To think if you are invited for Christmas...

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

My anxiety isn’t the problem, plenty of other people are asking and talking about Christmas plans now.

My dad’s side of the family are well known for this- he has an elderly, single and childless cousin who seems to take pleasure in delaying giving his answer until the very last moment. It’s a control thing, but it’s indicative of the reasons that he doesn’t have anyone else to spend the day with.

My uncle and his partner are similar, but more because they simply don’t understand the hassle and expense that hosting involves. My saint of a Mum has been putting up with it for 30+ years, and they’ll never change.

Actually if your having to budget to have a big family meal then yeah planning out who is coming to prepare yourself and your bank account INU.
We normally have asked who is coming by this time already - not everyone has vast disposable income. Last year we spent a lot of money for two people to decide the day before they were having dinner at their own house. So this year for a change will be even further downsized.

I think more people are saying it's too early to think about Christmas yet.

@Noparticularpattern

Look we all know that one or two people more isn’t going to tip the balance from single turkey breast to world’s largest turkey. That’s not really the point- I’ve got 6 people I’m still waiting on for an answer and honestly, even that number probably won’t realistically be an issue if they all do or don’t turn up.

The point here is that she knows you are wanting to be organised and instead of helping you out she is holding out for a better offer and doing your absolute head in in the process. I don’t care who turns up on Christmas Day, there will be plenty of food regardless (as long as they don’t bring the whole actual village!!) but that’s me and the way I do Christmas.

I’d be annoyed if I’d made it abundantly clear that I wanted a yes/no answer so I can get organised and someone was deliberately avoiding making that commitment. Honestly I’d just assume that she’s coming and then if she doesn’t tip up then you’ve got more leftovers!

All of this. Some people just don't get it though. It's not unreasonable to want a bloody answer - yes or no! It's not that hard.

And I agree with the OP (and some others) that it's NOT too early to start arranging Christmas. It's only just over 7 weeks FGS. Some people have very busy lifestyles and need to organise stuff way in advance.

YANBU. I too like to know what we're doing for Christmas by late Oct at the latest. I'd find it pretty rude if I invited someone and they took weeks to accept/decline. She clearly doesn't really want to accept.

Lots of people (on mumsnet) are ready and raring for Xmas. But lots of people aren't and find it a bit depressing to have to have everything organised the moment Halloween is over. I don't even know if I'm working Xmas day or not yet, and won't for another couple of weeks.. You kind of have to be able to meet in the middle sometimes. A butcher will still order you a turkey in early December. You could give them a bit longer.

We have been asking her! Did you miss that?

I'm sorry, I must have because I just can't see where you've followed up your initial invitation with a request for a final answer

My dad’s side of the family are well known for this- he has an elderly, single and childless cousin who seems to take pleasure in delaying giving his answer until the very last moment. It’s a control thing.

Yeah this ... ^

I would be taking the control though if I didn't get a reply within a couple of weeks. There would be a deadline (like I said, say the end of this weekend,) and then I would be saying she isn't coming. SHE wouldn't get to decide, and fuck me about for the next 6-7 weeks!

pippa999 some of my DC don't have their shifts yet for Christmas.

This is all so uptight.

It's just a portion of turkey - and excessive control.

How much fun is Christmas at your place pippa999? Genuine question :)

She's rude and I know just how you feel. Ask her to let you know by the end of the week otherwise you'll assume it's a no.

Also I have no idea what we are doing for Christmas this year. But if someone had invited me I would have the good grace to respond within a day or two,

That’s a bit off, goodbyestranger.

Hosting an event like Christmas is a big ask for a lot of people- my mum was cooking for 12/13 people a lot of years. It wasn’t just a case of making the turkey go round when my parents would try and make it a nice, special day for everyone they’d invited by having enough food, drink and space at the table.

I don't think anyone is saying that all people in all circumstances should know now what they're doing at Christmas. Obviously some people do have to wait for work shifts. However, that clearly isn't the case with the OP's mother in law. She's not given them an answer because she seems to be waiting for a better offer, not because she's waiting for her work shifts! Which is rude.

@Honeyroar

I don't even know if I'm working Xmas day or not yet, and won't for another couple of weeks..

@goodbyestranger

Our kids don't have their shifts yet for Christmas...

Well then if that's the case you say 'I won't get my shifts for the Christmas period til 15th to 20th of November, (for example,) so I will let you know whether I am coming Christmas day or not by the 20th November.

Just be courteous and considerate and don't keep people dangling, like you and your time is waaaaay more important than them. Keep them updated, with what is happening and let them know as soon as possible.

Thing is, the people who DO fuck people about (like the OP's MIL) are the ones who have no reason to do so, and are just doing it to be an arsehole. I am willing to bet the MIL doesn't even work, and loves the drama and stress she is causing.

Most of us know someone like this, and they LOVE the control they have over people. I have no-one like that in my life, thank God, but I have had in the past. Inconsiderate, controlling, drama-loving, me me me me me, arseholes.

I'm with you on the space issue OP, but not the food. Surely most people have more food around at Christmas than at other times and turkeys go on forever... and ever!

It is a bit grating though, I understand that. Just carry on letting your husband deal with it and if she doesn't come for Christmas Day, there's always leftovers.

@goodbyestranger

How much fun is Christmas at your place pippa999? Genuine question

You can bore off with your goading and your passive aggressive 'smiling' emoticon.

Says more about you than me.

Have an emoticon back.

🖕

Oh honestly, I hate these "it's too early to order your turkey" types - of course it's not when the Ocado slots have already been released and all booked up for Christmas week. If you leave it and need to get a big turkey, you might not be able to order one, so have to just take a risk with the size you get in the shops.

And you'll have to actually go into a supermarket a few days before Chrsitmas when it's busy and full of cross people, rather than just drink a brew at home watching Christmas telly until the nice person in a van brings it all to your house for you...

OP - It is rude to basically say to an invitation "that sounds great, but I want to wait as I might get a better offer." Accept or decline invitations, can't stand "waiting for best offer" dithering.

Maybe have Christmas somewhere that the whole family can fit? Your MIL is doing anything wrong; she's probably tying herself in knots! And 'hinting' is the polite way of not asking bluntly - hoping that something's just an oversight on the other person's part.

Thank you Pennymaudants. Yeah it was an unnecessarily rude comment from goodbyestranger

Ignoring her from now on though.

Penny I have eight DC I know all about how much work is involved in big meals.

And agree - "I can't say yet because I don't know when I'm working over Christmas, but would love to come if I can, I'll let you know as soon as I have my shift rota" = not rude.

"I can't say yet because I don't want to commit in case I get a better offer" = rude.

Maybe have Christmas somewhere that the whole family can fit?

I can’t magic up a fancy new house. This is all we’ve got!

At first I was with you thinking no one had responded and you need to place your turkey order now. Then I realised it was only your MIL which would mean a difference of two people which really wouldn’t affect the size of the turkey. Just size it on the basis she is coming and if not do something with the left overs. Ditto for any other food you are planning. Save the drama, life’s too short.