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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you are invited for Christmas...

215 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/11/2018 19:47

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

OP posts:
customerservicenightmare · 02/11/2018 10:06

You've given your power to the invitees. Take it back!

LavenderBush · 02/11/2018 10:18

The problem is that MIL is just plain rude. There's no reason why she can't reply now - she's just holding out for a better offer. That's incredibly rude.

I have a friend who does exactly the same with our invitations to her. It lets us know where we rank in her priorities and it certainly puts us off inviting her in the first place.

This has nothing to do with whether the OP has anxiety or not, or how many slices of turkey the MIL will eat, or the idea that "it's CHRIIIISTMAS" and therefore you should be happy to host any number of people with or without notice, because otherwise you are obviously the Grinch.

It's just rudeness, pure and simple.

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 10:23

cooking some of us simply choose not to. Not to spend our days looking for presents no one actually wants or needs, not to buy tons of decorations that stay up for a couple of weeks, not to spend tons of money on food that doesn't need to be eaten.

I spend an hour doing an online shop, same as I do every week. I buy people vouchers in the main. And I spend a couple of hours tops decorating. What's more, my husband does his share, I suspect other husbands not doing the same is a massive part of many women's Christmas-based stress.

When you get to heaven, God will surely grant you a shiny little martyr badge for doing everything you should do at Christmas. For now, some of us just prefer to enjoy our time with the people who matter to us without everything being a massive faff.

My mother is like that. Everything has to be bought and prepared and colour-coordinated. She has never had a happy Christmas as a result, and what's more, neither have any of the rest of us, because her stress infests the house like mould.

You have the power to not do any of that stuff.

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 10:24

lavender It's rudeness to not reply to an invitation TWO MONTHS before the date?

People on here are absolutely bonkers. It's ONE day. You waste a whole lot more of them when you spend so many of them stressing about such inconsequential shite.

customerservicenightmare · 02/11/2018 10:26

My mother is like that. Everything has to be bought and prepared and colour-coordinated. She has never had a happy Christmas as a result, and what's more, neither have any of the rest of us, because her stress infests the house like mould

Martyrs are never happy people.

LavenderBush · 02/11/2018 10:44

But Hisaishi, the OP and her husband have made it clear that they would like an answer now. And MIL has made it clear (via SIL) that she is hoping for a better offer. Surely in that situation the MIL is being rude by delaying?

The OP and her husband are the hosts. They're the ones offering to do the preparation and the work. If someone invites me to something and expects an answer by x date, then it's only polite for me to give an answer in good time (or explain/decline if I genuinely can't commit at that point). Because they're the ones offering to do me a favour, and it would be massively entitled of me to keep them hanging.

CookingGood · 02/11/2018 10:49

@hisaishi I’m sure my husband would love to help out, unfortunately he died in March so I’ll just have to do my best all by myself to try and inject some fake magic back into our lives and keep things as close to normal as I can.

And I’d rather have a shiny martyr badge than a sanctimonious arsehole one. Merry Christmas!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 10:50

We just had the same issue with mil previously hosted my side due to health issues and wanted to do so again but dp wanted to see his family. Dh messaged his dm asked her plans and Sil was on about going out for a meal for Christmas something we can’t afford or would go to, they said they probably wouldn’t go as they weren’t that bothered and have a dinner at there’s. We offered to go because mil was upset her dc had plans last year she then turned round and told us she would let us know. We decided we would host my family again this year because they appreciate it and genuinely there for us and their get. Sometimes you can’t win even if you do try and make an effort.

RangeRider · 02/11/2018 11:05

And I’d rather have a shiny martyr badge than a sanctimonious arsehole one.
Grin
I think that OP's DH should say to MIL 'if you don't confirm by this Sunday at noon that you're coming then we'll take it that you're taking us up on our offer to host you for Christmas'. And when she inevitably doesn't have the courtesy to do so then send her an email confirming that you'll NOT be seeing her for Christmas after all & cc SIL in too so she knows. Take charge. Don't let your anxiety hang on her making a decision, make that decision for her and move on. Anxiety is shit so you have to find ways of getting round it. Giving her a deadline and then ruling a line under it does that. Then plan YOUR Christmas without her and don't change your mind.

customerservicenightmare · 02/11/2018 11:13

And I’d rather have a shiny martyr badge than a sanctimonious arsehole one

I rather thought they were one and the same Confused

RuggerHug · 02/11/2018 11:14

skittles I'd get a bloody good answer about that today, that'd give me rage!

PennyArcade · 02/11/2018 11:15

I had this nonsense for most of my married life..

  1. People not replying until last minute
  2. I'll come if x isn't coming
  3. If we come x,x and x will have to come too
...and so on..
  1. Yes we'll come. DH is having his children for Christmas this year so count them in too.

Four years ago I decided not to invite anyone for Christmas dinner any longer. It's much cheaper and much less angst. Wish I hadn't started it in the first place.

Good Luck!

IStandWithPosie · 02/11/2018 12:02

I agree OPs MIL is being rude. She has been asked several times and refused to confirm. But I also think OP could take control of both her anxiety and the actual situation and massively reduce the stress this is causing her. There are options here other than going out of her mind!

inghamsitaly · 02/11/2018 16:59

CookingGood so sorry for you, I really hope your first Christmas without your DH will be as magical as it possibly can be xx

Whereismumhiding2 · 02/11/2018 17:04

@PennyArcade very sensible!
That list would give me the rage too! Grin

Whereismumhiding2 · 02/11/2018 17:41

@Hisaishi

I don't think you're fair to disparage others plans/ enjoyment of Xmas, if that makes them happy. So what if some people make a.fuss over Xmas and want to spend ages planning & getting prepared?

