To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

This rings massive alarm bells with me.
My friend put up with this for 20 years.
He was earning massive amounts, kept her short, by the end he was only coming home for a few days a year.
Not only did he have another woman, he had invested huge amounts in property overseas in his and ow's joint names, put lots into offshore accounts and he screwed her over in the divorce.
He used my friend when he needed a corporate wife in order to climb his career ladder.

I might be going against the grain here...do you have one school aged child, therefore your time is pretty much to do with what you want for the majority of the day Mon -Fri?

YANBU. I travel for work to the USA and other far away places and wouldn't go on the Saturday usually. Sunday, or Monday preferably and that's not cos I wouldn't fancy a day or two in NYC to hang out with colleagues and sightsee and adjust to the jet lag before the office bit starts, it's cos we have two kids now and it's not fair on DP for me to so that. When we're both at home everything is shared 50/50 too on the home/kids front. I think you're DP is taking the mickey...

I don't wish to be a downer, but you quit work because you also had to do everything else and it was all getting too much for you. Nothing seems to have changed since then. Just going back to work won't solve anything as you'll struggle with the same issues again.

He’s asked me to wait until we move house as we’re selling ours at the moment.

That would ring alarm bells. I’d be wondering about an affair?!

They payment for the hotel is weird - he shouldn't be out of pocket. If he travels all the time he should either have a corporate card to pay for stuff ( ours is compulsory if you spend a certain amount of travel a year, £2k or similar so low) OR work pre-pays the hotel room and flights.
Somethings up with that. Maybe's he's been spunking money on frivolous stuff and doesn't want you to know. It's amazing how much cash a bloke can get through at a high end strip club in NYC or a casino night out with colleagues.

This says affair to me too. Sorry OP.
Missing money.
Not letting you into the office.
Early flights.
Never home.
Asking you to wait untill the house is complete.
Why? So it's an amicable split incase you find out and file for divorce on the base of adultery?
I think he is more organised than you would like to think he is.

People may think I'm jumping the gun, but the more you write the more things sound fishy.
Be careful and do some digging.

OP he's a serial bull shitter, the circumstances he's presenting to you at best are not 100% factual, they can't be, people and companies do not operate like this. He is hiding something - affair, debt or something.

He’s got form as well for getting up in the morning and saying oh I forgot I’m going to this country today then pegs it to the airport hops onto a plane that morning and I’m not long out of bed before I’ve realised he’s actually gone for the next few days.

He does what?!

@Endofthelinefinally ok your post has scared me a bit.
God I’m so angry today. Think I will have to use this anger to do something useful with everything!

@Sowhatifidosnore good point. Think I’m going to use his days away to dig some statements out and see what’s actually going on.

Just like to say, that's not what I do, but some of my younger male colleagues in particular have spent $1,000's acting like the big man in a fancy club/casino/or up market strip place on their free evenings. Like $5/7k PLUS ... it's actually not that hard if you go somewhere that serves fizz or bottles of spirits only in a VIP area...

He’s a proper artful dodger, isn’t he? A riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a suit.

I would put money on him lying about the travel (this weekend and the “oops I forget I need to travel”), on him lying about the finances and on him saying whatever it takes to shit you up about a job.

Are you in love with this man? Do you really want to work things out? Because I’d spend this weekend digging into his finances and speaking to a lawyer.

Don’t worry, if you divorce, he’s currently in the worst possible situation, maybe hold off on that job until you know if you’re staying in the marriage.

@chestylarue52 trust me this is exactly why I think I feel like I have to go back to work. He just could not have done that when I had a job, he has a bloody secretary. He must know he’s going!

Re selling the house - if I were you I'd want to move back to be close to jobs, friends and the town where you were. Have you got an offer in on anything? If so, will it make your situation better or worse?

He is an arse.

The last time mine went to the US over the weekend for "business" it was so he could spend four days in 5* luxury with his girlfriend alongside his Monday meeting. I questioned the strange timing and the short notice of the trip at the time; fluff answers to justify it all but then I found the emails.

Yanbu sounds annoying

Have you tried advertising for an after school nanny?

