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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/10/2018 13:47

I would be skipping the event to be there to support my husband, not to mention being there for the children.

Your boss will understand.

MissCalifornia · 30/10/2018 13:47

It's just bad timing.

You should go to your thing. If your MILs operation does go ahead then you and your DP can sort out childcare closer to the time.

If he actually said you're "not allowed" though I'd be having serious fucking words.

3boysandabump · 30/10/2018 13:47

Is want to be there for my dh and dc rather than at a work event

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/10/2018 13:48

I would say you were going but if she dies will obviously not go. If MIL was to die I think it would be heartless for you to leave him to grieve alone.
Without info I would say he is being melodramatic saying she might die.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 30/10/2018 13:48

If he is genuinely worried his mum might die then I can see why he thinks you shouldn’t, apart from childcare, he would probably like your support.

chestylarue52 · 30/10/2018 13:49

I would arrange it so that the children are taken care of - send them to your parents or have a babysitter or have your parents come to your place.

Then present it as non negotiable- it’s important to you, you’re going. You can be very sympathetic about his mum “I know you’re scared, it must be awful” etc. If it was me, I’d not drink alcohol in case something bad did happen and I needed to leave.

Definitely go to your work do though! As the breadwinner you need to!

beenandgoneandbackagain · 30/10/2018 13:49

It depends what the operation is. If it's a routine operation, he is being unreasonable. If it's not, or she is extremely elderly/at risk from a routine operation, then you need to be there for him.

BMOT · 30/10/2018 13:49

Couple of questions

  1. How far away is the work event?
  2. Is the operation really that serious or are there under lying issues in you going
puzzledlady · 30/10/2018 13:50

It’s bad timing. Him manipulating you is not on though. He told your you’re ‘not allowed’ to go?! Who does he think he is! It’s unfortunate about the mother yes, but are you going to be in a different continent should anything happen?! Surely you’re a phone call away?

LemonSqueezy0 · 30/10/2018 13:51

I would go but make clear arrangements with him eg how you'll get back in an emergency etc.reassure him but stand firm on going.

The manipulation needs to be dealt with - is he jealous that you 'have fun' and he's stuck home all day? Is it possible for him to work now the children are older? Does he want to?

DaanSaaf · 30/10/2018 13:51

Do you ever have nights out without him?

Time40 · 30/10/2018 13:52

I think you should go, but leave the event and return to your DH if his mum does actually die.

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 13:53

whats the operation?

Hidillyho · 30/10/2018 13:53

How quickly would you be able to get to him should your MIL die?

Definitely arrange for the children to be taken care of by your parents and say you’ll come straight away if needed.

It’s just really unfortunate timing

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2018 13:53

So talk to your parents about covering in the event the operation does go ahead on time (not likely)
What is the OP?
Open heart surgery?

triwarrior · 30/10/2018 13:54

Organize backup childcare and go. If MIL dies, come home, obviously.

Is she very old/ill and the surgery is difficult? Or is your husband just being an arse?

Jlynhope · 30/10/2018 13:54

Personally I would stay home with the kids and dh. If mil is sick and this is a serious operation for me family would come first.

user139328237 · 30/10/2018 13:54

What is the operation?
If she is relatively healthy and is having a cataract removed YANBU but if she is having a heart transplant YABVU.

Shoxfordian · 30/10/2018 13:55

Is it really a possibility she could die? I think you should go to your event but have a backup plan for the children if there's an issue. Did your husband really tell you what to do like that?

JosellaPlayton · 30/10/2018 13:55

If the operation is very serious and there is a very significant chance she’ll die then you really should want to be there for him, I’d be surprised that anyone would opt to go to a work event under such circumstances. However, if it’s a small routine procedure with minimal risk as he’s manipulating you then of course you should go to your thing, he can go to the hospital with his mum and get your parents look after the children. Regardless, though you’re an adult and he does not have the right to tell you that you’re not allowed to do something.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/10/2018 13:55

Is it actually likely that she might die? Is the operation actually high risk?

BarbaraofSevillle · 30/10/2018 13:56

Obviously the reasonable answer to the question would depend on whether there really is a risk (above normal risks of GA) that MIL might pass away during the operation or whether it is manipulative behaviour by your DH in an attempt to guilt you into not going.

The fact that this operation is nearly a month away and therefore not super urgent, suggests the latter.

Loopytiles · 30/10/2018 13:58

Yes, much depends on what the operation is.

Also how far away from home your work thing is, eg if not too far you could drive and remain sober just in case.

Paying for childcare should he wish to be at the hospital is another option.

I can understand why he may not want your parents to stay.

BaldricksCoffee · 30/10/2018 13:59

I'd do what others suggest - tell work that you will be going to the event.

Should the worst happen and you need to be at home, then you can cancel, or leave the event early to return home. Work would understand in those circumstances.

SwizzelsFizzers · 30/10/2018 14:08

Ridiculous. Sounds like he doesn't want you to go- is he jealous? This is work not an orgy.

Just go.

Ask your parents to come and stay to look after the children so that he doesn't have to.

He can then be with his mother.