To think if you are invited for Christmas...

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

...you should give an answer in a timely fashion and not keep people waiting just in case a better offer comes along?

It’s so rude! We have invited my parents and MIL. My parents have said yes, MIL has said she’ll let us know. Fine. Except what she has told SIL is that she’d like to spend this Christmas with her dc. Obviously that’s no problem but why can’t she tell us no then?

The truth I think is that neither of them want to go to the trouble of hosting and they are waiting for Dh to offer to have them all here. SIL even called DH up and was clearly dropping hints which he deliberately didn’t pick up.

Just wanting to order and pay a deposit on our turkey soon so hoping MIL just get on with deciding.

Wow, this is Chfistmas right? - " a better offer" and " rude" seriously?
It's Christmas, a time of fun, kindness and goodwill. And you are already slagging off people that haven't replied to your "generosity" in hosting. Don't you ever watch Christmas Carol- his nephew invites him every year without luck until Scrooge turns up last minute.

It's a job that requires sorting not poncy RSVP's. Everyone in the family has to go somewhere and be hosted by someone. Not rocket science. Just arrange it between all interested parties.

Yes SIL is married with two dc and MIL has a partner.

Just arrange it between all interested parties.

That’s what I’m trying to do! She just won’t bloody declare if she’s interested or not.

I wouldn't even bother then, it's only MIL that's waiting for the invite. I'd just plan it like you are and if she's there she's there and if not then it's no difference to you x

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t do ‘if it happens, it happens’. That’s not me. I’ll crack up with the lack of certainty.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t do ‘if it happens, it happens’. That’s not me. I’ll crack up with the lack of certainty.

It's a shame the Mil isn't hosting Christmas. Sil and family could have gone there and when you received your invite you could have told her "I'll let you know."

It's not an unrealistic expectation to expect people to be give you a bloody answer.

chocolate did you see which part of your post I quoted and was responding to? It was the part that said people want everything to be perfect. Please don’t attribute my posts incorrectly.

I don’t do ‘if it happens, it happens’. That’s not me. I’ll crack up with the lack of certainty.

Why? Why do that to yourself? Who benefits from you deciding to be wound up by this?

I’m not ‘doing’ anything to myself. It’s just how I am. Like I said upthread, I suffer with anxiety and too much vagueness makes it worse.

IStandWithPosie

And I responded, among a couple of things, that it didn't have to look like a photoshoot.

Did a attribute that correctly??

Are you working on that? I’m asking as someone who has suffered anxiety too.

Not really chocolate.

I think I did posies

Yes I am

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

This is not an issue because of your anxiety, it's more about people not having respect or manners. If the Mil prefers to spend it with Sil then she should host.

I do think it's early to worry about ordering the Turkey... in any case i would order the bigger one and use the meat in a curry or sandwiches. I think it's a bit unfair to put pressure on. I've asked my mil this year and said to her leave it for now.. offer there

Not expecting her to get back to me to confirm until December (we get on well and talk most weeks a couple of times) but how does she know what she's doing herself? Several siblings might ask her

Well then you’re hapoy and I’m glad for you chocolate

Ok georgie so you know this is your issue that you need things to be precisely planned months in advance? You know that’s not a situation MIL has caused? You know there is a way for you to be prepared for her visit without actually knowing today whether she is coming? There are things you can do to ensure there is food, clean bedding etc.

Poise
Wouldn’t it be easier if the mil gave her an answer??
Why should op order extra food and drink and prepare for 2 extra people who might not even come?
Text her op and say I haven’t heard from you so I take it yor going elsewhere then. If she says I haven’t decided say I need to know by today or I’ll take it as a no.
As an aside some people are on a really tight budget for Xmas and it’s only 7 weeks away so it’s actually not too early to plan and order really.

It would be easier. For this occasion. There will be other occasions where OP doesn’t get the level of control she needs, what then? Long term it would be easier for OP if she was able to talk herself down from the height of anxiety she reaches over things like this. It would be a lot easier for her.

OP doesn’t have to order extra food if she doesn’t want to, she can order for everyone who has confirmed and tell MIL her invitation has been revoked. That’s another way of taking control.

I’m with you Georgie, I need to know if people are coming for Christmas lunch or not. I want to know how many people I need to cook for. How many sprouts, roast potatoes, turkey size, crackers, etc., It’s not odd really. . Although all this “it’s okay if 4million others turn up as it’s christmas is fine” ... ehh... nope I need to know in advance thank you kindly.

Hah. I had a ‘friend’ do this to me once. She kept my invitation in reserve until she got a better one then explained to me why she wouldn’t be spending Christmas with me.

It gave me great pleasure to dump her the following year.

YANBU. I would want to know too if I was having people around.

Surely if it’s just MIL you’re waiting on a couple of slices of turkey won’t make a whole lot of difference to which size you order.

@sabineundine I had a ‘friend’ do this to me once. She kept my invitation in reserve until she got a better one then explained to me why she wouldn’t be spending Christmas with me. It gave me great pleasure to dump her the following year.

What a cheek. I would have dumped her too.

YANBU OP. You are not wrong to want an answer from your MIL. Christmas takes a lot of organising for some. And is a stressful time for some too.

@Pippa999

Well then if that's the case you say 'I won't get my shifts for the Christmas period til 15th to 20th of November, (for example,) so I will let you know whether I am coming Christmas day or not by the 20th November.

Just be courteous and considerate and don't keep people dangling, like you and your time is waaaaay more important than them. Keep them updated, with what is happening and let them know as soon as possible.

And

@OrdinarySnowflake

And agree - "I can't say yet because I don't know when I'm working over Christmas, but would love to come if I can, I'll let you know as soon as I have my shift rota" = not rude.

Agree with these. I have family members and friends who won't know their Christmas rota til 3-5 weeks before, so like the last week to 10 days of November. One doesn't get it til 1st December. (They're a mix of emergency services workers, hotel staff, and starbucks and maccie D's workers.)

So all they have to say (for example) is 'I will know what days I am working in the second half of December on the 25th of November, so I will let you know if I can come on Christmas day, on the 26th of November.' (For example.)

I don't think that is too much to ask. As Snowflake said, just messing people about and keeping them waiting just in case something better comes along is very inconsiderate. I am sure that most people will know whether they are working Christmas day/boxing day, quite a few weeks/a month or more in advance. And as has been said, just tell the host that you cannot give an answer yet, but will do on 1st December/whatever date.

That's all anybody wants really, (even stressheads, and super-organised people who suffer anxiety.) Just be kind and thoughtful, and give them a date when you will have an answer for them if you don't know yet... No need for personal attacks against people who do things differently and like to be organised and prepared 6 to 8 weeks in advance, (And remember they quite possibly suffer from anxiety and stress and that's why they need to know asap so they can sort everything.)

@inghamsitaly

I am with Pippa* Georgie et al, I would want to know in advance not because it makes much difference to the size of the bird but because I just need to know in my head who is coming, who is staying, who I need to cater for and who I need to find a bed space for - hardly much to ask for an answer is it?

I agree with this too. It really is rather rude and inconsiderate for people to think it's OK to not give and answer and just string people along until it suits them. These people (inviting you for Christmas,) are being kind enough to be your host for the day (possibly 2 days!) and cook for you. Be more thoughtful, and think about someone else other than yourself. Honestly, it makes me wonder how and why these people are invited anywhere!

And no, it's not too early to start organising Christmas. It's November FGS. The restaurants and hotels and suchlike start taking bookings in August. Some even in July. So why someone considers early November to be too early is beyond me!