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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 16:56

Else

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2018 16:57

I'd have asked your parents to look after the kids, gone, and then been back to support the husband at lunch time. Life has to go on, and your family rely on your income. Cancelling on the off chance your mother in law might die isn't really good.

The docs wouldn't operate if they thought the risk was high.

Angelil · 30/10/2018 16:59

Another one who would go to the event.

Sounds like it would be easy enough for you to have alternative childcare in place so for me it's a no-brainer in terms of practical support to your husband.

Plus, you never know how you will feel when/if a parent/family member dies. Some people just want to be by themselves! Then you'd have declined the invite for nothing in terms of emotional support.

Pinkyyy · 30/10/2018 17:01

You absolutely made the right decision to decline. How could you possibly go out and enjoy yourself while your family is at home possibly losing a mother/grandmother? And when you don't even know the people at the party very well I can't understand why you'd rather be there than supporting your family.

greenlynx · 30/10/2018 17:04

I wouldn’t go to the event in these circumstances and my husband won’t either. I think it’s ok to ask (and expect) for support from your partner in this situation.
OP, your DH worded it badly but he probably was upset and nervous. I wouldn’t make conclusions about him being controlling on these words only.

Biancadelriosback · 30/10/2018 17:04

No way would I put work above my family. If there is a chance his mum might die then how can you go away to socialise with work and leave him to grieve alone? If I were him I would have some serious thought about whether I wanted to be with someone who wouldnt be there for me at such a crucial time. That being said, if she is going in for a very routine surgery and is in good health and no genuine concerns that she may die, then he is being unreasonable

diddl · 30/10/2018 17:07

"How could you possibly go out and enjoy yourself while your family is at home possibly losing a mother/grandmother? "

Won't the kids be at school??

SequinsOnEverything · 30/10/2018 17:09

It's a non urgent operation in November on the NHS, there are fairly good chances of it being rescheduled due to winter pressures.

I would have gone if I were you, but if you're happy with your decision it doesn't matter what we think.

bunchybaby · 30/10/2018 17:14

I don't like to think of myself as heartless and whilst it is very bad timings , the other set of grandparents are there to pick up the bit you can't do and then you will be home anyway .

I work in a similar way to you (albeit without the SAHP) and it would be completely frowned upon with my seniors if I declined a once or twice yearly networking opportunity unless I was actually on the operating table myself .

This whole thing was completely workable with a bit of planning and the kind offer of extra help .

I'd move heaven and earth for my DH as a rule but if I'm responsible for every bit of income coming in , on this occasion work would come first .

Fine if it's your decision to decline but I'd be frustrated with DH if he was making me without considering the alternatives .

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2018 17:20

My OH had loads of operations a year ago. Every form we had to sign said there was a risk of death, but we knew he needed the operation so he had them. I think its standard. Is this what your OH means? Or is there really a high risk?
It sounds like there is quite some time before this op. Your MIL should already have some paperwork what happens on operation day. Your OH should read this. It might set his mind at rest.
Is he taking her to hospital? he will be encouraged to take her in, settle her down and leave and not come back until she's out of recovery and awake. He can ask the ward nurse to ring and let him know when she's awake again.
In my experience the run up to a relative having an operation is always worse than the actual operation especially if there is a long wait. It sounds like your MIL will need more support afterwards and it would be a good idea to focus on this aspect with your OH.

Miscible · 30/10/2018 17:22

My grandmother had a small operation at 79 it was a hip replacement she died the next day

This anecdotal stuff tells you nothing. My father had major heart surgery at 84 and lived another 12 years. Conversely, the day after he died my DH went to work and it never for one moment occurred to me to stop him. At the time, I was concentrating more on supporting my mother.

The reality is that if the hospital thought there was a serious risk they wouldn't be doing the surgery, but bone resetting is a really quick and easy op. It would be really infuriating to miss your work event and then find the operation gets postponed anyway.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/10/2018 17:25

Any operation that involves opening you up shouldn't be taken lightly.

Of course not. By that person, and the surgeon and other medical staff. If my relatives cancelled events because I was having a routine operation - which is what this is - I'd think they were mad.

If the hospital thought she was high risk, they wouldn't be doing the op.

