Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 01/11/2018 14:36

Cross post with @Branleuse.....

Mamathebest · 01/11/2018 14:37

And for those that are suggesting that it is exactly the same if a baby was separated from it’s mother. No it really isn’t. Especially in situations where father is working full time anyway. Mum is basically with baby 24/7 and therefore he/she will be more attached to mother. Newborn babies need their mothers more then their fathers.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/11/2018 14:38

I know you wont like it OP but I think you should wait and go either alone when baby is older or together in the new year when you can all go together.

If this was flipped and the father was taking the baby away from the mum, we'd all be flipping out and saying how cruel it is. It's just as cruel the other way around.

Allthewaves · 01/11/2018 14:39

He's been unreasonable buying been there with my dh. Turned out he was very insecure that I would up sticks and move home

Iminagony · 01/11/2018 14:39

I don't think either of you abu.
It's not unreasonable for you to want to see your family, or for your dh to not want to be away from his for a week (by that I mean you and baby).

The compromise you suggested seems fair you going by train and him visiting at the weekend.

If he won't do that though I do think it's reasonable for you to go and visit for 1 week with the baby tbh. If he's going to be at work anyway and would only be around for the weekend. Suggest he enjoy some quality father son time with his ds over the weekend (and some uninterrupted sleep!) and you'll all make the most of being back together in time for Xmas.

If he's not willing to compromise then it sounds as if he was the wrong guy to make such a big move for to me! (Not suggesting LTB 😋)

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 14:40

We travel 400 miles each way to see my OH’s sister and her partner, it’s just what you do for people you love.

Yep and that works the other around too.
Just imagine in a few years threads form the OP’s family saying ‘OP just can’t be bothered to come and see us. We are alway the ones travelling and she never makes an effort. We want to have a relationhiso with that child but she is doing everything to stop it. Or so it seems...’

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 14:41

Krakle what court order? Are you separated??

diddl · 01/11/2018 14:47

"either alone when baby is older or together in the new year when you can all go together. "

Why, won't he miss the baby when it's older?

He doesn't get time off until April!

Jocasta2018 · 01/11/2018 14:49

Go!!!!! You need to see your family! You’ll be back on the 23rd December - that’s 2 days before Xmas.

He is being very unreasonable - your joint families live 200 miles apart - you need to see them - you’ll be back on the 23rd.
Your husband will have to learn that in future his holiday leave might not just apply to seeing his family but also, heaven forbid, maybe even seeing yours together or will they all be expected to flog 200 miles to fit around HIS plans.

I guess all the people pontificating on the OP taking the baby ‘over Xmas’ are cross posts. The OP said in her original post it would be the week BEFORE Xmas & now she has specified that she intends to return on the 23rd...

cabingirl · 01/11/2018 14:50

@oh4forkssake - The compromise is that OP's Mum or Dad (or both) might be able to take one day off work to travel down to pick her up whereas the OP's DP has no annual leave available. It would also be splitting the travelling costs with her parents and make the journey easier for her.

DP's worries about her going may be a very complicated mix of worries about money for the trip, stress about OP travelling on her own with small baby, the thought of missing his new child, the thought of missing out himself on a family trip, subconscious anxiety about a child of his being 'taken away' because of split from previous partner and child.

There's a lot of family dynamics, emotions, logistics and PP hormones in the mix - it probably doesn't have to be an either or situation.

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 14:52

DP's worries about her going may be a very complicated mix of worries about money for the trip, stress about OP travelling on her own with small baby, the thought of missing his new child, the thought of missing out himself on a family trip

The last one is a big contender imo.
Like so many fathers seems to think that women on ML are just having fun and relaxing, like a 6 months long holiday when they are so hard up by having to go to work....

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 01/11/2018 14:52

@MyBrexitIsIll OP said her DP has an older child already so the court order refers to that

OP Yanbu, you've made enough sacrifices for this man already. I find it worrying how so many separated dads want and expect everything to revolve around their own needs.

Potato2242 · 01/11/2018 14:54

He'll be at work though,not with the baby. So he's bu

HellenaHandbasket · 01/11/2018 14:55

He's being massively unreasonable

3boysandabump · 01/11/2018 14:57

If he's going to be at work most of the time anyway I don't see the big deal

knittingdad · 01/11/2018 14:57

Is it maybe worth the extra expense to take a week of unpaid leave?

llangennith · 01/11/2018 14:58

HIBU

AngelsSins · 01/11/2018 14:59

If this was flipped and the father was taking the baby away from the mum, we'd all be flipping out and saying how cruel it is. It's just as cruel the other way around

NO ITS NOT.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2018 15:00

Hibu
You’ve sacrificed your whole support network to be with your dp. You also have needs and it’s important for your mental health to see your family and friends. Why do his needs trump yours?

I would be going regularly to see them tbh. Are you going to see them before this? I do hope your parents at least will meet the baby beforehand.

Your dp should have been able to work out you’d want to see your family just as he wants to be with his father and older child.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 01/11/2018 15:01

@cabingirl's suggestion seems an excellent one.

I'm confused however at your comment that taking two cars or catching the train would be too expensive yet you want DP to take a week's unpaid leave which would surely be far more damaging financially than a return train fare? (Even with travel costs being what they are).

MissMalice · 01/11/2018 15:02

So much guesswork on this thread. So many people so confident of the husband’s motives even though he hasn’t given his side of the story.

Louiselouie0890 · 01/11/2018 15:04

Neither. Imagine if he wanted to take baby away from you for a week.

Jenny17 · 01/11/2018 15:08

If you want to go see your family go. You shoildnt feel guilt tripped nor have to wait 6 months. He'll cope.

Powerless · 01/11/2018 15:26

@Mossend It is NOT over Christmas Day 

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/11/2018 15:30

@AngelsSins

Yes it is. Fathers need time to bond in those early months also.

Why does Mumsnet treat dads like second class people. My DH would have been upset if I had done that an I'm mature enough to realise that isn't fair.

Dad is also the parent and his feelings should also be considered.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread