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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
SophiaLovesSummer · 30/10/2018 16:14

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go

Parking all and anything else, that is a massive red flag. Is he typically controlling and telling you what you can/cannot do?

Please don't decline the invite, not least as its not just an 'invite' is it? It's an work away day (only those who have never been to one IME refer to them as 'jollies' - they're far from it in truth) and then a meet/greet evening do. One which is more, not less, vital given you work remotely and again even more important given there's been a restructuring and you don't yet know some of your SM team!

If your DPs can be there to cover childcare, then DH is utterly free to fully support his mother through what is fairly routine surgery; there is literally NO reason for you not to go bar him 'telling you' that 'you;re not allowed' Shock

Also, given it is a fairly minor op and we are predicidted another tough winter on the NHS, there is every chance it could be delayed again &/or cancelled so it's crazy to opt out of a work thing when it might not even be going ahead (& if it does, then you have all covered anyway so where is the big deal bar the 'control' bit?)

Please contact them and say you made a diary error and yes, ofc you can go. Please don't be surprised if DH then finds another reason for you not to go as the 'not allowed' bit is typical of a controlling man who may simply just not want you to go and believes he has that power over you.

chillpizza · 30/10/2018 16:14

This is madness. Your rarely actually see these people for work and it will be good for your future to be there but he says you can’t because mummy needs a bone resetting ffs. Get your parents to watch the children and go to work! You will damage your career turning down this type of thing.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 16:15

All the stories about the man not going to an important meeting for work (Esp when it’s only twice a year!!) is whishful thinking from a lot of the posters.

No not wishful thinking at all.

Davon · 30/10/2018 16:15

I have declined the invite

Then you are a doormat and you've been absolutely played by your DH.

Foolish of you.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 16:16

Your rarely actually see these people for work and it will be good for your future to be there but he says you can’t because mummy needs a bone resetting ffs.

Nice way to talk about someones elderly relative.

ToeToToe · 30/10/2018 16:21

You should go to the event.

tolerable · 30/10/2018 16:22

You arent going?Even tho you could meet him at lunchtimish at hozi on opday?i dont get that

chillpizza · 30/10/2018 16:24

Elderly is subjective to some it means 90 others it means 60. If the hospital where overly concerned she would die having it done anymore than anyone else going under they wouldn’t be doing it.

The dh is being a controlling dick.

JosellaPlayton · 30/10/2018 16:24

Another one who doesn’t understand why you’re not going. Just don’t drink, get up early the following morning and drive back to be there before his mother goes into surgery. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if your controlling husband found another excuse to tell you that you can’t go. Is he insecure about being a SAHD?

buzzlightyearandwoody · 30/10/2018 16:26

My grandmother had a small operation at 79 it was a hip replacement she died the next day. The sacrifices we make for loved ones is never easy. I think if anything was to happen to his mum she would need to support him and their children emotionally. I think you made the right decision.

I find some peoples reply's on this thread amusing because when I told people that my partner worked away because he had to. I got people looking at me like I was destitute and how is he supporting you and the children.

I think when you have children people are watching they want to see how to get to the next level in their career by using parents and their children, you must not show weakness. The children could say grandma died yesterday and daddy was crying and mummy was gone. Kids cant help it they say things that you don't want them to say. If it was just you and your partner then fair enough do what you want go to the event.

Loopytiles · 30/10/2018 16:28

Sorry about your grandmother. A hip replacement is not a small operation though.

PoshPenny · 30/10/2018 16:29

I think you should un-decline the invite and go. Have your parents do the children that morning so he is completely free to be with his mother. You're home at lunchtime so it's only for a few hours. Theres a fair chance the op won't happen that day anyway and surely the risk of death isn't crazy high, it's resetting a bone? My mum had her shoulder pinned at 83 and sailed through the op and recovery. As PP have said, it's important to be visibly available after a restructure, and by not going I think you're sending out the wrong signal, which might be to your detriment some time in the future.

anniehm · 30/10/2018 16:29

Depends on how serious the op is, if it's that touch and go, it would be unreasonable for you to go to the work event as even if the op goes well your dh will be extremely anxious and worried, he needs you to support him (even if the op is earlier in the week it can be touch and go for a few days). Having your parents come may be a good idea anyway, if the worst happens you can then be with dh and your parents can look after the kids. Bad timing but family comes first

buzzlightyearandwoody · 30/10/2018 16:30

Any operation that involves opening you up shouldn't be taken lightly.

chillpizza · 30/10/2018 16:30

A hip replacement is a much bigger deal than a bone resetting.

How old are your children op?

buzzlightyearandwoody · 30/10/2018 16:34

Thank you loopytiles it was a long time ago.

SushiMonster · 30/10/2018 16:36

Go. Don't drink. Return should you need to (MiL actually dies).
Arrange for your parents to have the children so that DH can fully support his mother.

Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 16:45

Assuming the surgery is very high risk and there is a chance your MIL could actually die ( and not just fear of the operation, many people feel that way) then of course you must absolutely stay at home.
Your dh is likely to be so distraught and your children too, I am amazed you would even consider going under these circumstances...

SilverySurfer · 30/10/2018 16:46

Who the hell does your DH think he is telling you that you're not allowed to go? I think you were wrong to decline the invitation. Your MiL's op isn't until the following day and your parents have offered to look after your children in your absence.

I hope you reconsider.

Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 16:50

Only just seen your update sorry.

I thought it was open heart surgery!!!

Resetting a bone!!! Old or not, she is very unlikely to die.

Of course you must go and let your parents help.

Undecline or at the very least tell your boss what is happening and you will try and be there

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2018 16:50

I think you've made a mistake turning down the event, OP.

Your DH doesn't even want you there; he wants someone to be responsible for the children. Your parents have offered to cover that.

IT is not emergency surgery, it is routine. And during the winter season when surgeries get cancelled regularly. How are you going to feel if the surgery is postponed and you have gone to this crucial, rare, networking event for your company? You are the person who earns the income; you should be going.

ChalkDoodler · 30/10/2018 16:50

I think you should go to the event.

You need not only to be seen by SM but to meet them. There is the workshop in the day and the usual socialising at night. This is still important.

It is important because you are the only wage earner. Putting a face to a name is essential if there is any more restructuring.

I say this as a SAHM to 2 now secondary school children. But my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 9 years ago and I had to juggle school runs and hospital visits. Dh did everything he could be he still had to work (self employed and sole earner in our house.) Otherwise we wouldn't eat.

Dh's own Mum died 4 years ago but his job was different meaning he could take 2 hours out of the working day with me to visit her in the hospice but be back to collect the children from primary school.

I understand your Dh's concern but your parents have offered to help with childcare. Sometimes the priority of work comes before the possibility of something going wrong with the operation.

RomanyRoots · 30/10/2018 16:54

Well, you can't value your job very much. It won't look good if they all turn up with the exception of you.
Why do you let your partner treat you like this, do you not have any self esteem?
It must be awful to be told what you can and can't do. Sad

Blanchedupetitpois · 30/10/2018 16:54

he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

If there is a real possibility of his mother dying then he isn’t being manipulative, he is crying out for support.

I think you should cancel the work event, unless the op is cancelled. I understand it’s important to you but for something as potentially serious as this your family should come first.

Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 16:56

Can I also add your dh is being a little melodramatic about this.
I am sure he loves his mother very much, but he is likely to scare her with talk of not making it through. Far better for all of you to carry on as normal with a full expectation she will be fine. Buy her some flowers and plan to visit with the dc in the evening as you would with anyone ekes.