To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

Sorry OP but this is exactly what ended my friend's marriage.

They had two children, he increased his travelling because it was nicer than being at home changing nappies, she got sick of being taken for granted.

My husband and I both travel for work but we don't take the piss out of each other.

It’s selfish and won’t fix the issue.

You are not being selfish to expect your dh to be involved in caring for his children, and being there for you.

Dh presumably loves you and his family more, so will not mind moving to a job that has little or no travelling, as his first priority should be you and his child/children and not extended weekends in the US.

I can't get over how strange some of the posts are.

Since when is it selfish to address issues that are making you unhappy in your marriage ffs

He won’t change. So you have choices.

Make changes and make them work for you. Ie get a nanny and work that fits in. Or just have free time to peruse your own interests or learning.

Split up and probably still end up doing all the childcare but less arguments.

Give him ultimatums but be prepared to follow them through.

He probably thinks you kind of signed up to this when you resigned. However, it’s not working for you so, as a team, you need to find compromises and solutions. Leaving after the weekend is an ideal example of compromise.

Thanks for the replies I’ve been reading each one.
Tbh I feel like an idiot and this thread has helped me a lot. His meeting is on the Tuesday and he can fly out Monday morning if he wants and be there well in time for Tuesday. His colleagues are going so they can spend time in the US city at their own leisure ie partying and shopping.

He does not have to travel to have a job doing what he does. He’s more than experienced and qualified enough he could move jobs if he wanted to to make our family life easier. He travels at least once a month but often more and for reasonable lengths of time. It does tire him out as well and I have to put up with him sleeping off jet lag, being grumpy as tired etc.

I have wondered why he’s stuck at this job because he’s always moaning about it himself. I feel there’s something sticking him there as he’s never stayed a very long time in a job ie been at this one 5 years now so would make sense to move when they haven’t promoted him for a couple of years but he’s not looking like he’s any plans to move.

Once I went to his office at lunch as I had a client round the corner from it and he wouldn’t let me through the door saying wives aren’t allowed in the office.
I did wonder if that was a bit off. I asked him wtf if he’s at MI5 or something, I’ve worked in offices with airport style security and he’s always been allowed in.
But I doubt an affair is happening for the simple reason he’s so disorganised I’d be surprised he could even sort it out ha!!
The last couple of months he’s said there’s no money for me to spend as he needs it to spend on his flights and hotels for work which he claims back the following months.

I spoke to him last night nicely and said it’s time I went back to work based on his no money left for me to spend comments.
His reaction was not great but I said it’s really none of his business if I go back to work when I’ve been told we’ve no money for me to have to myself and also his travelling is getting more and more ridiculous for our family and if I have a job he will have to reign it in or we won’t be a family anymore.
I think I honestly need the backbone of having a job to stand up and stay no to him.

He’s asked me to wait until we move house as we’re selling ours at the moment. It’s not sold yet though so I’m not sure what to do.
I think I’ll use the time he’s away to get my head clear and start looking for a nanny. Hell have to find the money to pay for one until I get a job. I’ll also start seeing what I can get job wise if I go FT and back to the city.

So tired of this. Also fantasising about taking the house sale equity and setting up again alone. Ahh what a mess I’ve got myself into

Rein it in

Oh mate. This sounds totally dodgy. No wives allowed. Wtaf.

It’s not uncommon to fly long haul on Saturday to be ready for Monday. DH will often play a round of golf or have team meetings on Sunday to hit Monday running.

I too gave up my high paying career to support his career. Do I resent it? Yes, from time to time. I’ve taken jobs, done well-paid (contractor) some not so (school term time only) so that I maintain a semblance of career/use my skills/have a wider social group.

I see our joint salaries as an overall annual income and draw down childcare costs on that basis. A PP mentioned Childcare.co.uk which I’ve found an excellent source of childcare.

It sounds as though you need to pen and paper your options, then sit down as a couple and work out how to make them work.

Wow it just got a whole lot worse.

We have to pay expenses out of pocked in my company which is somewhat archaic but all travel / hotels etc are booked through a travel management company. Expenditure on expenses should NOT be affecting his cashflow.

No wives allowed, weekend travel, no money. How was the previous nanny funded, was that with your job?

Cross-posted with you there OP. I sort of agree that families shouldn’t visit workspace, but the more you expand the more of an ass DH is sounding.

Why hasn’t he got a corporate Credit card for his travel and expenses?

It doesn’t sound good, so you need to strengthen your financial position.

Don’t wait to seek work until the house is sold, that could take ages. Put the time in now, and apply for good roles, network, see agencies etc.

You can’t organise childcare until you have a job anyway.

So his money goes into his sole account?

The “no wives at work” thing is bollocks.

Don’t wait. He’s lost his opportunity to ask you to wait by being so unreasonable.

Have you decided where your next house is going to be. If not I would be insist it is near your family so you have more support when you are either working or when he’s away with work.

