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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
TheStopAndChat · 31/10/2018 06:18

I will say no to the work event as it's easier all round

Played you like a fiddle. What a shame you accept it to keep the peace. Pretty sure this isn't the first time, right?

Aside from this being an important event career wise, consider the lessons you are teaching your children by being a doormat

batshitbetty · 31/10/2018 06:35

I haven't read the full thread but have read the updates, and there is another option that doesn't seem to have been considered - go to the event, leave at say 9.30/10 and drive home. You'll be back by 12/12.30 and then there is no issue with the op being the next day?

Strictly1 · 31/10/2018 06:35

Wow! If a woman had posted how her husband was putting work - his want to go to a work event - above his wife's need of support there would be posters everywhere saying LTB.

His mum is having an op - she is old, so dying is is not beyond possibilities. But let's forget that and choose to focus on his use of the word allowed which we have, taken out of context.

Yep - LTB - fancy wanting the support of his wife at a stressful time - ridiculous!

Glasgowbound · 31/10/2018 06:54

Nah, women are regularly told it’s fine for their dh to go on a sporting weekend at the time their baby is due as they managed alone when husband worked overseas and they had 17 kids, etc.

TruffleShuffles · 31/10/2018 06:55

This post just reinforces how worthless MILs are on mumsnet. I couldn’t possible go to a non compulsory work event/piss up knowing that the mother of my DH and grandparent to my children was having an operation where she could possibly die. To be honest I don’t think my husband would even have to ask me not to go.

Glasgowbound · 31/10/2018 06:58

She could possibly die everyday. She’s having a bone reset. Better move her in with you to watch 24/7.
When my much loved dm had to have operations I would be thinking of her and waiting nervously for the call afterwards - I was neither there (different country) nor able to take a day of work. Dh being off work too would be a joke.

BarbaraofSevillle · 31/10/2018 07:12

No it shows how little some people understand the importance of doing a good job at work.

Many people on here seem to think work as being a nice optional extra with no appreciation for the need to step up and be a team player. The event may not be 'compulsory' but her absence will be noted by management

If anything does happen to MIL, it will almost certainly be after she is back anyway.

And anyway, it is blatantly obvious that this is all about her DH not wanting her to go on what he sees as a nice jolly with people he doesn't know.

Glasgowbound · 31/10/2018 07:18

I suspect too Barbara that if colleagues know the OP has a sahd looking after the dc, they probably have a greater expectation that she steps up at work as doesn’t have to rush off for childcare. Surely the point of him not working is to facilitate the other partner’s working hours (as dc not there most of the day)
But I understand why she has declined as it’s hard when someone puts the guilt trip on you.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 31/10/2018 07:22

Ah bless you op. I think that you should take back your apologies and go to the meeting. Your husband sounds hard work and I think he’s manipulating you. You have solved all his SAHD problems by roping your parents in to help, I think he’s been dramatic and jealous about your event. Please don’t let him manipulate you.

Havaina · 31/10/2018 07:24

TruffleShuffles

It's the DH who is laying on the guilt that MIL could die, but it's bone reset, not heart surgery.

And the bone reset is the day after OP's event. OP will back by lunchtime so can support her DH then.

Funny how this concerned son couldn't even get the date of the operation right.

Alicatz66 · 31/10/2018 07:25

Would DH decline an event if it was your parent ? If he would that's fair enough

chillpizza · 31/10/2018 07:27

It’s not about it being mil. My dh has what I call work jolly’s (meals and drinks) and it is annoying at times but unless something major was going on say with the children I know he has to go otherwise his career will stop where it is as best or he could actually go down the ranks. I may call it a jolly as it sounds just like a fun night out but really they discuss boring work related things but due to it being outside of work hours they pay for food and a drink or two for the staff that are needed there.

Biancadelriosback · 31/10/2018 07:30

I just wanted to apologise. Yesterday when I commented my app wasn't showing the last chunk of the thread so I didn't see your update re the bone setting op. I take back my comments completely.

waterrat · 31/10/2018 07:36

God OP please go to the event! You are the family earner you need to keep your job and do well at it. It's a normal operation not high risk.

Prometheus · 31/10/2018 08:05

Of course you have to go to the work event! You can’t sabotage your career over a small operation. Ask your parents to help out if they have offered. If she dies, you’ll be back at lunchtime so can comfort your husband. And the kids won’t need comforting until school ends as they won’t know if anything has happened until that point.

Girlsnightin · 31/10/2018 08:13

You need to go. These events are very important in terms of raising your profile making connections. Especially as you work remotely I'd say it's vital. I'm in a similar situation to you and I would go.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2018 08:15

I think declining the event is really unwise. It could have serious effects further down the line on your employment and it will certainly be noted by management.

easyandy101 · 31/10/2018 08:16

If it was an essential work do it wouldn't be erm... optional?

Lindtnotlint · 31/10/2018 08:20

Go! By the time she gets out of the op you will be pretty much back. I am with other managers who would think “My MIL is having a fairly minor operation the following day” is an absolutely bizarre reason to miss something like this.

TheStopAndChat · 31/10/2018 08:49

If it was an essential work do it wouldn't be erm... optional?

LOL, you don't work do you @easyandy Grin

It's a minor procedure and the OP will probably be back before the MIL is back on the ward. The DH should absolutely be supporting the OP especially knowing she'll be straight there as soon as she can. With only one adult working the career is pretty important and, when the OP has offered solutions to help (ie her parents) and he's STILL being obstructive, I'd be mighty suss at the whole set up

BlueSuffragette · 31/10/2018 08:56

Go to the day time event. If the operation gets cancelled in the meantime then book to stay the night too.

BirdieInTheHand · 31/10/2018 08:59

Go to the event.

I have a feeling that this time next year you're going to be very grateful for the independence that your job gives you

RainbowsArePretty · 31/10/2018 09:47

I would go to the event & get the earliest travel home on the day if the operation. I would also ask your DPs to be on standby to help with the DC in the morning if your husband needs help ie if he is taking his DM to the hospital that morning

Categoric · 31/10/2018 10:24

I would leave a man who told me that I ‘wasn’t allowed’ to do anything.

Obviously, I am a dreadful person but I would go to the event and drive back that same night so I was available to support my DH the next day. It’s a scheduled operation, not emergency life changing surgery. Your DH sounds ridiculously over dramatic. He sounds like he has too much time on his hands and could do with getting a job.

Oh and btw, I do not for one moment think that your DH becoming a SAHD was a mutual decision. He merely allowed you to agree with him.

SilverySurfer · 31/10/2018 17:34

Now the DC are at school perhaps your 'D'H needs to find himself a job to occupy him and keep his mind off of the demise or otherwise of his DM.