To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

@OliviaStabler not all companies pay for business class - mine doesn't. We fly on weekend and get the time back. Times of business class travel for everyone are long gone...

@theothermum That's interesting. The companies I've worked for and with usually pay for business class over a set number of hours. I think it is over 6 hours you were entitled to fly business class at my last workplace. They'd see it as unproductive to make someone fly economy, take a day or two to recuperate and then give them all that time back.

@OliviaStabler my last company was the same - business class over 6h. Current company - everyone flies economy regardless of the distance. And the West Coast in economy when you have to be at work the next day is not fun at all.

@theothermum That is not good at all. If I had to fly for work on a regular basis I couldn't work for a company who didn't pay business for longer flights. You'd spend your time exhausted.

Me either. It’s the first thing I’d look for if interviewing for a job with long haul travel.

It's quite sickening how many men feel entitled to take advantage of their wives this way - manipulating finances and work in order to cast women aside with nothing.
Do you have a bank account that is in your name only, OP? If not, set one up while he's away, and see if you can access any money from the joint account to transfer into it.

From friends’ experiences, it’s more likely to be financial services companies that shell out for business or first class, or it’s restricted to people at CEO, COO, CFO etc level. DH’s business is very mobile, you could generally only book above economy level on 8 hr + flights. Or if you could get the client to agree to stump up.

I'd suggest you DONT look for work until you've worked out what's happening. If you separate shortly after getting a job, that will be detrimental to you financially. While I believe we should all support ourselves, given it's fairly obvious you'll be left with the kids, remaining in a position where he will have to financially support you all for the time being while you come to terms with everything and get your world back in order would be sensible.

While I believe we should all support ourselves, given it's fairly obvious you'll be left with the kids, remaining in a position where he will have to financially support you all for the time being while you come to terms with everything and get your world back in order would be sensible.

I understand that would happen after a divorce (for a time)but if from the time of separation to divorce surely OP would be in a very vulnerable position if she didn't have a job unless she had access to money which apparently she doesn't. If the cards and bank account are in his name he can prevent access.

The courts will currently expect the family finances to support all parties as they currently do. However, if she starts earning now, the courts expectations will be different and if the OP leaves her job quickly or is unable to keep working due to the separation or the consequences of it, it could be argued that she is deliberately impoverishing herself as she's shown she is able to work and earn. At the very least, worth getting proper advice on the subject first. Keeping the current status quo regarding work and residence is the best tack initially as far as I understand.

The courts will currently expect the family finances to support all parties as they currently do.

Yes, understand that but what happens between separation and the court? If OP doesn't have a job and no access to the joint bank account etc she will be very vulnerable without a job.

So, what's happening now? It was this weekend wasn't it? When has he booked his flight for?

Thanks all. Sorting things out. He’s going tomorrow.
I contacted an old friend who’s a solicitor to get some advice.
House sale will be on hold for now and will be easy to turn down viewings etc while he’s away. Have asked him for access to the credit cards. So far no access and he’s dragging it out by packing/sorting out flights/working/too busy to get them for me right now ‘what’s the urgency all of a sudden’...

I feel so drained now and feeling unwell. Want him on a plane just so I can get some headspace and think about everything. I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do think somethings not quite right.

OP I'm so sorry to read this, but I too think something really dodgy is going on. There will be a way to find out about finances, if your worrying that he could be getting into loads of debt, you could always create an account on experia, tbh if you know a lot of his information, you could always set one up in his name and see if there are any large credit based red flags. Might be a start?

OP, I hope it all works out for you. I hope your husband gives you online access to the bank accounts and credit cards, and you find that errors in budgeting account for the strange lack of money. It does happen - people often overlook some annual expenses, or underestimate how much is spent on house maintenance, etc.

If it does not work out I hope you get good legal advice and move on happily with your life.

Oh, OP. Your story really resonates - you are too trusting.

People generally do trust the person they have married, NonGarter. That's the person who is supposed to love you, do right by you, treat you fairly, etc. Of course, this is why arseholes get away with poor behaviour.

Agree, @Reanimated. That doesn't make you a mug, OP.

I used to work in corporate credit cards for an oil company. We handed these out for booking corporate travel but before these were implemented, employees were advised to have a personal credit card which would be used for corporate travel and expenses only. That way if work were late paying off the balance, they couldn't argue the late fee penalties added on top. He should have two credit cards, one for work and one for family. You shouldn't be running out of money.

I think the credit score idea is a good one. You will be linked financially with him so it will show credit applications made.

Has he gone now OP and did you get access to the accounts?
I agree that he should have a separate credit card for work related expense. DH does this and the money comes out of a separate account too.

I feel so drained now and feeling unwell. Want him on a plane just so I can get some headspace and think about everything. I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do think somethings not quite right.

He is quite possibly just a selfish tosser who has been used to doing what he wants when he wants.

How are you getting on OP?

Hi sorry I’ve been dragging myself around all week ill with an infection. Got antibiotics now. Dh decided to take a later flight and comes back tomorrow, I don’t even have the energy to get pissed off about it.
I have hardly spoken to dh with the time differences but he basically said that he will be travelling and it’s not a good time to move jobs quoting brexit blah blah. When he’s back I said I want him to get a work credit card as I would like to be able to make sure he is claiming back the correct things (he’s really disorganised so this is fair I think) he started to bs me so when he gets back I’ll have to ‘help’ him apply.

He’s back tomo. I’m off to put dc to bed and drag myself to bed as well. Dc loves to get up at 5am!!! Boy will I be throwing parental duties at him once he’s back.

It seems to me reading this thread that the husbands/partners are not being transparent. If they have nothing to hide, they would be. I also think women need to be a lot wiser and start doing things for themselves. That means ensuring you are still in the workplace earning your OWN money and not relying on somebody else who may or may not be there in years to come irrespective of how nice it might be to stay at home. I also think it's important to ensure you have enough money in an account to tide you over for a year or two pending the outcome of a divorce. Cynical, hell yes! Women need to look after themselves.