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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
beenandgoneandbackagain · 30/10/2018 14:35

Given your further updates isn't the answer to go to the work away day but leave before the evening event, so you can be home on the day of the operation itself? Win-win for everyone.

PandorasBag · 30/10/2018 14:35

At the moment my father-in-law, in late 90s, is quite frail. For the last year we have known that anyone of a number or conditions might kill him. My husband and I get on with our lives. We travel abroad together and individually.

It is understandable your husband feels anxious but I think he needs to take responsibility for arranging childcare, rather than trying to stop you from doing something which is important for you socially and professionally.

Lauresbadhairday · 30/10/2018 14:36

I think you should go to the work event as you will be back on the day of the operation if the worst happens and you have already said that there are other options for childcare. It sounds as though this work event is important to you and your team. What about just going for the day and skipping the evening event? Could you go the night before so you don't have to travel both ways in one day?

FWIW my DH went to a work event overseas when my father was receiving end of life care. My DH would have cancelled but it was an important event and I understood that. Unfortunately my father did in fact die whilst he was away and it was awful but that was the decision we had made.

WorldofTofuness · 30/10/2018 14:37

To me, it's not so much about what someone should or shouldn't do, but the process to get to that point. In a healthy dynamic, both partners should be talking about when the events (working thing/ op) are, what the risks are, what practical help is needed, what moral support the aged P's son/daughter might need.
One partner giving another an ultimatum based on incomplete info isn't on.

drinkygin · 30/10/2018 14:37

You are not being unreasonable, especially with the update. They’re not going to start the surgery at 7am, by the time she’s admitted, preop done and everything else it could be late morning before she’s even in theatre. You’ll be back by the afternoon. Sounds to me like a control thing and if it wasn’t this then your husband would find another reason to not “allow” you to go.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 14:38

It is understandable your husband feels anxious but I think he needs to take responsibility for arranging childcare

Why should it just be his responsibility?

Original poster
UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 14:38

If the op is at 9am then he would want to see her before so wouldn't be here to do the morning school run etc., although my parents have said they are happy to come and deal with it.

I don't know if he's planning on staying with her throughout the op, afterwards, etc., but it will be easier for him if he knows the children are sorted.

I have declined the invite.

OP posts:
Worriedmummybekind · 30/10/2018 14:39

I’ve been a SAHM, usually these issues become arguements when the at home partner is struggling with their role in some way. Either because they feel overlooked or trapped in some way or because they are depressed (in my experience it’s pretty common when you’re holding the home fort). Not at all saying it’s your fault, but maybe your DH needs your full attention to hear what he is really upset about. As you said there are other options so this probably isn’t about the practicalities, this is about the emotions.

OliviaBenson · 30/10/2018 14:43

Why have you declined op?

There's a workable solution here, particularly in light of the update.

Does your DH have form for this?

SwizzelsFizzers · 30/10/2018 14:48

You need to seriously think about your relationship

He sounds very emotionally controlling.

Did you want him to be a SAHD? or did he just decide?

Glasgowbound · 30/10/2018 14:48

i have declined the event
Sad to hear that, this is a slippery slope.

triwarrior · 30/10/2018 14:51

I think you've made a huge mistake, OP, and I'm concerned about what this incident really says about the state of your marriage. Even if my mother were very frail, I'd never ask my husband to miss an important work event because she was having a broken bone reset on the day he was due to arrive home. Your parents can do the school run but your husband rejects this - it's not about his mother, it's about you. Controlling you.

SparkleBanana · 30/10/2018 14:53

I would go to the work event. You’re the one bringing money in (from the sound of it) and this would be a great opportunity for you. Your parents are happy to help and you’ll be back anyway.

I would not be happy to be told I’m not allowed to do something. He should of spoke to you about it rather than cause an argument. Does this happen often?

I know there’s more risk with age but I think they tell people with most ops there’s a risk of death.

Original poster
UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 14:53

Him being a SAHD was a mutual decision.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/10/2018 14:56

"I have declined the invite."

Why?

Everanewbie · 30/10/2018 14:58

God there are some cold hearts on here today. The guy has a frail elderly mother having an operation, and people seem to think the OP's priority should be a glorified work piss up? If the boot were on the other foot you'd all be raising an angry mob, or at least screaming LTB.

Rightly or wrongly the husband sounds scared, and needs support for himself and for the kids. And to call him abusive via the side door (controlling) without knowing anything more about him than a few paragraphs about his elderly mother is a disgrace.

inlectorecumbit · 30/10/2018 15:00

The probability of the operating being moved is quite high. There is a risk of death with every operation nut then again there is a risk of death every minute of the day for us all.
The OP had childcare covered, there wasn't a problem with that.
I think she caved to the "not allowed", and missed an important work event.
I see a red flag flying here. Just how controlling is your DH?

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 15:01

Get lost WitchesWeb.
I missed the update. SORRY.
🙄

Miscible · 30/10/2018 15:02

If you can be with him by lunchtime one the day of the op, I'd think long and hard about cancelling. The reality is that, if it's elective surgery, it may not happen that day anyway, and it may well not start at 9 a.m.: in the winter in particular hospitals do regularly have to bump all surgery unless it is literally life-saving. For all that she might die, as people have pointed out she could die at any time - I take it your husband doesn't expect you to stop work for the next few months or years till she does. Whilst you can never be blasé about these things, the reality is that people in their 90s are regularly having this sort of surgery without problems.

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 15:03

And WitchesWeb now that I have seen the update it doesn't change my opinion at all.
which is the complete opposite to yours. I still think this is good for the opening post to go, she deserves to go; it'll be good for her work and career and he seems like a controlling prat.

and the chances of anything happening to mother in law, ie dying over the operation, are probably slim to none.

Ok?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2018 15:06

Resetting a bone?! Is he usually so dramatic?

I think you're making a mistake OP. It's not lifesaving surgery and it's more than likely the op could be postponed.

Your parents are on hand to help.

Don't let him sabotage your work. After a restructure it's important to be visible.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 30/10/2018 15:09

Even if her op is the first of the day, you'll be home within a few hours, and your parents are available for morning child care.

There is no reason to decline.

PickAChew · 30/10/2018 15:10

FGS go to the work event! It's not a selfish need, since you're supporting the family, financially.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2018 15:10

I think it's a shame you declined. You could have easily gone and driven home after. I think you've been emotionally blackmailed there OP

Likeshyt · 30/10/2018 15:12

The weekend my gran died, I gave my partner the option to go away for the weekend, but did without being manipulative, ask that if the worst were to happen would he come Straight back for me? He stayed. And the weekend after she left he was due to go out with his friends, which is rare, and I felt bad but I asked if he would mind staying in with me that night as it was still raw. But I am very needy and my gran was like a second mother to me, so I felt like I needed him.

I don’t think he should have said YOUR NOT GOING but he should have explained to you as I did with mine. It hurts and it’s worrying and he would prefer to just know your there.

But I have found that the men I have known have not been as elegant with their words as ya girls are.

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