To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

You need to talk to him about whats more important, family or career. If its family then he may need to change job even if it means less money. Don't know what your lifestyle's like but it may mean downsizing, smaller house, old car, less social etc

Had a colleague who declined promotions when his daughter came along so he could stay at home more. Just meant his career stagnated, they didn't go out much, had the same car for years etc but they were happy and he got to go see her grow up.

I wouldn’t discuss it tonight. I doubt he will bring it up, but if he does, tell him it’s in his best interest to change the conversation because if you discuss this tonight he will not like what you have to say.

Give yourself some thinking space.

He is being a complete and utterly selfish bellend. He really is.

You need to think about what YOU want, really want, before you talk to him.

He appears not to care about YOU, what you want, what you need, how you feel...but, do you really think that’s the case? Have you told him you don’t enjoy being a SAHM? Was his ‘Don’t work then’ a loving gesture of ‘It sounds stressful, I can financially support us if you want to quit’ or was it a ‘Don’t work then, I’ll support us and you can do everything else so I can climb my ladder’.

Do you still WANT to be married to the man he is now? (Not about DC, not about finances, not about practicality) do you still WANT to be married to him?

Do you want a job like your old one? (Ignore practicalities for now). Work wise, what do you want?

Take the time to think about what you want, then what you need to happen to make that happen.

Don’t bother talking to him until after that. It’s pointless

I disagree with the posts that say it is just a case of you going to work and all will be fine. No it won't. Because he will still think he is entitled to trot in and out of your lives at will, to do what he pleases and be selfish. You working won't change that, and could make it worse.

You are living separate lives. Not in tune, not on the same team and the respect he has for you is so limited he can't even check his dates and whether this works for you.

I would not put up with it. Give him three months to find a new job that does not involve travelling (oversee this process yourself if you have to), in the meantime no jollies, no travel without talking to you first. At least one weekend afternoon he takes his child out and puts some energy into his family.

Find a nanny and a cleaner and look for a new job.

I would also book counselling, he has to really put some effort and love into his relationship

I have offered for both of us to work PT it would mean taking a household pay cut but imo be worth it. I’ve also said can he request flexible working hours at work so he can help more. He said it will affect his career if he does. He works for a huge company. I don’t really care if he doesn’t go any higher in his career anymore. Not since it’s at the expense of mine. Unfortunately he does earn a lot more than me otherwise he could bloody well stay at home.

I am enabling him. I just don’t know how to fix it all. He’s home now. Checking his emails as he’s walked in. I literally cannot be bothered. I’m now watching Netflix. Feel like an idiot tbh. Like where the hell did I go. I was a confident intelligent person.

Can you find a school hours job at least for you? I've got a good employer who lets me take unpaid leave in holidays if needed (could also take them in). Can't solve his job, I'm used to a travelling spouse, but he always checks if it's over a weekend first

DH and I both had full on jobs but I had to do the all/nearly all of the day to day work as his job involved travel.

Yes it was hard work especially when the trip was more than mon-fri which they often were (longest 3 months no leave, no chance to meet up) and I was at breaking point often. But we got through it and are now reaping the benefits. This was very much a we are a team scenario with the nanny paid out of joint funds, all our funds were joint then.

Are you sure you want him to step of the career ladder or to take a demotion?

Sounds like the 'stay at home mum' blues. You need to talk to someone (not Mumsnet) before you start resenting him for having a career while you've paused yours for the family and resenting the children for stopping your career. Being a mum is a big job, an important job, don't undervalue it.
As for his trip, if whatever he's off to starts on Monday then he'll need to go Sunday at the latest, preferably Saturday. Just be glad he's not if the forces, heading off as short notice.

Of course he's not going to put a dampner on the travel, or take another job, or step up and do even 25% of his fair share "because it would affect his career". He's got you 100% subsumed into the role of taking care of the family and kids, without your consent.

The root cause of all of this, OP is: your DH wants to have his family and for it to not affect his freedom and career.

He's willing to throw your freedom and career under the bus to further that aim.

I wouldn't, couldn't, be with a man who's done this. I wouldn't want to show that it's an acceptable way to treat your life partner to any DDs or DSs.

