DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

[KrakleApple]

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

@Powerless if you'd read you post 2 mins after my original post you'd see I'd acknowledged that but thanks anyway

im assuming the father isnt breastfeeding, so no, it is not comparable the other way round, especially if he wouldnt be prepared for her to go without the baby, since he will be at work.

God, the amount of shit women put up with for bloody men

Page 1 .what stroppywoman said x100

Agree, Branleuse.

Krakle, you have made a massive sacrifice for him. What's he doing for you?

Remind him he took the time with eldest child for summer. But I think you may find a week too long to visit.

He sounds eerily like my abusive ex-son-in-law.

I don't think this is the best time to have this conversation, OP, because you have very recently given birth, but this man does not sound like a keeper.

I had my LO 5 weeks premature this year. 6 weeks later my DH had to go away for 1 night for a job interview, then again a month later for 2 nights, then 2 nights a month after that we both work in a field that does mainly contract work - he had another couple of years on this one but he panicked about new family responsibilities and applied for permanent jobs). Then we discovered that my mum, who lives abroad, needed bypass surgery. When DD was 4 months old I flew over for a week in order to drive her to hospital, then be around for a few days just to be there in case the unthinkable happened (I was not really needed as I couldn't even take the baby on to the ward to visit her before I left). I flew back out 3 weeks later to pick her up from the hospice and stayed for six* weeks to nurse her. DH joined us for a week in the middle to break the separation up for him. At no point did either of us say 'don't go' to the other as we both understood the need to do what we did. I wasn't mad keen on being left with a newly home from hospital preemie but I coped well and I can't imagine DH found waving us off on that second trip easy given that DD ended up in hospital in a foreign country on our first week out there (it turned out to be a random virus that she probably caught on the flight out) and she was acutely ill for 24 hours. I wasn't mad keen to be potentially repeating the experience on my second trip. Mum had had a month of nursing, she still was weak and sore. but she probably could have coped.

So long story short he is being VV unreasonable. When you live far from family you need to travel to see them. You need the support of your nearest and dearest, and family holiday times is when we feel the separation the most. If he has commitments (his DS) at home then he has to accept he can't always go. This is your lives from now on.

Whoops - only the six was supposed to be in bold

You moved away from your family 200 miles to be closer to his family.

He spent a huge amount of annual leave on his older child and sees his father regularly.

He should happily agree to you spending one measly week with your family.

Otherwise how is this an equal partnership?

Yes he'll miss his baby but heyho. He's used all his AL on his other DS, so tough titties.

Both of these. He also had a few weeks off when the baby was born so it’s not like he never sees them. You don’t see your family anymore basically and it sounds like he wants it to stay that way. The baby needs you much more than him at the moment so him being away doesn’t come into it for me. If you have moved so he is closer to his then he needs to understand you will be going down for long periods of time regularly to see your family. He is welcome to come but if he doesn’t it’s his choice and he doesn’t get a say in what you do. I would just say that you are going and that’s the end of it, if he tries to stop you then you know what type of man he is and can figure out what to do from there. Unless he is violent he cannot stop you so you should just go and enjoy yourself.

Quite a few of my cousins live abroad, all have at keast 3 children. All the women take the children to visit parents and wider family in UK at least once a year for extended periods. Sometimes the dh comes too, often though only for a week where wife and children are here for 5 or 6 weeks.

You're not even abroad so much easier for him to pop along to visit for a night or so if he wants to, but not fair to isolate you from your family when you really do need all the help you can get in looking after the baby, retaining your own social abilities and keeping up with friends and family. This is an important time in your own personal development too, and you need to have adult conversations, look beyond the tiny little bundle sometimes, have company, be able to have rest, be able to get out without always having to lug all the baby things even if just for half an hour.... etc etc etc.

He really is not thinking of what is best for you all as a family.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all! Of course you must go to see your family!
You probably don’t see them that often and judging by what you said there are only 2 options, so go!

Sorry forgot to say congratulations!
You must be feeling very isolated, you need yer mum! X