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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH, about this work event?

197 replies

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 30/10/2018 13:43

I am employed full time, my DH is not (I'm sorry I don't know the PC term but he's a SAHD and both our children are school age)

I work remotely from the rest of my team so I only see my boss a few times a year, and only see the rest of my team maybe once or twice a year. At the end of November there's a big event which is a day's workshop with an evening meal/networking event. It's a really good opportunity for me not just to see my team / boss but my whole chain of management (recent restructure means I haven't met them yet) and I really want to go.

My DH has said I'm not allowed to go as his mother is due to have an operation that day, and she might die, and if she does then I will need to look after the children.

There are other options (like my parents coming to stay, just in case), and of course there is the possibility that the operation will be cancelled/moved and also the possibility that she doesn't die, so I'm not sure if IABU to be annoyed with him.

We've just had a big row about it and I feel awful because he keeps being quite manipulative about his mother dying.

I just need some perspective from people outside the situation so thank you in advance!

OP posts:
chillpizza · 31/10/2018 17:38

Lol at optional. My dh and I get invited to work events. It’s not really an invite it’s a demand if we rejected the invite he would be seen as very unprofessional and his loyalty/work ethic to the job put under question. He certainly wouldn’t be given opportunity’s to progress within the company and likely the industry as a whole as it would be known that Mr Chill wasn’t a team player who could be relied upon.

Loopytiles · 31/10/2018 18:33

What a lovely organisation that must be, especially for parents. Wonder how many senior women they have who are mothers?

longestlurkerever · 31/10/2018 20:44

There's a balance really, isn't there? I'm always a bit Hmm at people who put work commitments on some kind of pedestal because ultimately we all have to balance a range of commitments and sometimes you just have to live with the fact something might be less than 100% ideal for your reputation at work. On the other hand never being able to put work first is shit and stressful and in a relationship everyone needs to pull their weight to enable careers to progress. This is unfortunate timing because it falls in a grey area.

chillpizza · 31/10/2018 20:52

loopy it’s around 50/50 women and men in manager roles for that company. In mine the women slightly outstrip the men

MulticolourMophead · 31/10/2018 21:16

OP my own DM is dying, a few days left possibly.

Go to the event. You are the sole wage earner and work remotely, you need to remain visible with your team and now the new management for your career.

You'll be back on the day, and have alternative plans for childcare.

It's not like you are always putting work first, which we often see.

Cuckooclocks · 31/10/2018 21:26

I think I’d rather be home to support DH and be there for kids. It’s not ONLY if she dies that he will need you, I imagine he will be worried sick all day until he hears she will be ok.

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/10/2018 22:44

sounds to me like he just didn't want you to go and used emotional manipulation to achieve that.
It's bone resetting-not a heart bypass.
He claims to be so worried yet didn't even have the correct date of the op - and once you worked around that the unknown time of the op is an issue!

do you ever go for nights out with or without him?

both our children are school age
if they're in full time school then perhaps you need to rethink his role as a 'full time' SAHD.

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2018 22:53

OP I WFH remotely for a team I don’t see much in person. What would be reasonable if you were office-based (sorry, unfortunate timing, MIL has a big operation, I can’t be available that day) is TOTALLY different when you WFH. I’ve just had to say yes to a short-notice engagement myself for this very reason.

Email the organiser (and your boss) back, say you’d like to remain on the invites list but there is a chance you may need to cancel short notice. Get your parents to come the night before to sort the DC the morning of the operation, be back by lunchtime.

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2018 22:55

You lost me at “not allowed”.

WhyAmISoCold · 31/10/2018 22:58

You were far too quick to cancel. Your parents being there was a viable option. Your DH just doesn't want you going away.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 23:06

if they're in full time school then perhaps you need to rethink his role as a 'full time' SAHD

Do you say that on all threads with a SAHM with school age DC?

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/10/2018 23:37

Do you say that on all threads with a SAHM with school age DC?
If i believe it's an issue -yes.

Hit a nerve did i?

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 23:41

Hit a nerve did i?

Nope

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/11/2018 00:43

I'd stay with Hubby.

chestylarue52 · 01/11/2018 02:36

I think I’d rather be home to support DH and be there for kids. It’s not ONLY if she dies that he will need you, I imagine he will be worried sick all day until he hears she will be ok.

OPs work event is THE DAY BEFORE the operation. She can go to the daytime workshop, drive home and be home all day for the operation.

chestylarue52 · 01/11/2018 02:39

If you work remotely and you see your boss twice a year, and you haven’t met your bosses management team, and a day is organised for you all to meet and work together, you should make every effort to go.

The evening, drinking and meal is optional.

Go to the event, drive back in the evening, support your partner the day after, on the day of his mother’s operation.

speakingtruthfully · 01/11/2018 03:12

You should support him at this time , family should come first.
But then I can never see the point in socialising with work people so I may be wrong.

chestylarue52 · 01/11/2018 03:31

It’s not a social event, it’s a daytime workshop with a social evening event. The daytime workshop can be attended the day before the operation. There’s no reason not to go.

Loopytiles · 01/11/2018 07:17

chillpizza but what proportion of the women are senior and mothers? And what proportion of the senior men are fathers? I bet the stats for the former aren’t good.

Girlsnightin · 01/11/2018 07:21

This is one of the reasons women don't hit that glass ceiling.
Any man would be attending both events without hesitation.
If you're serious about your career you need to attend both.
The evening is just important as the day do. So much business talk will continue into the night. You network and raise your profile. Do not scurry

Girlsnightin · 01/11/2018 07:22

Off due to a domestic (non) issue.

BarbaraofSevillle · 01/11/2018 07:31

^Any man would be attending both events without hesitation.
If you're serious about your career you need to attend both.
The evening is just important as the day do. So much business talk will continue into the night. You network and raise your profile. Do not scurry^

^^ This. Also that the event is 200 miles away, so if the OP does come home in the evening rather than attend the evening event and stay over, she will probably get home very late and be driving tired.

The company has been generous enough to put on an evening event, which could be part of the whole thing, so yes, she should attend really. She's also said she really wants to go and it seems that it's only her DH laying on the guilt that's stopping her.

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