To think if you are invited for Christmas...

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

My mum does it every year - waits to see what is offered then chooses the best one

Hi mil, I know it’s a bit early this yr, but we’re ordering the turkey first thing. We haven’t heard back from you, so assume it’s a no for this year, so will order the small one. If you are coming tho, let me know before I go to bed, and I’ll order the next size up.

Then let them sort themselves out.

Can you not just buy a bigger (as in big enough for if they say yes) turkey and freeze some left over cooked meat if it doesn't get eaten?

I wouldn't be able to respond if asked for Xmas somewhere at this point. Perhaps they feel guilty having to choose between their kids?

Bit early to be getting your knickers in a twist over this! What's the rush? Might you be inviting others instead? Beauty of a roast is you can stretch it out to lots of people, as long as not everyone wants a leg.

mrdonut She hasn’t actually said that’s what she’s doing though. She’s just asked if she could let us know. We only know the rest from SIL when she spoke to DH.

What pp said. Just send her a message saying you've DONE the order and assumed she's not coming since she didn't say so, would she be interested in doing something for new years instead?

Sorry, did you say you have already you sent a text saying you’re ordering food and want to confirm numbers? If not, then I’d do that.

*perhaps they feel guilty having to choose between their kids’

All full grown adults, she’s has to ‘choose’ for years. I have no problem, and neither does DH, in her saying no.

She probably feels bad choosing between her adult kids. How big is sil's family? Is there no way to include them?

I’d tell her that you need to put the turkey order in by X and so if you don’t hear from her by X-1 day, you’ll take it that she isn’t coming, and look forward to seeing her after Christmas instead.

mrdonut She hasn’t actually said that’s what she’s doing though. She’s just asked if she could let us know. We only know the rest from SIL when she spoke to DH.

I get what you are saying, but it's all just hints and hopes at the moment. Your husband needs to lay all the cards on the table, so she can make a decision.

Crumbs what a lot of stress.

Just say you are welcome to join us and then get on with it. Why do you need to know this early?

Christmas Day is about chilling, relaxing and eating with family and friends. Why does it matter even if she tells you on Christmas Eve?

It could be worse.
My bil invited everyone to our house one year. We were the last to be told. He then wanted the Christmas meal to be at 12noon round his dc's naps (wasn't the youngest child even) and did nothing towards the meal.
Two years later he thought everyone could pay him £40 per adult when he was hosting-despite they were all coming to us for Boxing day and we'd be providing everything then.

No we’re really tight on space. SIL would be four more and then you’d all accuse me of leaving BIL out () which would be another four.

YANBU @Georgiethegorgeousgoat ... And IMO it's very little to do with the food/turkey size etc, it's just nice to know, and you are quite entitled to have an answer, seeing as how it's YOU hosting it. You can ask for an answer now for no other reason that you want to know, because it will just settle you, and you can get organising!

We already have our December/Christmas sorted. Our (adult) kids who live half hour to 40 minutes drive away, are visiting for the day on 15th December, (with their partners,) when we will put on a big buffet for them... On 21st December, we are going to the pub (me and DH and the two kids and their partners,) for a traditional Christmas meal, and we will all swap Christmas gifts.

Then 26th December, we are going to a boxing day buffet/party at a friend of the family's house, who loves to host, and is having 70 people on Boxing day. Our kids and their partners and this friend's neighbours, work colleagues and family will be going to too.

Christmas day by the way, both our kids are going to their partner's families, and it is just me and DH all day at our house. Looking forward to a day of being very lazy, and eating trifle and crackers and cheese and drinking port. No-one to cook for or do anything for ... Bliss....

Then me and DH are going to a party on new years eve at our local pub 20 minutes walk away.

We all have it in our diaries, and all settled, and did have by the third week in October. I think it's really odd to not arrange stuff like this, and give a definite yes or no, (and expect one) within a few days of being asked. Especially with it being such a busy time!

It's so damn rude to not give a straight answer. Some people have busy lives and like to be organised several months in advance, and some have naff-all responsibilities, and all the time in the world, and pretty much think the world revolves around them. (Your MIL sounds like this!) Get your DH to TELL his mother she has until the end of this weekend to give an answer - one way or the other - or you will take it that she is not coming, and will not include her in anything.

Pay no attention to people saying you're being 'precious' or impatient. These must be the same people who dilly dally and faff, and make people wait weeks and weeks for a response! Very annoying!

Anyone who waited until Christmas Eve to let me know wouldn’t be coming! That’s incredibly rude and wouldn’t be accommodated.

Does it matter if they come or not?

IMO no.

It’s only two people. What are you buying before the 20th of Dec that needs exact numbers? I honestly can’t think of a single thing. Even Christmas Crackers I’d have a spare box...

Stop getting your stockings into a tangle, it’s only YOU it’s stressing (and now DH)...all for what? ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people will think it’s fine, some people will think it’s rude...some people will wonder why you’re even asking in Sept/Oct. It’s irrelevant. The only thing YOU can change IS your attitude. Do YOURSELF a favour & shrug it off. Decide not to care whether they turn up or not.

What do I think of her not answering? I think it’s reasonable of her to want to know what her options are before choosing.

Meh. Is it really that big of a deal?

Just tell her you need to know now for catering purposes. She says yay or nay and you plan accordingly. Not sure why letting you know 'later' is an issue but now that you feel you NEED to know, she'll have to decide. Done.

I can’t change how I feel about these things I’m afraid. I’m currently receiving treatment for anxiety i really need to stay organised and on top of things to keep it under control. As I said, I don’t care if she says no. I just want to know either way.

Then ask her. How else are you going to know?

We have been asking her! Did you miss that?

Don't justify yourself Georgie. You are who you are.

And you deserve a straight answer.

Ask your DH to ask her tomorrow! And say yes or no by this Sunday!

Your anxiety is the problem then - it's way too early to have to think about Christmas. Work on your well being, don't fixate on MIL, she's being perfectly reasonable and probably doesn't want to be boxed in two months ahead.

Look we all know that one or two people more isn’t going to tip the balance from single turkey breast to world’s largest turkey. That’s not really the point- I’ve got 6 people I’m still waiting on for an answer and honestly, even that number probably won’t realistically be an issue if they all do or don’t turn up. The point here is that she knows you are wanting to be organised and instead of helping you out she is holding out for a better offer and doing your absolute head in in the process. I don’t care who turns up on Christmas Day, there will be plenty of food regardless (as long as they don’t bring the whole actual village!!) but that’s me and the way I do Christmas. I’d be annoyed if I’d made it abundantly clear that I wanted a yes/no answer so I can get organised and someone was deliberately avoiding making that commitment. Honestly I’d just assume that she’s coming and then if she doesn’t tip up then you’ve got more leftovers! Just stop asking her and prepare for “worst case scenario” (not that her coming is bad, I just mean worst in terms of largest numbers to cater for). Definitely avoid the “oh but can’t we all be together?!” Chat when you don’t have either the room, or the inclination, to open this up to the whole family.

These must be the same people who dilly dally and faff, and make people wait weeks and weeks for a response!

I always respond to invites promptly, and I am definitely a planner. But when it comes to family and friends I don't expect them to behave the same way as me.

Does it really matter if you have 6 or 8 for Christmas dinner? Or that you might not know the exact numbers till a bit nearer the time.

The only way to be happy is to accept that you cannot change or control the way other people think or behave. You can only control your own response to it.

So the options are 1) sorry MIL you didn't reply therefore the invite has been rescinded or 2) ask MIL to let you know as soon as she can but get on with planning your own Christmas anyway. Either way it really, really isn't worth getting stressed over.