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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP thinks IABU. I think HIBU...

187 replies

KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 11:10

I am 10 days PP and live 200 miles away from my family. DP is round the corner from his. I moved to his city so he can be near his elderly father.

I want to visit my family for a week before Christmas. DP will be working so can’t come.

He thinks IABU for wanting to take his 2 month old away from him. I think HIBU for trying to stop me.

I want to see my parents and also my childhood friends, aunts, uncles etc.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Halloloween · 01/11/2018 13:04

^^ falls over a weekend meaning perhaps mon-sun afternoon so its only really four days as he'd see you both Friday evening?

VanGoghsDog · 01/11/2018 13:07

Just go, he can come at the weekend if he wants to and you can travel back together.

His other kids will have plenty of time to meet their new sibling, years in fact.

CantWaitToRetire · 01/11/2018 13:10

I think that sounds a good work around then. You go for a week and DP joins you either at the beginning or end of the stay for the weekend, so he'll only be separated from DS for a few days. That sounds very reasonable considering what you've given up to live near his family. 3-4 days apart will not hurt him, especially if they are the midweek days where he'd surely have only minimal time with DS anyway if he's at work? If he objects to that then he's being far too controlling.

HidingFromDD · 01/11/2018 13:11

I'd leave it until after you've had the baby. You may well find that when he's weighing up missing the baby versus uninterrupted sleep it's a different response 😁

HIBU btw

Original poster
KrakleApple · 01/11/2018 13:12

I had the baby 10 days ago @HidingFromDD 🙂

OP posts:
HJE17 · 01/11/2018 13:14

I brought my 5-month old across the Atlantic for 10 days by myself ahead of Christmas last year to see my family... and then again for a week over her first birthday. It’s not ideal to leave her dad behind but it’s the reality of modern work and international families! Not a huge deal in my opinion...

kaytee87 · 01/11/2018 13:15

I'd be really upset if my DH wanted to take my child away from me for a week. He wouldn't do it if I wasn't happy so I can see his point. On the other hand I don't think my DH would mind me doing it.

Jux · 01/11/2018 13:22

Go. You need to see your family, your baby needs to meet your family, your family need to see and to see the baby.

HIBVVU and unkind. He too is an adult and should have anticipated that his wife would be isolated at a time when she needs all the help she can get, and that she will need to visit her family frequently.

oh4forkssake · 01/11/2018 13:24

@kaytee87 it's not that the OP want to take the child away from her DP for a week, it's that she wants to visit her family as soon as is practicable with their baby and because of decisions her DP made, in relation to his existing family responsibilities, he can't join her.

In that context, it's highly unreasonable of him to object.

Mossend · 01/11/2018 13:24

I was going to say HWBU, it's only a week and he gets to see his family all the time it's not unreasonable for you to get to see yours but the fact it's actually over Christmas Day changes it for me sorry

reforder · 01/11/2018 13:25

HIBU. Take your baby to see your family OP. It sounds like you’ve accommodated him in the past with moving to his home town and no doubt made sacrifices for your stepson so although I understand your DH missing the baby I don’t think that’s enough reason not to go.

I too moved hundreds of miles away from family to DPs home town and I regularly take my babies “home” by myself when my partner’s working. Although he doesn’t particularly like it and he misses them he never tried to stop me as he understands the sacrifices I made by coming here and that seeing my family and friends is important to me.

Mossend · 01/11/2018 13:26

Ignore that, just seen your update, I'd def go

kaytee87 · 01/11/2018 13:26

@oh4forkssake yes I understand the op. The result is still the same though, the baby is being taken away for a week. I would object if my DH did that, as I suspect most mothers would if they're honest.

ThePinkOcelot · 01/11/2018 13:28

I would be going regardless of what he says. He obviously doesn’t appreciate that you’ve moved your whole life for him!
He sounds like a selfish arse hole!
I think I would also be sowing the seed that you would like to move back to your family.

diddl · 01/11/2018 13:29

So you'd be back for Christmas.

Can't see the problem then tbh.

I'm thinking that the weekend you're away is when he has his oldest?

SolveigSleeps · 01/11/2018 13:30

He is being unreasonable. But then, I wouldn't have minded a break from mine!

Mitzimaybe · 01/11/2018 13:31

His preferred option is that you & baby stay home with him, never seeing your friends or family but he is close to his family and can see them any time he wants.

Perhaps your preferred option is that you all move close to your family and friends so you have their support and help in coping with baby, given that he is at work all the time.

The compromise is that you stay living near his family but get to visit your family whenever you like and for however long you like. He is welcome to come with you but if he has chosen to use all his leave for his other son (not saying that's wrong but it's his choice) then he doesn't get to stop you going.

He doesn't get to say that you live there with no support from your family / friends when you have already made so many sacrifices for his sake. You could put it down on paper - draw a line down the middle, and one side write down everything you have given up for him. On the other side write down everything he has given up for you. Which is what, other than the possibility of doing without you and baby for a week? That will put it all into black and white facts and clearly show the reality. He doesn't get to insist that you make yet another sacrifice while he has lost absolutely nothing.

aidelmaidel · 01/11/2018 13:34

Give it a few more days, he'll probably be thrilled at the idea of some unbroken nights' sleep.

Really though he should let you go. There will be plenty of time for everything to balance out, you are going to have this child around for a long time yet.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2018 13:37

Your 'D'H sounds like a selfish prick.
He's alright Jack.
Has all his family and friends around him.
You've just given birth and want some family support.
He could get to fuck.
I'd be off.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 01/11/2018 13:38

I think you should go, it's only a week.

When my daughter was 3 months we were living abroad and I flew back to the UK to be with my family for a month. My DH was happy for me to go, he missed us both but understood that I wanted to see my family.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2018 13:38

And with his uncaring attitude towards your needs, I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to come back or not!

Branleuse · 01/11/2018 13:39

You do not need his permission

AngelsSins · 01/11/2018 13:41

I would object if my DH did that, as I suspect most mothers would if they're honest

Yes, most MOTHERS would, because mothers have raging hormones at 10 days PP and a baby NEEDS it’s mother. Why are you pretending it’s the same for dads? It’s not. Do you think most men find it hard to go back to work and leave their baby? Or rush home from work to do all of the childcare?

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/11/2018 13:41

Considering you have moved away from your family for him and he could join you for the weekend I think HIBU. Maybe you could go Wednesday to Sunday instead though to minimise the time away.

OHolyNightOwl · 01/11/2018 13:42

At 2 months my husband would have sold our child for 50p on EBay as he was so knackered, so he would have been thrilled if I went away for a week. Haha

Joking aside, I also live away from my family, so definitely think you should go. It is important for your wellbeing. The husband can take unpaid leave if he really wants to come.

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