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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 01/11/2018 12:26

YANBU. Visit your family. Send your dh so,e photos and text updates. Enjoy Christmas together when you get back - or spend the money and he joins you for the weekend and you come back together (have a look for coach options as these can be a lot cheaper than the train).

MatildaTheCat · 01/11/2018 12:26

Tell him your parents are missing their child- YOU.

You’ve moved away from your family and friends so definitely you need the freedom to visit. The fact that he isn’t able to is sad but tough, that’s life.

Having said all of that 10days PP is very early and I suggest you park the discussion for now and make your arrangements quietly. I wonder if having a new baby has stirred up feelings of sadness that he doesn’t see his ds full time?

Congratulations and enjoy you baby. And your trip home. Smile

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 01/11/2018 12:29

Hibvu and I can't believe several pp think otherwise.

However, baby is still very new. Give it a couple of weeks and he might realise that hibu.

Either way, you need to go for the sake of your mental health

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2018 12:29

I can see that my DH (or I) would be upset if the other wanted to take our children away over Xmas, but could you go over New Year's week? He could drive you down on Saturday and you could take the train back the next weekend (or vice versa). You'll be home for Xmas, there's a workday off (NY Day) for you to spend extra time with your parents, then home the next weekend.

I think you really need to sit him down and just ask him how seeing your family is supposed to work. Not go at all unless he goes? Not go over any holidays? Not go until Baby is XX years old? I understand not wanting to miss time with one's child, but there does have to be some compromise here.

RestingBitchFaced · 01/11/2018 12:31

He is BVU. Why should you sit at home on your own while your off on maternity leave? It's the perfect opportunity for you to spend time visiting your family. He's being selfish, go!

Mooster62 · 01/11/2018 12:32

You have already sacrificed a lot for your DH and I think it is about time that you did something for yourself. Go and enjoy being with your family. Will your DH use this as an excuse for you to never go and spend time with your family? My DH would never have asked me not to go regardless of how much he would miss his DC. Due to circumstances that I won't go into now, I had to leave my DS for a week when he was 12 weeks old. It was hard but perfectly doable. Just tell your DH that as he has not found a way to compromise you will be going to your family.

WhiteCoyote · 01/11/2018 12:32

He is being massively unreasonable.

I had this exact same thing when ds was born - I had post natal anxiety, was recovering from an emergency c section and have no family nearby. And dp was out at work 15 hours a day, and always went in on his days off. I never got a break.
I told him I was going to my mums for a week (she lives 150 miles away) and he went mad saying I was taking his child away from him.

He didn’t need to work such long hours btw, he just couldn’t learn to say no to extra work and was completely ignoring me when I told him I needed more support. It caused the biggest row in our relationship and we still both seethe if it’s ever brought up to this day. He still bleats on about how I took his child away from him for a week. I still don’t feel an ounce of guilt though. I did what I needed to do.

If he can’t get the time off it’s tough titties, you still need to see your family too.

NWQM · 01/11/2018 12:32

Do you mean you think he is saying you shouldn't go at all now you have your son or you shouldn't be going alone with a 2 month old but wait?

To be honest if you have had put on here that you annoyed that none of your family had visited you you'd have got lots of support...motorway same length both ways sort of comments.

If he is thinking you shouldn't be the one trekking the 200 miles I'm kind of with him.

In terms of him using up all his leave presumably that's for an arrangement already in place with his DS. Again good on him - potentially that's another tick in the box rather than a negative. He keeps his arrangement.

Yes, you have compromised by moving. Yes, of course you should be able to go where you want but only you know him well enough to know if this is control or concern.

rubyroot · 01/11/2018 12:34

I'll be prepared to be flamed for this, but I think the attachment at this young age between a baby and their mother is more important than between a baby and their father.

He'll miss him, but he'll get over it. You need to see your family and it appears this is the only way you can do it, he should try to understand that. He'll be working anyway

Devillanelle · 01/11/2018 12:35

YABBU. Go for 3 nights maybe.

diddl · 01/11/2018 12:38

When are you thinking of going & returning OP?

