DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

[KrakleApple]

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

It is not ok to take his baby away at Christmas.

HIBU. I understand it’s not nice to be separated from your child but it’s a week and how exciting are 2 month olds really? And there’s facetime, photo and video messaging so he can still have plenty of updates.
I think youre going to have to seriously discuss this though because it doesn’t sound like a one off considering your situation. You will always want to take your son to see your family and he has his other son to consider too and a limited amount of leave. Did you discuss it before your DS was born?

@BackInRed my mn keeps crashing so I wrote it in my notes! I accidentally included it 🙈 and yes it is. Don't ask.

I appreciate 200 miles is a long way with a small BF baby as you'll have to make regular stops I guess but I'd suggest a compromise too - going for 4-5 days, not for a whole week.

@sunshinesupermum my compromise would be that I get the train and he drives down at the weekend..

Of course he is being unreasonable. A week really isn’t a very long time.

You moving is a sacrifice but blaming him for you being isolated is setting you both up for a fall. You made a choice as an adult, it’s also your responsibility to go out and join baby groups and meet people (I understand you’re only 10days PP but in the coming weeks this will be crucial).

There is a middle ground. Both of you digging your heels in is a poor decision for your relationship and that will impact on your child.

You could go for less time, you could go early next year, he could take unpaid Parental leave. You could go over a weekend or do a couple of weekends to fit in visiting everyone and he could go with you. There are options.

HIBU. It's one week!

I fully get that he'll miss your baby but he should also think about how nice it will be for you to go and visit your family/friends given the move you've made for him.

I can't believe he'd happily go to work all day and not see little one then anyway but would rather you were feeling isolated and down about not seeing family/friends for the sake of seeing little one for a few hours in the evenings.

OP you are isolated and lonely PP and he can only think of his needs - that is awful

I think you just need to tell him you are going - he is with his friends and family all the time and you want to spend time with yours. You will need to do in on a 3-4 time a year basis and he needs to support you. Unless he is willing to move his life for you

He is being unreasonable , does he see his other child every day ? You are entitled to see your family near Christmas and as baby is breast feeding and you are the primary carer then obviously the baby needs to come with you .

If this was reversed, how would you feel about DH taking baby away for a week?

Does he work Mon-Fri?
Do your family all work Mon-Fri?
If he's working all week and not seeing his child, then I'd expect he'll want to spend the weekends with just you and the baby (and the other DC if it's his time).
I think the fairest solution would be go up on Mon morning, return fri afternoon. But then maybe your friends/family will possibly be at work?
Are you going to plenty of baby groups? They're a great way to make friends.

HIBU. Your mental health post partum is important and you sound isolated and lonely. You've made a huge sacrifice to move away from your support network for his benefit so he needs to make sacrifices too.

HIBU. It's only a week and if he has no leave left then that's that? It's not like you're going over Christmas.

Can he take/can you afford parental leave?

HIBU. Very.

What about compromising and taking the baby away for 3 or 4 days instead?

Can you go for a long weekend instead of a week. Or just non-for so you are back for the weekend together?

@Blondebakingmumma not the same thing really is it.

He hasn't just given birth.

@MissMalice I'm not blaming him at all. It was a choice I made. So he could be near his family. I am subsequently far away from mine.

I am going to groups, but having friends you can invite over when you're in your pyjamas and feeling rough and having your mum pop in when you need her is very different to spending time with someone you've just met.

If I go on two weekends I then deny his son time with his siblings. 200 miles for me is also a long way to drive just for a Friday-Sunday visit. It's expensive in fuel and I can't afford it all the time.

@Blondebakingmumma if I was at work Monday to Friday, he was at home, breastfeeding, looking after baby, 200 miles away from his family, I would probably understand and take leave to go with him. I wouldn't like it but surely that's life and comes with being with someone who moved away from their family?

@Gazelda he works Monday to Friday but so do my parents. I would see friends in the week and parents evenings and weekend. I have joined a baby group near me. I went on Monday. I was the only person there because of the half term. It was embarrassing and I cried my way home!

If it can't be done when he is off, when does he expect your "Christmas visit" to your family to be?

Or any visit to your family to be?

Hes bloody working so he will be away from his baby anyway. He is being very unreasonable. You can do what you want.

YABothU, there is plenty of comprimise room here so why are you falling out over it?

Why don't you go Wednesday and he can join you Friday after work and you can both return home Sunday for example.

@Quartz2208 I guess I'm just not supposed to visit them...

I did this when DS was 3 months old. We saw DH on the Monday morning before work and he dropped us at the train station, then he managed a slightly early finish on the Friday and drove straight up to spend the weekend with us at my parents. So we got to see them for the whole week but there was only Tues, Wed and Thurs when he didn't see DS at all. We also FaceTimed and I sent him loads of videos and photos so he didn't feel too left out. Would this be an option for you?