To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

He's earning six figures, but he's broke? Work insists on lots of foreign trips, but he has to pay it himself and expense it back?

It doesn't sound right.

How much insight do you have into your finances? In your shoes, I'd be printing off the last three months' bank statements tomorrow and starting to go through them line by line.

My dh would not be allowed into my office (confidential info) but he would be allowed into the client area. I could take him into these public spaces albeit not my actual desk. Not being allowed at all in the building suggests he’s hiding you away. You’re his wife. You’re not a stranger from a bar. Why on earth would you not be invited up - there would almost certainly be a further client reception upstairs. Have you met his work colleagues before? And honestly who prints anymore?

But seriously OP - take your time to work out where the money is going. It’s going somewhere. I do all the finances but whenever my dh asks why the bloody hell hes paying so much I skint I show him the bank statements - he has full transparency and can see why yes he does have to pay that but also what I pay and where it goes. Look through records. Calculate your incomings and outgoings. You can do it under the guise of household finances, monies for moving house (you mentioned this earlier) whatever.

Hope it all works out.

Call a halt to the house sale until you find out what is going on.
I am so sorry OP.
It is better to find out the truth than be taken for a fool.
If he is in a high earning job he is not stupid or incompetent. Therefore he must know full well what he is doing.

This does sound unfortunately as if there might be more to his stories... sorry op 😞

Although, for those questioning the strange expenses system, DH is a high earner and he has to pay up front for hotels but not flights - sometimes this is thousands of pounds for a week, think Manadrin Oriental in Hong Kong. Then he claims it back and his employer gives him a physical CHEQUE (remember those?). He doesn’t travel enough for a corporate card though and his company feel like they are doing him a favour because he can get rewards from spending on credit cards like air miles etc

When he travels long haul he flies Sat-Friday as he doesn’t adjust well to different time zones so uses the Sunday to readjust his body clock. I don’t mind this as it’s about 4 times a year and we get a tonne of airmiles from first class flights.

Something really isn't adding up.

Affair possibility aside, how big is the company he works for? I find it very hard to believe that in one of a decent size there isn't an office manager/assistant whose job it is to book travel for employees and that they all do it themselves out of their own pocket, to be reimbursed months down the line. If there really isn't, he should be telling them that he's got no money for his family and they need to pay him upfront.

I think you should start digging through the finances to see where all the money is really going. And definitely get yourself back to work and earning, in case you need to go it alone.

There is way more to this than him just travelling. He is up to something.

OP

He is probably having an affair and spending the money that should be going to you and your family on himself and his girlfriend.

Get super angry but do not show it. Investigate, investigate. Do not sell the house and definitely do not go back to work yet.

I wonder if this fucker actually has another 'wife and family' somewhere. Maybe there's another woman getting furious about all his 'business travel' ie the time he is spending with you and your DC.

If it isn't that, then it's a very high level of abuse and coercive control - he is trying to keep you trapped in the house with DC. He sabotaged your job by never being the one who stepped up when eg DC needed picking up early from school due to illness/weather, he does nothing round the house and now he is telling you there is no money - does this extend to you/DC actually going short of food?

@Endofthelinefinally absolutely right. I’d much rather be well informed than stuck in this situation forever.
He’s really pissed me off. I am so incredibly angry. I spoke to him about why his companies expense system is so shit and how his secretary books his flights if he has to pay for them.
Turns out he benefits from paying for it from the credit cards ‘offers’ system and also from the credit card cash back system. So he’ll book somewhere and get say £50 cash back. He does still have to book hotels as he said they’re normally payable on checkout but not flights.

I don’t have access to any statements but I can see what was paid out of the joint account where his salary comes from but unfortunately won’t have any listing of items.

I am really going to have a good look when he’s gone now. I won’t be selling house either until I’ve got to the bottom of this.

I am fuming. And yes, who stays at work because they couldn’t print something. I really must have mug on my forehead!
So so angry!

OP I think you are quite right to put the house sale on hold.

You mentioned taking your share of the equity and leaving and it's possible this is what your DH is also planning.

He has shown himself to be a master of the fait accompli and probably realises this would be the best way to get 50% of the equity. As SAHP you would likely be entitled to more at present.

You sound very intelligent and have, IMO, found yourself in this situation through no fault of your own.

Agree with Wheelerdeeler "Childcare is a family expense. Not just your wages. Get a nanny. He'll have to pay. You deserve a career"

Your husband is taking the piss.

So agree with MyBrexitIsIll "Stop living your life around him.
If you hate been a SAHM so much (and I can really understand that one!), go back to work.
Do t ask your DH if he is ok with it. Just do it."

"The very big problem there is that you are going to get more and more ressentful of been stuck at home whilst he is out having fun.
The real risk is that you end having enough and want out. You’ll be better with a job."

