or is DH, about this work event?

[UsedBySomebodyAlready]

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

This would set alarm bells ringing for me.

Is your DH controlling in any other aspect of your life, OP? Financially or socially?

Has he ever had a problem before now with you seeing friends/family/colleagues without him?

Sorry OP Just read your update, you should go to the event.

Likeshyt well put.

Definitely agree with the emotional blackmail comment.
I wonder what he would have done in your position...

I think in your position I would go OP, being visible at work events after a restructure is important and sadly networking is part of getting on in the workplace, especially when you work remotely. I would attend and make my excuses to leave before the meal/drinks part of the evening. You say that you don't often see your team so could missing this event be seen as you not really being arsed to go to a work event at all? Will it impact on your reputation at work when it comes time for promotions or other opportunities coming down the line?

The fact is that you have one wage coming in and tough choices may need to be made to keep that income secure. I may be biased though as I work remotely and it is seen as a easy number by some because I work from home, but the reality is that I am isolated sometimes and have to work harder to be "seen", I think go to the workshop part of the day, make yourself know and seen and skip the meal part, home early but have childcare in place for the school run to support your husband.

I'd go. What good are you sat at home worrying with them. As long as there is a good childcare plan in place then you'll be fine.

"The guy has a frail elderly mother having an operation, "

Yes- & he expects what from Op?

To look after the kids if she dies?

Presumably that's because he wouldn't be able to?

So they can be looked after someone else until Op can get there.

If that makes me cold hearted, so be it.

Everyone can't be on hold "just in case".

Being a sahd makes him flexible in terms of being able to wait at the hospital/be there straight after the op.

This would set alarm bells ringing for me

Alarm bells that your DH would like you to be there when his DM is having surgery, which for her could be serious?

I don't know many people that would under the circumstances think of going to a non compulsory event.

Good post badirene

Honestly it's highly unlikely she'll die isn't it? That sounds nasty and desperate for him to say this. Is he normally a bully?

Whether it is likely or unlikely she will die that's what he feels. If this was a woman saying she was worried about her elderly Mum having an operation and wanted her DH with her for emotional support I doubt anyone would call her a bully.

Whether it is likely or unlikely she will die that's what he feels. If this was a woman saying she was worried about her elderly Mum having an operation and wanted her DH with her for emotional support I doubt anyone would call her a bully.

Exactly. There havd been threads like this in reverse where the Dh/DP going have been called all sorts of stuff!

"and wanted her DH with her for emotional support "

I thought that he wanted her there to look after the kids if necessary?

He's emotionally blackmailing you. While there's always a risk that someone might die during surgery, it's incredibly small. His mum is more likely to die every time she crosses the road. And while the risk is higher for frail elderly patients, that's countered by the fact that doctors weigh up that risk against the importance of the surgery. They're not going to do something like resetting a broken bone if they think there's a good chance it might kill her! OP I would look seriously at your husband's attitude to your freedom. The bit about you being 'not allowed' to go is worrying.

I think you've been played OP.

He clearly didn't want you to go.

All this over a small OP to reset a bone?? Nah, not buying it.

diddl I think he wants emotional support more than practical support i.e. childcare, i just think he is (like a lot of men) finding it difficult to express this.

I don't know how important the OP's event is, but in my experience of these things they tend to be a glorified drinking session, particularly if it is an overnight job.

I know it's a touch cliched on here to say if this were a reverse situation, but a sahm was feeling worried and asked that her husband gave the event a miss in order to provide support and childcare in the worst case scenario, most people would side with her.

If your parents are happy to step in and you will be back by the time she is likely to be in or coming out etc then you should go to your event.

If you had been a sahm with a parent undergoing surgery and help for the dc from ils then I expect your replies would have been you wbu to stop your dp from attending a work event.

I dont agree.
If this was a reverse and the man, as the sole earner in the house, was to have to go to an event that is really important like this one (seeing that the OP only sees the rest if team a couple of times a year and hasn’t met some of the management, it IS a really important day), then the woman wouod Be told that actually it was essential for him to be there because of the potential impact it could have on his job.

Thee wouldn’t be any ‘oh but she needs support’. She wouod Be told to put her big knickers on and eat with it.

All the stories about the man not going to an important meeting for work (Esp when it’s only twice a year!!) is whishful thinking from a lot of the posters.

I believe this applies in this case too.
Here has been no attempt from herbDH to find an alternative solution. Just that he wants her there so she has to .
Seein the economical instability we ar walking into, I wouod WANT to make myself seen and heard by management. Not forgotten because I’m never physically there and can’t be bothered to turn to one of the two events in the year when I can meet people.

They won’t let him sit with his mum before . No one wants a man sitting holding His mums hand in the middle of a female orthopaedic ward.

And he won’t get to be with her in recovery afterwards .

And he won’t know what time the Op is until the day before . The surgeon won’t sort out her list until then. They usually put bigger cases first .

I think he’s emotionally blackmailing you. These social events are very important for remote workers , it’s not the same as missing a Friday night down the pub when you all work together every day.

And btw, I wouod have issues about him putting a dictat about you not going, then using his dmother as a reason, getting the dates mixed and then not knowingly at what time the op will be.
That’s a LOT of not knowing, getting mixed, all conveniently going in his direction....

I hope the OP will be back and hasn’t told work yet she isn’t going.....
So she can Read other posts , incl those going in her favour.

@MyBrexitIsIll Are you referring to a different forum? On Mumsnet men get slated for putting work before family all the time! There's a very similar thread in reverse on the main page right now.

This is bollocks. Of course you're free to make whatever decision you like, but you've passed up the chance to advance your career because your MIL is having an operation that day, when your parents have offered to help?

On one hand, it is always good to support your partner, but you make him sound manipulative and dramatic. He's not allowing you to go?! And because he is half expecting his mother to die? Elderly people survive operations all the time. Are there any other examples of his negative behaviour, or is he normally a reasonable person?

If he is normally a good husband I'd put it down to stress and maybe he really does need you there. If he has a history of trying to stop you socializing or any kind of jealousy or bitterness, I'd think twice about declining.

@WitchesWeb He wouldn't just like her to be there though, would he. He said she wasn't allowed to go. He wasn't open to the alternative childcare arrangements that OP went to the lengths to arrange.

He's shut down discussion on the topic, which is not indicative of an equally balanced marriage, imo.

You need to think about your career, op. Your husband is being manipulative and supremely ridiculous.

You should go to the event.

Would love to know how old she is!