They kindly invited and repeatedly asked for an answer soon, if MIL & OH want to take up offer. Otherwise they could choose to invite someone else or scale it down. It seems to me it's terribly rude of MIL not to respond when thwyve said why they need to know sooner.

My cousin does the most phenomenal Xmas, Xmas Eve and Boxing day feasts (think home made individual chocolates etc) . She's already ordering supplies in & Xmas order. She has fruit cake started. It's a FB countdown to her favourite holiday for her!

It's also like going to the best ever cost family restaurant as she's amazing, everything is homemade and so many courses & side dishes! We all live to get an invite and would shout YES YES YES as soon as invited!

She's a cake baker /chocolate for her business, still running jobs right up til Xmas, so her kitchen & room in fridges are on tight schedule! I know other friends that enjoy similar type of fuss.

Such a cooking fuss is not for me, but I still want to know a month in advance who is coming, cos otherwise I can invite others. I want to know how big meat joints (we don't do turkey) to order from butcher. There's far less choice left in quality big meat joints if I leave it into December.

Whereismumhiding2 · 02/11/2018 17:42

*cosy (not cost!!)

CJsGoldfish · 02/11/2018 20:53

Stop posting "just ask!" as if the OP hasn't done that. It's so frustrating that you don't believe she has really asked for an answer, rather than believe the MIL refused to give a definate "yes" or "no"

Doesn't sound like the OP has asked for a definite, final answer at all because none of this would have been an problem if she had.
"Hey there MIL, need your final answer for catering". Done. If the MIL won't give a definite answer then she misses out. She's been given ample opportunity.
So I think 'Just ask" is a valid suggestion. But if OP doesn't ask she can continue to whine about it. [confused

PennyArcade · 02/11/2018 21:00

PennyArcadevery sensible!
That list would give me the rage too!

Bloody impossible when you don't know if 20 or 5 are going to turn up... Total madness! It's far easier to invite no-one! All my Christmases have come at once since I realised family Christmas get togethers are shit! 😁

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 03/11/2018 10:27

whereismumhiding2 The point is that Christmas isn't supposed to be all about you and your perfect Chrustmas.It's about making an effort to be especially kind and generous aka The Christmas Spirit.
Not getting yourself het up because people are ruining your plans for the big event. It's not a wedding. It's 3 days. That come every year.
Calling your MIL rude because she can't decide which family to spend the day with isn't fair. Who says it's because she wants " a better offer"? Perhaps she's thinking of fairness, logistics or something else entirely.

I'd tell her you want a quiet Christmas and save yourself a ton of misery.

Unescorted · 03/11/2018 10:48

It isn't really about the organisation or food amounts on the day. The MIL is hanging on for a better offer.In effect saying I will turn up if my favoured side of the family doesn't come good. I would be pissed in those circumstances too. I say this as a person who waits for the yellow stickers to go on whatever is left in the supermarket on Christmas Eve.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 03/11/2018 12:44

Since OP has already said she suffers with anxiety, for which she is having treatment /help, it is pointless telling her to get a grip or just go with the flow. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to just stand up and walk.

OP. I agree with you that MIL is being rude. If she couldn't give a definite reply because she has potential work commitments, I am sure you'd understand. But she's waiting for a better offer. My MIL did this once. DH and I invited her and she accepted as long as she didn't get an invitation from one of DH's siblings as she would prefer to go there. At the time, our DCs were about 10 & 8 and she'd never spent ant time with them on Christmas Day. DH immediately withdrew the invitation - he said we and our DCs were not second best and he would not allow her to treat is as such. We never invited her again.

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 13:53

@Sheworebluevelvet
whereismumhiding2 The point is that Christmas isn't supposed to be all about you and your perfect Chrustmas

That isn't 'the point at all', that any of us have been making! Nowhere did OP say she was annoyed at the not making it her perfect Xmas. It's like we've read entirely different threads! Hmm

If OP wants to know now whether MIL are coming or not,
so she can put food orders in now, then that's how OP does Xmas to make it easier for herself and a reasonable one, as some people have tighter schedules than others. PPs including I have explained why.

It's clear MIL is being rude by not replying to numerous texts asking her to confirm either way, and she's holding out. I hope OP and OH have just gone ahead and ordered and assumed MIL has declined it, since it was causing too much anxiety for such a kind offer.

It's closed minded not to let people do Xmas or any holiday traditions their own way, if you are invited to theirs, and to judge just because you think they should do it different. There's been a level of uncalled for anti-snobbery on here, in answer to a reasonable OP. An OP whom the majority of MNers have agreed with - that SWNBU.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 03/11/2018 22:05

No one is judging how people do their traditions.
It's just calling someone rude for not saying if they are joining you for Christmas in the first week of November is unreasonable.

The expectation is that you will join with some family members for Christmas. Don't most families have some sort of group discussion about who goes where? No one just says yes to the first offer because it's the first one in. Families have complicated logistics
Like I said. If the Op can't cope without two months notice then she shouldn't invite people. Even at my wedding I only had to give final numbers two weeks before.

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 22:35

@SheWoreBlueVelvet
.... still misjudging the point and still measuring your different standard, to OP and nearly 80% of MNers.

No point really @SheWoreBlueVelvet ,as if you struggle to / can't get your head around that everyone isn't like you! Nor has time that you do! Then Confused

And no it's not unreasonable to ask for a reply in Nov that's when you order your Xmas food!

You're obviously not as busy as some of us are, fab that you aren't but if you dont "get it" (cos it's outside your limited experience and you can't understand, when has been explained umpteen times, then simply don't comment!! Hmm)

Strewth. Some pps need to take an empathy course!