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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

231 replies

rantingmother · 29/10/2018 18:27

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

OP posts:
RicStar · 29/10/2018 18:32

I think the key thing here is that you do not enjoy being a sahm and feel trapped. I think if you felt more valued and happy the understandable niggles with Dh job would be less.

overagain · 29/10/2018 18:34

Yanbu

prettywhiteguitar · 29/10/2018 18:37

God this is boiling my piss just reading it, how you live with him I don’t know YANBU

blackteasplease · 29/10/2018 18:39

I found an after school nanny on childcare.co.uk (other sites are available!). She brings her son 3 days out of 5 which means she's a bit cheaper.

He is taking the piss a bit with the extra days but not sure how you can insist. Better to make your own arrangements to get back to work if he's that intransigent.

Whyohsky · 29/10/2018 18:40

Ha - he’s got it made! You may as well be a single parent and him pay you maintenance as he appears to be contributing fuck all else to the family.

Wheelerdeeler · 29/10/2018 18:41

Childcare is a family expense. Not just your wages. Get a nanny. He'll have to pay. You deserve a career

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2018 18:43

This isn't about being away for a couple more days, though, is it? It's about you being very unhappy with your domestic set up

YABU to insist that he changes his job. YANBU to sit down together to agree how things should work - I'm a SAHM at the moment, but DH doesn't agree to travel without discussing it with me first, Usually it's not a problem, but occasionally it is and he has to re-arrange his plans. It's still not ideal, but helps reduce some of the resentment I have that I am left child-wrangling whilst he is eating out in lovely restaurants and seeing interesting bits of the world

(I know business travel isn't all fun and games, I've done plenty of my own in the past, but it isn't quite the same as being the one literally holding the baby)

Oblomov18 · 29/10/2018 18:44

You have big relationship problems.
But the issues that relate to you, on your own: do you lack confidence? Why couldn't you get another job? A part time one? Why have you not got a back up? Not one friend? No online babysitting services? Nothing. Come on......🙄

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2018 18:48

YANBU. He’s treating you like unpaid staff and he’s completely taking the piss. You’re not currently working on as a team because he’s doing his only thing and you’re being stuck holding the babies and keeping the household ticking over.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2018 18:49

You have one school aged child

Is it really that hard to find part time work to fit around him?

Not a dig btw, but a genuine question.

BlueBug45 · 29/10/2018 18:50

Tell him if he wants to stay married in the long term he should fly out on a Monday.

Your OH hasn't realised being in a relationship with children means he has to compromise on his job choices. He doesn't realise that if he pissed you off too much in the long term your resentment will lead to you splitting up.

I suggest you try talking to him seriously after this trip and if he doesn't seem to hear you that flying away every month isn't acceptable in your relationship, go to relationship counseling.

Btw I'm talking as someone who use to work away a lot and has to have proper discussions on what my OH is happy to accept regularly to make sure he is happy. I also have male siblings whose wives made it clear that until their children were 16 they couldn't work away from home unless they wanted to be single again.

LexieLulu · 29/10/2018 18:50

Do you have a good relationship when he is home? He sounds like doesn't really care for his family

Creepyexgirlfriend · 29/10/2018 18:57

He's got it made hasn't he, flies out away from all the drudgery, staying in a hotel and getting plenty of sleep while you do the dull in, day out. You need to spell it out to him just how unhappy you are, how isolating this is for you and that you are more than just a SAHP. ( I'm a SAHP, so no shade on that, but my husband turned down jobs that required travel and is home by 6.30 pm, I'm not a skivvy, I'm an intelligent and educated woman and I expect that to be appreciated). Then there needs to be a workable solution that suits both of you, not just him. Bringing in the cash is not the be all.

pigeondujour · 29/10/2018 18:58

What conversation did you have with him at the point at which you decided to stop work and be a SAHM to school age children? Was he keen? Did you tell him you weren't doing it out of choice but because his job was making your life as it was unfeasible?

SomeKnobend · 29/10/2018 19:04

Your life is lived to facilitate his life, there's 1 person in this marriage and 1 assistant. He has no regard for you, your career, your feelings, your wishes. You've sacrificed a whole lot and all it's done is to serve your dh better, and he isn't even grateful or considerate. I think it's time to ask him for brutal honesty, does he want a reciprocal partnership, or is he Justin this for the convenience.

SomeKnobend · 29/10/2018 19:05

And listen to his actions and behaviour, not his words!

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 19:06

Why is it entirely your responsibility to pay for childcare? This man lives like a single bloke.

NinonDeLenclos · 29/10/2018 19:10

Tell him if he wants to stay married in the long term he should fly out on a Monday

This.

rantingmother · 29/10/2018 19:12

@Oblomov18 I don’t have any friends now as worked over an hour away and my friends are still in the city I worked in. I am trying to make friends.
Thanks @blackteasplease I’ll take a look.

@WorraLiberty I am listed with local agencies for PT work apparently I’m overqualified for working PT in the jobs that come up in my area (small town). Small town also massively reduces childcare options.

I do feel like a prisoner in my home. The conversation we had prior to me quitting work went along the lines of if I keep leaving work before my own team (I being their manager) it’s not going to keep going is it. And if I have to keep cleaning everything and sorting childcare blah blah. Anyway his answer was get a cleaner and don’t work. I quit the next day, looking back I think I was having a breakdown, it was on a day I failed to get up for work and Id never been late due to reasons caused by myself. I was so exhausted I just didn’t wake up. The nanny came and her ringing the doorbell woke me up and I ended up calling in to wfh and knew I had to rethink everything. I also worked very long hours and always felt guilty dc only saw us at the weekends.

Feel like a fool now. Should have called in sick or something. I literally ran away from it.

I know I need to sort this out and it’s not just the bloody trip but the trip has boiled my blood today. He’s not home yet, I’m trying to calm down to have a civilised conversation about it when he is.

OP posts:
puguin86 · 29/10/2018 19:12

Why doesn't he pay for the nanny and let you go back to work.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 29/10/2018 19:12

Private School.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 29/10/2018 19:12

I'd honestly LTB over this is he isn't willing to change it.

pigeondujour · 29/10/2018 19:14

Yeah in that case he's being an absolute cunt. It sounds hideous for you.

MyBrexitIsIll · 29/10/2018 19:16

Stop living your life around him.
If you hate been a SAHM so much (and I can really understand that one!), go back to work.
Do t ask your DH if he is ok with it. Just do it.
Take a nanny, a cleaner and whatever else you do need so it works. And makes it clear it’s your and your DH responsibility to pay for it. Not just yours iyswim.

Atm he has no care in the world.
The very big problem there is that you are going to get more and more ressentful of been stuck at home whilst he is out having fun.
The real risk is that you end having enough and want out. You’ll be better with a job.

Seriously, don’t bother pleading with him to stay for the weekend so he can see his own dcs.
But think about your know life and what you want for it. And then just do it!

Quartz2208 · 29/10/2018 19:25

he really is an arse OP - get your life sorted how you want and stop enabling him

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