My only advice is suck up and fulfill the role he's backed you into a corner on, or leave - can you imagine what would happen to his family and career if you decided that you wanted equal access to his no-responsibilities diary management and career options...? It would result in a total breakdown of the family - because he's been letting you fill in the gap with absolutely no regard for the cost to you. I think it would be quicker to leave - you're not going to have much respect left for this man in another couple of years of being an unwilling SAHP, you might as well get it over quickly.

So sorry this is happening OP I lost my sense of self after my first dc, but I was encouraged to go back to work and had help sorting childcare etc. That’s what you need. You need a partner who will ‘enable YOU’ to find yourself again. However your dh isn’t doing that, he’s just interested in what HE wants, he’s being incredibly selfish and self centred with no thought to your happiness or well being.

Things need to change, and to change a lot! And if he won’t help you, then you need to think about doing it for yourself. Could you move back towards your family and friends? Trust me, somehow, when you don’t have to look after and enable a man child, life becomes easier. You can apply for benefits for childcare whilst you work, you get child maint from the ex and eow free to peruse what YOU want. Good luck

BigFatLiar Sorry but that's a fuck1ng terrible piece of advice - OP is an unwilling SAHM, and saying it's the "blues" diminishes the validity of what she's feeling. It is entirely normal and in proportion to feel resentful, angry, depressed at what the OP's partner has done - undermined and relegated her freedoms and career to massive shove her down and ensure he progresses (and has similar levels of responsibility as being a single person).
Shame on you for suggesting the OP is the one who needs to revisit her feelings. They are entirely valid!

it's also not what the OP ever signed up to - if you marry someone in the forces, being away will usually be a part of that. the sneaky introduction of travelling away so that it becomes impossible to fill family needs and her work is absolutely nothing like marrying a partner who's in the forces.

I would -book or pretend to book something Saturday . Tell him he had to leave Monday.
Have a serious discussion and say you feel bottom priority and taken for granted. You can’t promose any marriage would survive years of this. He can think about this and change the dynamic or you can continue to feel more and more like life would be better without him.

Are you basing the childcare cost discussion on family finances? If as a family you can afford childcare then book it now. Spend the savings if it means saving your marriage.

I wouldn’t be married to this man personally. He’d have changed or been asked to leave. When on mat leave I am not default parent, I parent during the work day. Once I stop breastfeeding every thing else is up for discussion, my husband has been made very clear that he can’t make plans assuming I’m around to parent 24/7.

@BigFatLiar I went out of my way to marry someone who didn’t travel. He declined other jobs previously because of the travel. He’s been at this one 5 years and they’ve now said he has to travel all the time.
I don’t need to be grateful he’s not in the forces because I went out of my way to ensure when I brought dc into the world it was going to be two parents raising them not 1.5 or 1. My dad travelled extensively. He would wake up get a call and that was it, see you later off abroad I go. I planned for this not to happen. It’s not a career that you need to travel in, he just happens to work in a company who’s branching out into other countries so it takes his job to the new offices. He’s on enough money that yes I don’t care if his career stops at this point. (6 figures is more than enough to ‘survive’ on.

So now that his job entails lengthy travel periods yes I am resentful. I’ve never stopped him going anywhere but now I’m thinking maybe I’ve been wrong to never put my foot down properly. I also realise that him telling me what’s the point in getting nanny, dc so much happier now and everything works better (he disliked having the nanny) etc makes me realise I do actually have to decide to go back to work by myself and for myself. And then sort him out after that happens.

I would not respect my husband if he made demands because he was unhappy with his work. I think you need to separate the two issues and rather than blame, seek next steps.

