th Dec is making sooooo many things more difficult and unpleasant for me, and my kids.
Basically, all they need to do is pull on a frock and bloody rsvp. While I’ve got 8 weeks of festive chaos. Is it so hard?

I’ll make you feel better, OP. I just found out today, through another relative, that my SIL has just booked herself, DB and their newborn on a holiday over Xmas/new year. After letting me babble on about how lovely this year’s Christmas will be with them here on a long phone call yesterday. And after confirming that her parents & sibs would love to come to mine as well. So she’s offloaded her family on me, and not bothered to own up she won’t be there. Leaving me with a full table, and only one blood relative coming over!

Sorry but we hosts are hardly the CFs, though they do come out of the woodwork at Christmas!

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 02/11/2018 08:52

^ Shock ^

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 08:59

I think people have forgotten the point of Christmas. It's meant to be about getting together, eating and having a laugh. All this stress and anxiety and everything having to be perfect - it is totally absurd. I wouldn't be keen to say yes to you either to be honest - I prefer to hang out with people who don't make me feel like a burden. And I really cannot understand people who don't invite the whole family, as long as they all get on ok. I've had 15 people squashed into a studio apartment one year - it was messy and crowded but it was really lovely and everyone had a laugh.

skittles your idea of a 'proper' Christmas sounds like hell to me. Everything so stage-managed and like in a magazine...it just smacks of wanting praise and for everyone to comment on how lovely and perfect and wonderful you are. Not everyone wants to be invited to someone else's instaworthy look-at-my speciality meats-based celebration. Some people just want to chill on a nice day off.

Personally, even if someone showed up on Christmas morning, I'd invite them in. Why not?

As soon as we let go of all of our expectations of what 'should' be and stop clinging to perfectionist ideals, we become happier.

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 09:02

thestop exactly. I feel like some people just want to paint themselves as a victim, or eternally at the whims of other people.

You can't change other people, you don't know the reasons for their responses to you - all you can do is change your response.

And having anxiety doesn't change that. I have anxiety too, but part of learning to live with it is realising that I can't always blame other people for how I feel in response to how they act. People have their own reasons for doing things - maybe the MIL has anxiety too and doesn't want to say yes or no because she doesn't know how she'll feel on the day.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 02/11/2018 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/11/2018 09:28

There are a few posters on here who don't seem to believe that other people won't give a direct response to a direct question!

The OP has invited her MIL directly. She has asked again for an answer if MIL is coming. Her DH has asked his sister if she's going to host their Mum instead.

Stop posting "just ask!" as if the OP hasn't done that. It's so frustrating that you don't believe she has really asked for an answer, rather than believe the MIL refused to give a definate "yes" or "no".

customerservicenightmare · 02/11/2018 09:30

Make the invitation more formal with a "need to know by...date" and hold to that. Next year will be easier if you take control this year.

MrDonut · 02/11/2018 09:33

The OP said before that her husband spoke to SIL who hinted that she would like to come for Christmas. The OP didn’t say whether she told her SIL that this wouldn’t be possible, so I think that’s a good place to start.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/11/2018 09:34

Skittles - stop - call your Brother back. Say you hear they are going away and not coming for Christmas, can he confirm so you can reduce the food order? Also, you only were inviting SIL's wider family so they could be with DN on Christmas day, as he and SIL aren't coming, you assume SILs family aren't planning on coming anymore too, so can he sort that as you won't be catering for them. If he insists that his ILs would like to come to yours, do the whole tinkly laugh thing and say of course not, they would only be coming to see him, SIL and their DC, of course they won't want to come to yours without them.

Follow up with a breezy email to SIL's family along the lines of "Hi, as DB and SIL aren't coming to mine this Christmas anymore, I assume you'll be doing your own thing too. Hope you have a lovely time!"

Done.

Don't make the effort for people who take you for granted.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/11/2018 09:38

oh and OP - I do understand if you have anixity, it's harder to cope with planning a big event if other people won't commit so you can't start visualising it all - I know it's much easier if you know how things are going to be.

So to make it easier for you - I would presume they aren't coming. Make your plans on you, your DH, your DC and your parents. Get a turkey that can cope with an extra couple of people, but mainly so you have lots of left overs.

Plan without MIL & her DP, tell the DCs they are going to Aunty's house. It will be easier mentally to 'add them in' later than to feel unsettled now.

(If MIL and her DP have complex food requests, ignore this advice and plan for them coming to make your life easier, than trying to work out how to make your recipes fit their food needs at the last minute!)

Next year, only invite MIL & her DP and SIL on Boxing Day for a buffet. Much more relaxed for catering.

YouTheCat · 02/11/2018 09:46

Exactly what Ordinary Snowflake said.

Buffet on Boxing Day (or any other day convenient to you). Get your dh to tell his mother that you presume she isn't coming as she hasn't said. Definitely no invite for sil. They sound like they all just can't be arsed to cook and I don't see why you should have to sort everyone out.

driggle · 02/11/2018 09:52

YANBU. I like to be organised and yesterday I was having a flick through Good Food magazine and planning our Christmas menu. Of course I'll probably change my mind before then but it's still nice to know how many to cater for. And it's just good manners to reply to an invite, especially when you've been ask multiple times.

And only on MN would it be suggested you host somewhere bigger to accommodate people. As if in the real world you could just magic up somewhere else to be without putting someone else out or spending loads of money.

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 02/11/2018 09:56

YANBU

That said my ILS reneged on their invitation last year in order to accommodate BIL's BF's Mum and SDad. We were wtf. Luckily for us my M&D were flexible and we had a lovely day there

7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 10:00

Skittles I hope
Your going to confirm the rumour then “disinvite” them! Cheeky fuckers!

CookingGood · 02/11/2018 10:02

It’s rudeness pure and simple. I hate people dropping hints about what they want you to do for them instead of just coming out and saying it. It’s so patronising.

OP there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be organised, and it’s not to early.

I have 8 days off of work between now and Christmas Day, and that’s to organise and buy everything - presents, food, tree, decorations, not to mention sorting the house out and the annual decluttering of the kids rooms for the charity shop.
Oh to be one of those lucky people with so much free time to accommodate everyone’s last minute plan changes