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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
MissMalice · 01/11/2018 11:57

I get that none of the solutions are ideal - I really do. I just think it’s important to find a compromise rather than one of you insisting on your own way. That’s going to lead to resentment. Resentment is corrosive in a relationship. Was part of moving 200 miles to be closer to his son?

Hengine · 01/11/2018 11:58

He also hasn’t moved away from his family for the sake of the OP

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:59

@Sweetheart we could do that, but taking two cars would be really expensive, as would me taking the train and him driving. It's an option though and I've suggested it to him. He still thinks I just shouldn't be going, at all

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 01/11/2018 11:59

You moved away from your family 200 miles to be closer to his family.

He spent a huge amount of annual leave on his older child and sees his father regularly.

He should happily agree to you spending one measly week with your family.

Otherwise how is this an equal partnership?

user139328237 · 01/11/2018 12:00

Does his leave reset on 1st January?
If so the compromise is surely to wait the extra few weeks and go in the new year.

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 12:01

@user139328237 no his leave runs in line with financial year.

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 01/11/2018 12:02

HIBU. Very.

Yes he'll miss his baby but heyho. He's used all his AL on his other DS, so tough titties. He joins you for the weekend when he's not working. He can crlatch train down.

You have every right to see /visit your family and so does baby, they'll want to see their nephew/grandchild too.

DH can choose to take unpaid parental leave to come with you, or accept he can't get (paid) time off work. It's all going his way.

PP put it well... @piglettears @floralnomad and @Quartz2208

Satsumaeater · 01/11/2018 12:04

*You moved away from your family 200 miles to be closer to his family.

He spent a huge amount of annual leave on his older child and sees his father regularly.

He should happily agree to you spending one measly week with your family.

Otherwise how is this an equal partnership*

This. I see alarm bells when I see a male partner remove his female partner from her family and friends. Is he worried you won't come back?

Go. He will have to live with it. Come on, how many men really care about missing a few days with a newborn. I would have thought he'd be relieved to have a few nights of uninterrupted sleep!

AngelsSins · 01/11/2018 12:06

Personally I think he’s completely unreasonable. What did he expect to happen when you moved? That you’d cut off your family and never see them again?

As for people saying how would you feel if he took the baby, can we stop pretending it’s the same thing? He doesn’t have hormones running a rampage through his body and the baby doesn’t need him, they need their mum. OP has made a big sacrifice in moving so that’s he can spend more time with his son, now it’s his turn to make a sacrifice.

OP what exactly does he expect you to do? What’s his solution? You never get to see your family and friends?

chillpizza · 01/11/2018 12:07

Frankly he should be waving you off with at least a fake smile. Yes he will miss those few hours in the evening but he could come down for the weekend. You have moved 200 miles away from everything and everyone you know for him and he doesn’t want you to see friends and family for one tiny week when he can see his every bloody day.

What’s his attitude like to you visiting your family/friends normally say pre baby arriving?

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 12:08

@chillpizza he never had a problem with it. I went regularly for a week at a time!

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 01/11/2018 12:08

Could you go Wednesday to Wednesday and he comes and visits for the weekend, or he takes one (measley) day off on the Monday and you all come back together then?

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 12:09

@EllenJanesthickerknickers the Wednesday-Wednesday would mean being away on Christmas Day which is the only problem....

OP posts:
Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 12:10

And that really would BU!

OP posts:
chillpizza · 01/11/2018 12:12

Just go op. If he kicks up a stink tough titties. You need to still be you as a human being. You’ve grown a baby, you are nourishing the baby. You need to be able to at least visit those people who make you feel like your not alone.

If you don’t go you will be sat in alone resenting him anyway.

Inniu · 01/11/2018 12:12

You have compromised enough by moving to be near his family.

Yes he will miss the baby,and you presumably, for the week but you miss your family all of the time.

He could have saved enough leave to go with you but chose to use it for his other child.

Your need to see your own family is going to be a recurring issue so you need to stand firm now.

diddl · 01/11/2018 12:12

"He still thinks I just shouldn't be going, at all"

Ah now that is a problem.

Tbh I think that you should go & no more pissing about trying to accommodate him.

When are your parents off?

Just CB & BD like your husband?

Forgotmycoat · 01/11/2018 12:14

Op it's paramount for your mental health that you spend some time with your immediate and extended family. Especially being post partum. YOU need this as a new mother. Don't back down about a whole week. It seems to be all about his father/older child/him missing the baby. It's all about HIM. Right now, your needs come first.

BobbinsBoo1 · 01/11/2018 12:15

Would you be away for Christmas day and boxing day? If you would be away after these days I think HIBU but if you would be away for Christmas day I think YABU.
That would mean he doesn't get to spend his babies first Christmas with him.

AngelsSins · 01/11/2018 12:16

You could call his bluff and say you’ll leave the baby with him then!

You should absolutely go though, of course you should.

hellsbells99 · 01/11/2018 12:20

of course you should visit your family.
Your DP is being a bit daft.
We live local to my DH's family. My family are a couple of hours away.
DH has got used to the fact that I will often go and visit my family during school holidays etc when he is working.
I feel visiting my family is a priority as he can visit his everyday.

lovetherisingsun · 01/11/2018 12:20

He is BU - you are completely on your own. He is expecting you to REMAIN on your own, because he can't bear to be parted from his newborn for one week?

My DH spends days and days away with work. He knew right from the start he couldn't expect me to just remain in the home, us waiting around for him.

It's one frigging week, fgs. It's not months. He'll be working. You are not his nanny - you are not a paid maid for his kid, to be at his beck and call whenever he wants or needs.

newrubylane · 01/11/2018 12:20

Does it need to be a whole week? Couldn't you do, say, 4 days, with two of them over the weekend/on days he doesn't work, so he could come for part of your visit. Then he'd only have 2 days away from the baby, which seems a reasonable compromise.

EK36 · 01/11/2018 12:22

Yes go, have a nice time.

sunshinesupermum · 01/11/2018 12:23

Krakle Yours sounds a good compromise too especially if you both drive back together?

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