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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/11/2018 13:43

yes I understand the op. The result is still the same though, the baby is being taken away for a week. I would object if my DH did that, as I suspect most mothers would if they're honest.

Not really the same thing though is it in this case. Unless you have given birth and went straight back to work and can't get the time off. You would presumably be able to go along as you were invited.

OP this isn't a conversation for now. It's all still a bit new and parents get a bit possessive of their babies in the early days and he probably can't imagine being parted from his newborn ATM for days at a time.

He might feel a bit more relaxed about you going when the bomb that is a baby is still settling but at the now no obvious end in sight relentless drudge of it all.

Let it go for now and wait until closer to the time.

Maelstrop · 01/11/2018 13:44

I think dh is being unfair and you should go. Why is it all about his needs/wants? What about yours? As he’s working, he’ll miss literally the few hours in the evening when the baby is awake. I understand that he’ll miss the baby (has he not mentioned missing you?!) but he needs to compromise given you moved away from family for him.

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 13:50

katey what aboutbthe baby is given the opportunity to see the side of the family they haven’t seen yet. An a opportunity to start building relationship with his aunts/uncles/grand parents.
An opportunity for his mum to get a bit of support, to see her know family so she can do an even better job in harder circumstances (because she has no family support as she went over board supporting her DH by moving away from her own family)??

The wording ‘taken away’ is wrong imo. It implies judgement. One that you are removing what is a due to someone.
A father has responsibilities towards Not his dcs. No dues.
His responsibility is to ensure the child can develop a string bind with his grand parents. From BITH sides of the family. That the child is well cared for, which, atbthis moment in time, means that the mother is well cared for. And, oh surprise, it means that she can access and see her own family.

cabingirl · 01/11/2018 13:52

What about getting your Mum or Dad to take the Mon off work - they come down on the Sat/Sun - spend some time with all three (4 if DSS is there) of you.

On Mon, they drive you and the baby back to their house. Your DP gets to see the baby on the Monday morning. You don't have to worry about navigating the train or driving with a little one. DP gets off work as soon as possible on the Friday and drives up - he gets to see the baby Friday evening - which means he's only missed T/W/Thu - he also gets to spend time with your family and friends and they can see all of you together as a family. Then you drive back down together on the Sunday.

PoesyCherish · 01/11/2018 13:53

Why are people pretending 200 miles is a really long distance and will take all day? It really isn't that far and will take half a day tops. OP could easily travel up Monday morning, spend 2 full days and 2 half days with family and drive back Thursday afternoon (for example).

PoesyCherish · 01/11/2018 13:54

@cabingirl has given a really good compromise and it's a fab suggestion.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 01/11/2018 13:55

Go for a week. He can join you for the weekend if he likes.

BUT if I were you, travelling 200 miles alone with a baby, I'd go by train. That way you can feed/watch the baby, and not have to worry about driving.

IceCreamSunday87 · 01/11/2018 13:58

Your husband is being selfish and unreasonable.
Just go and enjoy.

cheeseandpineapple · 01/11/2018 13:59

He’s being unreasonable. You’re only talking one week with family who are 200 miles away when his are on your doorstep.

You’ve offered a solution to go by train and he meet you for the weekend.

Stand your ground on this as he needs to accept that you will be doing this on a regular basis given where you now live.

If he doesn’t like it then explore moving back or somewhere closer to your home so there’s equity in how often you see your respective families.

If he doesn’t want to do that then he should support not seeing his child in person for 4 days whilst he’s working and Skyping in the meantime.

On the limited information he sounds somewhat controlling and if you give in now you’ll be creating a difficult precedent.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

In your shoes I would be going for longer.

otterturk · 01/11/2018 14:01

HIBU

I don't care what people say - taking w baby from its mother is different from its father

CottonTailRabbit · 01/11/2018 14:01

Just do it.

Don't try to make him feel good about it. Accept that he will miss you both. Approach all conversations from the viewpoint of you are going, it's not up for negotiation, and you are symapthetic to the fact that he will miss you.

It is OK to let your spouse be a bit grumpy or sad. People need time to sort their own heads out. Other people can't do it for them.

You being clear that you are going, non-negotiable, helps him get his head straight. Right now he thinks he's in a negotiaton.

Inebriatededna · 01/11/2018 14:04

Please go ! As others have said all the compromises have come from you and surely he didn’t expect you to give up seeing your family and friends when you moved near his .

cooldarkroom · 01/11/2018 14:05

HIBU. Your mental health post partum is important and you sound isolated and lonely. You've made a huge sacrifice to move away from your support network for his benefit so he needs to make sacrifices too.
You will probably find he will always makes a fuss. You have to remain a strong resolute adult. You want to see your parents with your newborn baby, there is nothing more natural.... You have no support, not even from him it seems

JessieLemon · 01/11/2018 14:06

YABVU to want to take his new baby away for that length of time.