You don’t want to be saddled with a bigger house and mortgage and be in an area that is not the best place for you and your dc while he’s gadding about the planet.

Finances-wise, money should be going into a household joint account in both your names. This money is used for bills, childcare, cars, etc. As someone else asked why hasn't he got a corporate credit card for his Expenses? If they travel so frequently it seems really really odd that 'a huge company' does not have this and expects employees to cough up front for a week in the USA?

Also, do you not know his work colleagues at all? Surely you would know if some of the people he works with have kids or families, does he ever talk about any of them?
I also find it hard to believe that a company will pay for employees to stay even one extra night in hotels in the USA to 'party' on company expenses, if they don't need to be there til Monday.

Have you ever spoken to anyone he works with? Do they know you exist or that he’s actually married? The no wives at work is utter rubbish by the way.

As for expenses, the first month of doing this might be right but after that it becomes a rolling basis, goes out and then comes in. So again that’s rubbish also.

As you said OP, take this time to figure out what you want. Doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change tho, I’m not sure what benefit he gains (apart from not having to help more with the move), if you go back to work before or after your house move.

Your latest updates raises LOADS of questions.

He sounds intolerable. Not the job - him.
He earns 6 figures but is short of money?
You live somewhere that makes it hard for you to work?
He doesn't want you going back to work?
Even when he's home he does nothing to contribute to family life?

He's using you & sucking you dry and you don't even get to benefit from the HUGE salary he is earning, which you're enabling.

Take some time to find out about money. I bet he has a stash somewhere. Even if you can't find it just work out how much is coming in and how much you should have spare every month. I bet there's a big gap between what he says there is and what there should be.

What would happen if you split up? Could you move to where there's work and support yourself, DC and pay for an au pair?
If you stay together could you get an au pair anyway?
Start making decision on what you want your life to be like, and then doing it.

He pays no consideration for you OR his own child! He'd happily see you depressed, trapped, and short of money. That's really damaging for both you & your child. That's the man he is.

Why hasn’t he got a corporate Credit card for his travel and expenses?

Not all companies give their employees corporate credit cards, even the higher up staff.

The no wives allowed thing sounds really dodgy though!

Sorry but if my H said to me there's no money for me because he has to pay for flights I'd be out the door.

No wives? As a pp said, do they even know he's married? Or does he just have a 'nanny' ie. you , at home?

Oh, and the no wives at work? He's got a work wife. One he sleeps with and who organizes everything for him. tbh, that's not even the worst thing he's doing to you.

What would happen if you split up?

^^

Good question.

Ok I don’t stalk husband at work I happened to be round the corner and said I’d meet him for lunch which he agreed to. He was late so I walked into his building which I’d never been to and I sat in the buildings reception (not his companies) & I called him and said I’m downstairs shall I come up. He said no he’ll come down as no wives are allowed in the office and then came down immediately. I’m not saying I agree wives in an office but I would never have refused him entry and I’ve worked in some high profile buildings all of which I’ve never not been allowed him through. So that was weird but genuinely think perhaps he was embarrassed of me turning up rather than an affair or whatever.
I’ve never met any of his colleagues. He works an hour away and no needs to.

My salary paid the nanny. It worked that my salary covered the nanny and my own disposable income. Whatever was left went into a joint pot I never questioned this, I didn’t see it as my salary more just trying to work to keep the benefits of me working going. The nanny did their notice we both agreed I wouldn’t work and we could afford to live from his salary. His money goes into joint account but he says I have to spend on credit card only can’t have any cash because it will muck things up. Not sure how. Assume paying off credit cards. The card is in his name. He just says not to spend on it every now and then when he’s had a big outgoing on expenses in a particular month. I literally feel like I have the same disposable income now as when I was a junior living with my parents half the time!!

Re the company credit card. My god have I stressed this to him. How utterly ridiculous it is he has to fund business flights to USA plus hotel/taxis etc prior to claiming them back.
He’s got form as well for getting up in the morning and saying oh I forgot I’m going to this country today then pegs it to the airport hops onto a plane that morning and I’m not long out of bed before I’ve realised he’s actually gone for the next few days. So any plans I’ve made go out the window. This is since I became 100% free childcare hence the resentment.

I think first step is definitely me a job out. I know I’m responsible for a lot of the issues.
Sorry for long post.

A marriage is about common ground. You are unhappy & were over-stretched while working. A nanny won't solve that. I would be concerned why he wants to spend so much time away.

@KickAssAngel if he has got a work wife I wish she’d bloody get his schedule organised!!

Jokes aside, yes there definitely seems to be some discrepancies with where the monies going. I brought it up last night and forced him to explain where this ‘black hole’ of funds is, he had blamed it on me until I showed him I’d spent £500 on credit card including food shopping. Im not exactly spender of the year I live pretty frugally.
He says he’s going to check out the credit card statements he probably hasn’t claimed something back from work.