I am in a London so higher concentration but found it to be the best way to get one

Lol at RhiWhite wrapped in a suit

Dont wait until you have sold the house. It could take months to even get close seeing the political environment atm.

Ther is a good reason why he doesn’t want younto work. It’s an issue with power.
Him having the money is allowing him to do as he pleases because you are stuck there with no money of your own.
Same with the only using the CC, not spending too much and paying for business trips form his own cards. Or just living in the day to the airport and not telling ahead of time.

YY about having a look at statements for the cC and the bank account too.

This does ring major alarm bells. Does he contact you while he's away? Do you not see credit card/bank statements?

I would suspect affair too. You don't know any of his friends, so you don't know that they're all going on Saturday either. It's likely the OW is going on Saturday though.

Surely you have access to the joint account to check cash flow? If you can show what you spent on credit cards can't you see if he is paying it off every month? You sound very passive. I think you need to take more control of the financial situation.

My husband used to drive me nuts by taking no interest in our financial comings and goings. He would just transfer money to the joint account on request. I ended up setting up a monthly meeting where we discuss bills, medical insurance, savings etc. These things need joint discussion but I really had to push him to participate. Maybe you should do the same.

OP - some people have given you good advice on here and others I’m not so sure about but your situation resonates with me. So for what it’s worth:

Something isn’t adding up. None of us here can work it (no matter how quick we are to point fingers) but if it doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t. Your subconscious has picked up on something you’re not yet able to articulate. This is what you now need to fathom out.

Both me and my DH travel for work, but you know what - sometimes we just don’t get to do the cocktails in the US or whatever that everyone else is doing, cos we have a family and we (as a couple) and us a family put us first. Your husband isn’t doing this. You’re not living in a partnership where the other’s needs are taken on board, you’re just doing everything and he’s taking.

You sound like you’ve lost your sense of self. You could find this by going back to work, or through hobbies or all sorts of other things. I’d encourage you to explore this - for me working was critical but I know it isn’t always for others.

The money point absolutely doesn’t right. He’s hiding something. Sorry but even if you have to pay for everything then claim back you still have a good few weeks to do so (as everyone who’s ever used a credit card knows). It might be an affair, it might be an addiction or addictive lifestyle (are all these business trips really business?) he might just be shit with money but earning a six figure salary means you’re only skint if you have a spending problem.

It also only seems to you whose having to cut back? Despite his being short of cash he still seems to be able to jet around?

Be careful he’s not hiding behind a caricature of a disorganised personality to get away with his behaviour. Yes he absolutely would have known he was flying off and for how long, but if he waits until 5 minutes before he leaves he’s avoiding confrontation and you calling bullshit. That’s not considerate or normal behaviour on his part.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for quitting your job before. Reading your messages you were overwhelmed and you did what you did before you had a full breakdown. You can’t change the past but you CAN change your future and take steps to change your life to how you want it to look now.

Thanks @Freezingheart that’s how I feel about the travelling. Not that he can never travel but the situation is he chooses to go whenever he can and that previously if a job affected his home life he would stop and find something else that does work. He’s not even bothered.

I declined travel in my job. He seems to be taking more and more on.
However, with regards to the move, we would be moving closer to city so hopefully easier to find a nanny And also my commute would be shorter etc. It’s a complete move but I don’t have any family and friends would actually be closer and have already said they would help if I moved closer.
On the other hand I won’t be sitting on the house equity as that would go into the new home.

He just called saying his printer broke so he’s staying late haha come on. At least make a better excuse than that.

I found your updates chilling Op. Truly chilling.

Despite you describing him as a high earner he suddenly can't afford for you to stay at home, and in addition you don't know where all of the money is going. This is a really big problem Op. You need to look at all of the statements urgently and work out what is happening.

I would want to know exactly what is going on if I were you.

Yes it could be an affair, I am sorry to say or could it be a nasty gambling problem that is yet to be uncovered.

The fact he would not let you in his office is another very obvious alarm bell. I would be turning up unannounced with the children if you can tomorrow, and say Daddy deserves a treat a long with snacks.

All of this is wrong op. I have never ever heard of an office that bans the partners of their employees. Assuming he doesn't work at GCHQ there is no reasonable or feasible reason.

You need to draw up what a plan B looks like now, just in case.