"I think first step is definitely me a job out. I know I’m responsible for a lot of the issues.
Sorry for long post."

You are not responsible for these issues, he is taking the piss. It's your thread so long posts from you are fine.

Read you updates, no advice but others seem to know there stuff here.

Find it all out and then decide what you want to do.

Good luck.

Don't sell the house or look for a job until you have found out what is going on.
He must be hiding money.
Is the house in joint names?
How much is your mortgage payment?
Insurances?
Any ISA's, trust fund or savings account for dc?
Are the energy bills and CT in joint names?
How many credit cards/ bank accounts?
Another of my friends was able to rumble her ex via his credit card statements.
I have just realised how many people I know personally have married men who treated them appallingly. All really intelligent, capable women.

If he's earning bonus cash by using his credit card (and has a £100k salary anyway), he definitely shouldn't be out of money.

It's possible he had an expensive month if he booked lots of stuff, but everything prior should have been expensed back already. Does he literally have zero savings month-to-month?

Something definitely is fishy about all this, and financially it doesn't add up. Use that anger we'll!

My DH occasionally charges work trips to our joint credit card (for air miles!) but a) the reimburse him very quickly, not like on next months psycheque and b) he tells AND shows me the charge, so that when I check our statement I know what £200 on EasyJet is (as an example).

So I get him using his own card but I don’t get the secrecy and last minute trips seem really odd.

How was his printing in the end?

Having read your updates I agree that it does not all add up.

However, I do like the naive idea some posters have that you get a company credit card for expenses, or you get expenses paid back quickly. In your dreams, in most cases, for most companies. Employers are extremely keen on employees making them interest-free loans.

It's very hard to know what is going on. On balance of probabilities the most likely explanation is that he is having an affair. It could also be that he is just very very selfish and it suits him to have you at home with very little money and no career while he does exactly what he wants and spends money on what he wants.

You need to investigate this for your own piece of mind but whatever the outcome you need your career back. If he is unwilling to share the childcare responsibilities that will enable this including paying for it then you would be much much better off on your own.

A friend of mine is an EA to a couple of pretty senior folk in the City. At least half her day is acting as travel agent.

If nothing else, tell him to get a credit card just for work and if his secretary he then fucks up with his expenses claim, that's his problem.

"No wives allowed". Fucking ridiculous.

Good luck OP.

OP - I just came on to say that, although I think your DH seems to have a strange attitude to money, millions of men (and women) with families, travel frequently with work and that, in itself, is not unusual at all. My DH travels a lot more frequently than yours and often with little notice and we have 3 DC. It’s been that way for 15 years. We accept it funds our lifestyle and we’re all used to it. Most of my friends’ have DHs like this. In fact in the area we live in London it’s the norm.

Out of all the people I know, I can only think of one case where travel = affair in the last decade and, to be fair, he would have had that affair even if he’d stayed put in London.

Having said this, the finances in your situation sound odd. I’ve been a SAHM for a long time, but I certainly wouldn’t have been if DH was restricting my access to money. No way. He can’t have it both ways, frankly.

If you have a joint account, can you just not log on and see where the money is going? £100 k will not go far if you have a large mortgage or school fees, but you only have one child by the sound of it? Are you paying school fees?

To be honest, I have no idea where a lot of our money is, but I do know DH would be happy to explain it if I asked him. We’ve always had a joint account and everything is family money. He does have various company accounts, investment and City Index portfolios, but he rarely uses credit cards.

Apart from the odd finances, the main issue is that you feel stuck and unhappy. This is no good for your child, so yes, I think you should prioritise finding a job if that’s what you feel you need to do. It doesn’t really matter what your DH thinks at this point because it’s all theoretical. Do find the job, present it to him as a reality and then he will just have to deal with it. It doesn’t sound as if he’s giving you any other option if he’s restricting your spending as you describe - he’s not your dad fgs! Tell him to either put up or shut up because he can’t have his cake and eat it.

Slightly off topic but I am genuinely open mouthed that married couples with children don't have complete transparency about the money coming into the home. Extraordinary. It's like something out of the 1950s.

My DH travels a lot more frequently than yours and often with little notice and we have 3 DC. It’s been that way for 15 years. We accept it funds our lifestyle and we’re all used to it. Most of my friends’ have DHs like this. In fact in the area we live in London it’s the norm.

Presumably you agreed with this though and are happy to be a SAHM. OP didn't sign up to being the one that did all the parenting while her DH had a career which is what has happened due to his travelling and lack of involvement with childcare. It seems she quite specifically didn't want him to have a job that involved travelling and further he doesn't need to do that.
The other problem is that he extends the travel period unnecessarily.