Ask your relatives to come visit and get a hotel. If they care about you enough they’ll willingly visit and understand that with a new baby it’s better for them to travel. You may not get every last cousin but the important people will come. We travel 400 miles each way to see my OH’s sister and her partner, it’s just what you do for people you love.

moredoll · 01/11/2018 14:11

HIBU.
Of course you want to introduce the baby to your family and friends. I'm surprised he doesn't think it's reasonable for your parents to spend time with their new grandchild, especially as you moved so that he could be close to his. It's unfortunate that he's used all he leave but that's no reason to stop you going. You can still be in touch. Joining you for the weekend sounds like a good plan. The sooner you book the tickets the cheaper they'll be.

Branleuse · 01/11/2018 14:12

Id go so far to say that him trying to stop you is actually a big red flag.

Surely when you moved away from your family it was with the knowledge that you would go back to visit. I think its such a natural urge for a woman to want to be with her family when a new baby comes along, and its important to do so if you can.

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 14:15

@JessieLemon so he can choose to take all his time off for his DS (it's in a court order so I have no objection to this), is unwilling to take unpaid time off, unwilling to accept that I moved away from my family for him in order that he could maintain a relationship with his, but I can't visit my family for a week? I have to stay home over the Christmas period with no friends or family around and isolate myself over what is meant to be a lovely time of year? I have 6/7 friends I want to see. Do I ask them all to come up and see a different one each day, and then 2 uncles, an aunt, both my parents? What about my grandparents (my sons great grandparents) who are elderly and can't travel? Do they just not get to meet their great grandson?

All genuine questions. I think that is far worse than a father having a week away from his son.

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 01/11/2018 14:17

@KrakleApple ignore JessieLemon. They are expressing a view that is completely in the minority. You are being completely reasonable and your DP is not. Go home - and enjoy it.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2018 14:21

cabingirl's suggestion is a perfect compromise.

But I do think you need to clarify w your DH about the future. Is he saying that you'll never be free to visit your family with your child(ren) without him? It may be that you have very different ideas of how a family works when one part of it lives far away. It also may be that he sees his family as 'family' and yours as, well, not. Or at the least, not as important.

Branleuse · 01/11/2018 14:23

Bollocks to finding a compromise. Its a week. I think going for only a week is already a compromise

Branleuse · 01/11/2018 14:26

go home, tell him what youre doing. You are not his employee. You are free to visit your family when you want, for as long as you want.

BlueBug45 · 01/11/2018 14:32

OP just go.

Your OH should have worked out when you are pregnant you would be taking regular trips with your child to see your family and friends. If he cannot sort out his leave to go with you then you should go alone. He gets a chance to have a proper sleep and if it's the weekend for his other son, then he can spend proper one-to-one time with him without the baby. Your baby's brother can cope without seeing the newborn for a weekend as newborns do SFA in his eyes.

I had a similar situation in my own family yeaes ago but it involved going abroad with toddlers. One of my SILs' was so mad she chucked my brother out of the house until he agreed. It later transpired that my brother just doesn't like going abroad and we, all his siblings, told him he was unreasonable and if he couldn't go with them then she should go alone. Incidentally travelling with toddlers isn't advised by loads of parents so you best go now, and start convincing people to come up and visit you.

Mamathebest · 01/11/2018 14:33

HIBU- OP you do not need his permission. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been if I could not have seen my family when I had my child. You have already sacrificed enough by moving away so he can be near his family. Why should you further sacrifice your mental health and your relationships with your family to appease his needs?

Go see your family for as long as you need. If he is that desperate to be with baby then he can come down on the weekend or take a couple of days unpaid leave (if your financially able to). If he isn’t willing to do this, that is not your problem. It is a week fgs. Tbh with you OP he may feel very differently after two months of sleepless nights and may welcome having some time to himself.

oh4forkssake · 01/11/2018 14:35

cabingirl's suggestion isn't the perfect compromise as the OP's parents also work Monday-Friday.

I'm with @Branleuse. He had nine months to think about this. And he decided to use all his AL on his son. Court ordered or not, he could have re-negotiated if being apart from this child for a week is so much of a concern.

Bollocks does the OP need to compromise to that extent. He needs to get over himself.

beachysandy81 · 01/11/2018 14:36

YANBU - you moved to accommodate him, he needs to make it work for both of you. It is bad for your mental health to not be able to see family/friends with a young baby. You really need their support at the moment.

How about going up on a Wednesday, him coming for the weekend, and you returning the following Wednesday? He is being unreasonable and is at work all day anyway while you are alone.

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