PickAChew · 30/10/2018 17:31

The event isn't even on the day of the operation. It's the day before and she'll be back home, the day the operation is scheduled for.

Childcare can be taken care of, the morning of the op, so that is not a problem.

Escolar · 30/10/2018 17:34

I think you should definitely go to the work event, organise for your parents to take the kids to school, and get up early to travel back that morning.

Otherwise it's highly likely that you'll miss this really important event for absolutely no reason, if she hasn't even gone into surgery yet!

HollowTalk · 30/10/2018 17:39

Do you know what kind of anaesthetic she'll have? My very old aunt had a similar operation and was given fentanyl - no general anaesthetic.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/10/2018 17:40

I'm with bunchybaby. Go to the event.

MortyVicar · 30/10/2018 17:44

What I'm thinking about - though it could be a whole new thread - is what's the DH going to be like if the OP does go to the event?

Based on his saying that she's 'not allowed' I wonder if he could get very nasty, whether his mother died or not.

Rapnoceros · 30/10/2018 18:17

The operation might be cancelled or postponed - I think it's silly to decline the invite when you have your parents to help.
If you don't know the new management you might miss the chance for promotion / be first in the firing line for redundancy etc. That will affect your family more in the long term.

Rapnoceros · 30/10/2018 18:19

Plus very few people die on the operating table if they were fit enough to be considered for the op. More likely to die later down the line from post op complications/infection/PE/pneumonia.
Not very nice to think about but obviously DMIL is the main consideration in you turning it down.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/10/2018 18:27

Yes I think you should go to the event as it is a once a year thing and very important.

You will be back by lunchtime to support your husband - after all it is after the operation that things may go pear-shaped, not before.

And you have your parents to help in the morning.

How close is he to his mother?

ForalltheSaints · 30/10/2018 18:42

The phrase that concerns me reading the OP's thread is 'My DH has said I'm not allowed to go'. Whilst personally I would not go and be glad of a reason not to, as I find workplace social events boring, the OP wishes to go.

I think as long as contact can be made and if the worst were to happen the OP can get home (so perhaps not drinking), then she should go. The OPs parents coming to help seems sensible.

I agree there is a good chance of the operation being moved to another date.

pteradactyl · 30/10/2018 18:47

I'm another one who doesn't see why you cant go to the event. The family won't be home worrying that their relative will die, while you are out, because you'll be home the day of the op anyway. So ok, your DH might still be worrying about it, but he would be even if you were there. I might miss the evening thing and come home the same day though, as if he really is that worried he will probably be awake half the night thinking about it and your presence would make him feel better I think.
Having said all that, it is all a bit dramatic for a minor op. My grandad had a heart bypass twice (or one bypass and some other major heart surgery, I forget) and all the children went about their day at work and waited for a call to update them. I wonder if he wasnt a sahd, would he have gone to work anyway? I imagine most people would, with the caveat that if anything were to happen they would leave immediately.
The not allowed thing would also probably make me instantly decide I was going - I dont like being told what to do like a naughty child. However, having no idea if he has form for this... If he doesn't and he genuinely is very upset, that may just be how it came out when he is looking for support.

chestylarue52 · 30/10/2018 19:03

As a manager of people, if one of my team declined this

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event.

Because their mother in law had a routine operation the next day, I wouldn’t be that impressed.

At the very least, go to the daytime workshop and drive home that evening.

theworldistoosmall · 30/10/2018 19:09

Wow. I cannot believe you turned it down.
You could have gone. Your parents have said they would step in.
There is now a chance that any other long stays he will tell you no, you know in case she dies when you are away. That how you want to live? On hold, until she does die?

SalemBlackCat4 · 31/10/2018 04:04

@UsedBySomebodyAlready I agree with most of the other PPs, you need to take back your decline and GO. What if you lose your job over this? How will you support your family? The op is straight forward and the risk even with age is minimal. What is the risk that if you don't go that your boss may find a way to make you redundant, especially if you rarely see them? Don't as someone else said, be a doormat. You are throwing away a career opportunity (possibly your own job) over something that is so minimal. She could die tomorrow. Then you've declined for no reason. Each of us could die at any moment. Your husband is hysterically using extremes to scare you and manipulate you. Please don't be scared by him. You must go to the event.

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