Hi OP my husband travels. He always has but as he has climbed the career ladder he is away more. I just wanted to say I totally understand your resentment. I work (4 days) and have help from family but it's still bloody hard when he's away, and the kids seem to plan being ill when he's not there. I have kind of put my career progression on hold for personal and health reasons as well as home life, and I like my job and it's not too stressful. My husband earns almost double what I do and he does make an effort when he is around (eg will do more than 50pc of nursery drop offs and pick ups and night wakings etc)...and I still find it hard not to be pissed off when he casually announces that he's away for 2 weeks over my birthday. I think it's the fact he doesn't acknowledge that those 2 weeks are going to be much harder for me than normal. He says it's just his job, but I am unable to fully do just my job to its full extent when he's away (eg I can't stay late when required) and there is no acknowledgement that me being at home enables him to travel. He does understand if I tell him so I'm not really sure what I want him to do....other than not travel so much!

Not really sure that's much help and I know our situations are quite different but I just wanted to say I understand why you're so frustrated

OP just because he earns twice as much now doesn't always mean it is always going to be that way. Some of my SILs out earn my brothers' - one by a hell of a lot - but initially my brothers' earned 2-4 times as much as them. However they see marriage as a partnership, and if you can facilitate the other partner to fulfil some of their career goals you both end up being better off. Also if you get your career back on track you both have a better buffer if something goes wrong with his e.g. redundancy.

You need to book couple counselling. He is not listening to you and doesn’t respect you.

If you do this for much longer it will kill your sense of self and -dime to a dollar - he will have an affair. Take action now and sort out your family for your kids.

Book in couple counselling and go every week til you get this sorted. He won’t listen to you on your own. By the time he finally listens it will be too late.

He’s on over £100K a year yet you can’t sort out a replacement nanny?

Don’t bother making this one flight your battleground. Let him go.

Spend time working out that you want for you. Sounds like you want a fulfilling job out of the home. If so, sort out the new nanny and go all out for that job again.

Then when the waters are less muddy, decide whether the marriage is fixable or not.

I feel furious for you. Tell him it's getting too much for you, it's negatively affecting your life and relationship, and that if he doesn't start to seriously look for something else then your relationship may end up in real danger. This isn't on. I'd be thinking of leaving him to be honest.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. I often fly to the US for work commitments and you absolutely have to fly out on Saturday evening at the latest to have some time to ground yourself before starting work on Monday morning. You need to focus on the big overall picture and that you are not happy with the current setup. Either you sit down and have an adult conversation about how all of this is making you feel or start to look at if you would be happier out of the relationship.

How about letting him go this week end and book yourself a nice spa break or trip away to see a long lost friend (with overnight accommodation) next Friday evening until Monday afternoon.

Tell him when he returns he's on full time parental duty whilst you have your own time, like he's had his. And make sure you go leaving all of the housework, cooking and washing for him to do as it's your break and you deserve it.

I think he might have sabotaged your career on purpose in the first place. It's not just about him wanting the WifeNKids as props to his image of himself as the Successful Family Man without having to do his share of the domestic work - there are some men who are focussed on finding a successful, confident woman and turning her into a domestic servant, because that's 'proof' of their male superiority. The more successful the woman, the more potent the man's Mighty Dick is once she's quiet, submissive and compliant.

(It's the fact that this prick is so resistant to anything that might make OP's life better, such as hiring a nanny or a cleaner, which makes me think he is invested in the idea of OP being his obedient servant.)

Going away will give you a bit of space to sort out what you want, how to get it and some re-charging time.
And give him a tiny taste of what being a stay at home parent when your partner is away actually involves.
You must remember to expect all the housework etc done to your usual standard when you return, genuinely, not facetiously.

The thing that stands out to me is you made an impulsive move to leave your job - all be it because you were on a knife edge. But you've ended up in a position you don't like.

I'd recommend to not fight this specific trip all be it let him know you're royally pissed off. Whatever anyone on MN says sometimes you don't have to react immediately to bring the thread to a closure and maybe another impulsive reaction for him to leave his job/go back to work/LTB isn't the best for you.

Take some time to work out what you want - next 6 months, next year, next 5, next 10 - even of some of that is vague at least start getting some ideas together or areas you want to investigate. Do you want to go back to your old job, retrain, or whatever. Then work out what that means for your family - joint finances to fund support, move to somewhere with more PT options, find a job with less travel for him, whatever it is.

Then when you do talk you know what you're aiming for - not just something 'different' from the current mess. Only you know if that talk needs a counsellor to mediate or whether he'll listen.