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DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/11/2018 11:11

He's being unreasonable
Is he always this needy?

Blondebakingmumma · 01/11/2018 11:12

There is no way I would want to be separated from my baby. I think you are BU

teaandtoast · 01/11/2018 11:15

HIBU imo.

My dh had to leave to work away (for weeks!) a few days after I gave birth to our first baby.

Sexnotgender · 01/11/2018 11:16

I don’t think either of you are being particularly unreasonable.

You moved to accommodate his need to be near his elderly father. He should understand that you will want to see your family too.
However I can understand him not wanting to be away from his new baby for a week.

Linziepie · 01/11/2018 11:16

you both are. he needs to take leave and go with you or your family need to come to you. would you let him take the baby away for a week?

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:22

@Linziepie he can't take leave. He's used it all for various other things and paternity leave. He has Christmas off but can't take another week off in December.

I can't ask my mum and Dad, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends all to visit me over Christmas 200 miles away. That seems like madness and we have nowhere for them to stay.

I do understand him not wanting to be away from his son, I really do, but surely he knew I would want to visit my family?

He already has a DS and has used all of his leave (5 weeks) on him and school holidays. He can't take any more time off.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 01/11/2018 11:23

Can you not go when he does have time off over Christmas?

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:24

@Sexnotgender this would be over Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day. He has his DS and would have to have him back at his mums house Christmas Day afternoon so it's just not possible.

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 01/11/2018 11:25

I can see both sides. Be honest though, if the situation were reversed would you really want to be away from your small baby for a week?

liquidrevolution · 01/11/2018 11:25

I went away for a week with 3 week old DD. DH missed us but he was working and I was recovering form CSection and needed support he couldnt give me. He understood, in fact he helped arrange it with my Dsis who drove me up.

We also live 10 mins away from his parents but 4 hours from mine so I understand your situation completely. While I was on maternity leave I popped to my parents for a few nights midweek once a month(ish). He was working during the week and sometimes worked weekends. I carried on when I went back to work but it became long weekends. In four years DH has moaned once and shut up as soon as I said he was welcome to join me.

Congrats on the baby. Have you managed to work your way through your to do list yet? Grin

PoesyCherish · 01/11/2018 11:26

If his other son needs to be back with his mum Christmas afternoon, could you drive to see family then, spend boxing day with them and drive back? 200 miles really isn't that far.

StroppyWoman · 01/11/2018 11:28

It's completely natural you would want t0 take your baby to visit your extended family over the holiday period. It's a shame he has no remaining leave but life's full of choices.
You sacrifice regularly seeing your family so he can be on hand for his. He can sacrifice seeing his baby during a week he's at work anyway so you can visit your loved ones.
relationships involve compromise.

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:29

@PoesyCherish no of course not, mainly because I'm breastfeeding and obviously am very attached to him. But in this situation... what else can I do if he's used his leave already on his time with first DS? Am I just meant to not go?

200 miles and back is quite far to go with an ebf baby on your own? Then back again the next day?

OP posts:
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:31

Omg I included my list of things to do in beginning of my post 🤣

OP posts:
tenbob · 01/11/2018 11:33


Hengine · 01/11/2018 11:35

He is being unreasonable
He was invited but can’t go because he’s used up annual leave doing something else and he won’t move his Xmas plans-
that’s not the same as you ‘taking his child away from him’

Bluebell9 · 01/11/2018 11:36

Have you asked him what solution he thinks is fair?

Its not unreasonable for you to want to visit your family and friends so can he come up with a better solution?

MissMalice · 01/11/2018 11:37

Can you compromise? Would he be happier if you went for a week after Christmas? Or if you went for 3/4 days instead of 7? I would hate to be separated from my children for a week, especially when they’re so little. You clearly need to be able to visit your family. There will be a compromise.

Alfie190 · 01/11/2018 11:37

Obviously there is the practical side of you being separated from your baby for a week, but I think the question was about how you would feel about that emotionally. Perhaps DP is “attached to him” too...

Having said that, it is a difficult one and I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. I think you need to compromise, maybe go for a few days rather than a whole week?

BackInRed · 01/11/2018 11:37

I wouldn't want to be separated from my daughter for a week and she's 6 months old. So I can see his point.

ZackPizzazz · 01/11/2018 11:38

Skip the tidying. You need to rest! Grin

I think HIBU. If the choices are you go alone to see your family or you don't see them then you should go.

When DS1 was tiny I basically moved in with my MIL Monday to Friday because I was struggling so much and needed the support. DH missed us but he put my need for support first. You've made a big sacrifice for him already.

BackInRed · 01/11/2018 11:39


Tidy bedroom
Sort nappy bin
All baby stuff away downstairs
All baby stuff away upstairs
Wash purflo"

Is this a to do list? 🤔


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CantWaitToRetire · 01/11/2018 11:40

Whilst I can understand him not wanting to be away from his baby DS for a week, I do think he's BU on this occasion. If he can't manage the trip with you at Christmas, when exactly are you supposed to see your family? Can you compromise and go for a shorter trip, eg long weekend/4 days?

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:41

He's always welcome to travel on the Friday after work and spend the weekend with us! I'm spending my maternity leave at the minute on my own. I have no friends here, no family, his family only visit when he is in. I'm isolated completely as I haven't had time to make friends here. I really, really do understand the way he feels, but the sacrifice I Have made is quite a big one. I don't think this is a huge sacrifice for him to make considering he has no other solution for me other than to just not go...

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/11/2018 11:41

He is - presumably CHristmas he is expecting you to have his son and visit his family. So you need to see yours - given that understandably he wants to use his leave to spend time with his sons and his family this is the only way

he cannot stop you from seeing your friends and family for a week - unless he has another solution (and it needs to be a week) he has to accept it

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