NicePieceOfPlaid · 01/11/2018 12:39

He's being very U. Just go.

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 12:44

I was going to go afternoon of 16th then come back 23rd morning...

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 01/11/2018 12:48

HIBU. Massively.

I'd just go if I were you. I went to see my family out of the country with each of my two children when they were 9 weeks old with DH and their relationship with him survived!

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/11/2018 12:48

Why not go for 4-5 days for this first visit instead of 8?

timeisnotaline · 01/11/2018 12:50

I’d be fine with this IF agreed to moving house closer to my family early next year. Otherwise absolutely not, YANBu and I would go whether or not my do agreed, and tell him it’s a shame he doesnt have his wife and baby’s best interests at heart, it’s very selfish. Both of our families are in Australia, we are going over Christmas with our two but as I’m on mat leave I will stay 6 weeks. Dp only has 3 weeks he can take leave for so is coming back.

I agree it’s early to discuss, make the plans but don’t bring them up again for a few weeks. In the meantime , make sure he cooks , cleans and does a night shift. A month in and he might think a week just going to work with evenings to himself sounds great.

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 12:53

HIBU.
That’s great he wants to see his ds (even though I wouod agrafe he will probably appreciate nights that aren’t a disturbed by the time December comes)
But he can’t stop you and his ds from seeing our side of the family.
Nor can he dictate that your family won’t get to see your ds that often ‘because he can’t bear to not see his child’.

You made an effort by moving next to HIS family. Now it’s up to him to make an effort due to the fact you are far away from YOUR family.
He also needs to take into account that been far away for your family means less support for you as a new mother.....

I’d have a chat with him about it and see how he thinks this is going to work long term.
Are you going to spend every single Christmas with his family?
When are you going to see your own family? Etc etc
You need a long term plan there that will work for BOTH of you. Not just him

StompyDino · 01/11/2018 12:54

I was in a similar set up to you (living miles from my family) and DH encouraged me to go see them as he could see I was lonely and it was unfair for my mum not to see DD. He obviously missed her but he was spending a he daytime at work anyway, and we did video-chatting in the evening.

HIBU

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 12:55

Fee why do you think it’s a good idea for the OP to shorten the trip? It will be long trip, both for her and her child.
I wouod imagine that if she was going only 4 days then she wouod go again for 4 days to see them again.
So the OP wouod spend one day travelling, 2 days seeing her parents and One travelling back.
It just doesn’t seem an efficient way to use your time to me

Mitzimaybe · 01/11/2018 12:55

YANBU. HIBVU. HTH.

Cutietips · 01/11/2018 12:55

I think HIBVU. You are missing your family all the time, he will miss the baby for a week. It’s really important for you to have the support of your family and friends and to give them the chance of bonding with the baby. He has made choices to use all his leave on his other son. Of course that’s commendable but it also means that he now has to empathise with you and support you in spending time with your family as you have supported him iby moving close to his family.

MynameisJune · 01/11/2018 12:59

If you’re not away Christmas Day then I don’t think YABU.

He shouldn’t be dictating where you can take your DC. Especially when he is at work and can’t get any leave until April.

I’d just tell him you’re going and he needs to deal with it. You’re entitled to see your family with your newborn.

Mummyshark2018 · 01/11/2018 13:00

HIBU massively. He expects you to sit at home playing wifey until he gets home from work in the evening, for an hour or two of interaction with baby and a little more with you when you could potentially be spending time with good friends and family. It's one week ffs. There's FaceTime etc. Given you're so far from your family if I were you I would be setting a precedent whilst on maternity leave at least that you will be making regular trips home to see people and so your child can built a relationship with grandparents

Mia1415 · 01/11/2018 13:01

HIBU and very selfish.

Of course you should go and see your family. Its only a week and he'll be at work.

Halloloween · 01/11/2018 13:02

Can you schedule it so it falls over a weekend? Then he could come down on the Friday and bring you both home on the Sunday?

Providing he's reasonable obviously.

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