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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Sauvignonblanket · 30/10/2018 14:12

What @BaldricksCoffee said plus arrange back up childcare so that if all goes well he can go and spend time with his mum after the op if he wants to without it conflicting with your work. It doesn't need to be an either/or situation for anyone unless the worst happens.

If it was me I would probably try and take some time off the afternoon and evening before and do something nice as a family the weekend before to help take his mind off it as well - as long as it was without being pressured to do so. A long time at home all day without adult company is probably giving him lots of time to worry so doing extra to support in the run up might be appreciated (and stop things coming to a head).

Hope the op goes well.

Upslidedown · 30/10/2018 14:12

This is about the manipulation not whether OP should go.

If my DH was struggling with something like this I'd expect him to be honest, own that he was being a bit precious and ask me nicely to not go to work.

Does he use similar tactics often OP?

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 14:15

Is want to be there for my dh and dc rather than at a work event

^ this.

In fact I can't imagine even wanting to go to such an event if this was going on at home.

missbattenburg · 30/10/2018 14:19

I am trying to imagine a scenario in which I face the prospect of my own mother dying and my partner, the person meant to love me, tells me he won't be there for me because there is a 'great opportunity' to meet up with work colleagues that he already sees once or twice a year.

I think it would break my heart.

Of course, your own milage may vary: he might not be very close to his mum or might have previous form for jealousy, for example.

I work remotely myself, so do understand how difficult it can be when all your team are elsewhere. That said, I bloody hate work events like this so could be biased.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 30/10/2018 14:21

This is one of these threads where, if it was reversed, literally no one would be telling the SAHM OP that it was fine for her DH to go to a work event while her mother was having surgery and he might be needed for moral support/childcare.

hello1233 · 30/10/2018 14:22

What's the operation? If you have alternative childcare so that he can see his mum in hospital when she wakes up then there's no issue if it's a routine operation

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 14:23

@SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst I agree.

Original poster
UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 14:25

Thanks for the responses, it gives me food for thought.

It's not an urgent or life threatening op in itself (resetting a bone) but she is very old and frail so she could die. The event is 200 miles away so not easy to get back from in a hurry.

It now transpires he got the date of the op wrong so I would actually be back at lunchtime on the day of the op (with the event being the day/night before) but he doesn't know what time the op is so there's still a problem if it's in the morning.

I will say no to the work event as it's easier all round.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 30/10/2018 14:26

I think this wholly depends on what the operation is. If he is very anxious I think it is fair enough that he wants you to be on hand (to support him through the anxious period as much as anything). Your post makes it sound like you think he's being melodramatic and ridiculous though, which he may be. It's hard to say without more info.

Havaina · 30/10/2018 14:27

What does he mean you're not allowed to go?!

You need a job to pay the bills, this is work event, your parents will be on standby, so you go.

Is he generally quite offensive?

Havaina · 30/10/2018 14:28

*controlling not offensive sorry!

EvaHarknessRose · 30/10/2018 14:28

I think if I was a SAHP and I needed to be there for a parent for a one off operation I would expect my DH to clear the decks and agree to be there. He certainly wouldn’t approach it by arguing - we are respectful of each other.

longestlurkerever · 30/10/2018 14:28

Crossed posts. If he's going to be very anxious in the morning then it still stands I think. If you can compromise and be back late the previous night, perhaps that would work better?

mindutopia · 30/10/2018 14:28

Is he actually planning to be in hospital all day to care for her? Staying overnight at her house, etc? Or is it just that something could always happen and you never know and he might pop into the hospital for 10 minutes after her op just to see how she's doing but otherwise she has his df and other family there doing most of it?

I mean, my dh managed to still do the school run and cook meals and keep everyone alive when I was in hospital having an op. He stayed with me all day and then left to collect dc and came back in the early evening to collect me. We have no family or anyone here to help, so it's just us. If it's a routine op and he won't be with her all day and she has other people to stay with her, cook meals for her, collect her from hospital, then I think he's being a bit dramatic, especially if you have your parents as back up. If she lives alone, he is her only carer, it's a high risk op with a high chance of mortality, then yes, you should probably stay home.

hello1233 · 30/10/2018 14:28

If you'll be back on the morning of the operation then there's no need to cancel work event

Topseyt · 30/10/2018 14:29

What sort of surgery? How big are the risks?

If it is something like open heart surgery, or major neurosurgery then it might well be unreasonable of you to go to the work event and leave him on his own.

If it is relatively minor surgery though then he might be being overly dramatic, but is still worried about his mother. It could still be classed as an understandable reaction.

mindutopia · 30/10/2018 14:30

Can your parents come and collect the dc for the day in the morning then so he can go be at the hospital? Then you can just meet them and take over when you're home midday surely.

diddl · 30/10/2018 14:30

Perhaps make a decision when you know the time of the op?

How old is very old?

AdamNichol · 30/10/2018 14:30

Now the op is cleared up, YANBU. Yes, the mum might die. Just as she might day at any other given moment.
Not to get all sob story, but my dad is in last stages of cancer. He has a DNR. If he were admitted with something urgent, I cannot imagine my DW heading off on a work thingy (though I'd never demand her not to either). He did undertake surgery to provide some relief. Neither of us put our lives on hold at that moment; under the assumption there wasn't really much more risk on that day than the day before or the day after.

Everanewbie · 30/10/2018 14:32

The 'not allowed' bit sounds worrying, however i think you're doing the right thing in cancelling. It may not be logical but it sounds like he needs your support at a difficult time, he just can't phrase it that well. Work is important and I'm sure it'd be fun, but I think your husband and his mother are more important that a networking jolly up.

Oblomov18 · 30/10/2018 14:32

Of course you should go. What operation is it? Honestly it's highly unlikely she'll die isn't it? That sounds nasty and desperate for him to say this. Is he normally a bully?

DamnWhyAreAllTheUsernamesTaken · 30/10/2018 14:33

If this was the other way round everyone would be kicking off - be there for your husband!!! I don’t understand your point of view here, I think it’s really selfish to go on a work do when your family will be worried sick at home.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 14:34

Sorry but YABU even with the update. He is obviously very concerned about his DM. I can't imagine putting work above it. That is also probably how he sees it.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2018 14:34

In that case then OP, you should go to your event.
Don't drink too much and get back as early as you can the next day.
(and again, if it's NHS, and it appears to be non-urgent, then this won't go ahead as planned anyway)

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 14:35

@Oblomov18 Maybe RTFT and you would know.