To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

Being a mum is a big job, an important job, don't undervalue it

Being a mum isn’t a “job”. Most mums have a job/career on top of “being a mum”. It’s not the ‘50s any more, you know.

Being a mum is a big job, an important job, don't undervalue it

Oh hello 1950s. Being a firefighter is also an important job, not everyone wants to hand their life over to that either. Being a dad is quite important too btw - failing to parent even for a few hours at the weekend is pretty shit parenting.

OP he is taking the piss. He has effectively coerced you into being his full time housekeeper/nanny with benefits rather than enabling you to be a SAHP - the two are very different.

I'm the traveler in my family. I was acutely aware of the impact on the family and turned down opportunities to minimise it when we had growing children. It hasn't hurt me long term to do that - ironically the opposite happened. I travel more now but our DC are all grown.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to take an overseas jolly at a weekend if I was also doing some traveling that month. Most of the men I've every worked with who travel do their utmost to minimise the family impact just as I did.

He sounds like an overgrown graduate trainee who hasn't yet grown out of the "ooh exciting business travel" nonsense.

I agree with pp suggesting you have a bigger problem than one weekend.

He should be paying half of childcare costs when you go back to work.
Yanbu to insist he looks after his own Children on Sunday & flies to the US on Monday

Is it unusual that all colleagues would fly out on a Saturday instead of the Monday? My first thought when reading the OP is that there could be someone in particular that he wants to be spending time with. Just seems unlikely that all of his colleagues, despite having families and travelling regularly would decide to fly off early for a jolly unless it's a specific team event.

He has no worries.
He has you to do that. You are the housekeeper and the nanny. And the poor thing is tired from traveling? Aah bless him.
I would kick his sense of family into the next millennium and tell him where to go quite honestly.
sorry for the honesty probably not what you need to hear

Oooo I'd be so pissed off OP.

YANBU

But as PPs said, this is about more than a Saturday flight. You're not happy in general.

What will you do about it?

Oh dear your resentment and jaleousy of your OH comes up so strongly in your post. It sounds like you don't want to have what you perceive as fun when you yourself feel trapped and unhappy.

The issue is not your OH travelling once a month, many business men travel much more than that. The issue is you. You need to get back into a rewarding job. Sort out childcare. Why wasn't it working out with the nanny? Find another one that works around your hours.

You really need to focus on yourself rather than taking it all out on your OH as the more you rise t him, the more he will want to be away from you and the more likely he is to agree to more travelling rather than the other way.

Have you had a conversation with you DH about what he wants for his career? What his aspirations are? Whilst I appreciate that your are not feeling valued at the moment, making the decision on your husbands career path is extremely inappropriate.

Have you spoken to him about how unhappy you are? You commented before that you didn’t like to work full time as you DC only saw you both on weekends, so are you wanting to go back part time or full time? If part time are you happy to do a heavy share of the household chores as he is working full time? If not, can you hire a cleaner or someone to help out?

Is there a reason whilst you have to live in the small town you are currently in? Can you not move to where you were living before to find work easier? If he is travelling abroad so much I would presume longer travel to and from work for him would be a sacrifice he could make to support you.

I AM listening to you op.

A bloody spa break will not help you!! Nor will backing down on this weekend (You are giving him the message that he can continue to do what he likes)

I would think you are at the stage now, having gone to such huge lengths to avoid marrying an absent husband/father that you say it is me (and child) or your job, but we can NOT continue like this.

It is the mother of all conversations where you lay down exactly how you feel, how it can be solved and you come to an agreement about a new job with no travel, a part time job each (money is not more important that happiness) or he tells his current company he can no longer travel. Whichever one you both choose, you can not carry on. His career is NOT more important than you and his family.

When you were first together he did not travel, but over time, probably when you have been too tired, distracted and worn out to notice the travel has crept in and has not been discussed. I know the feeling of waking up one day and your life looks absolutely nothing like how you want it to be/have chosen.

The impact on his career is important, but hey how about the impact on YOUR career and life?

I suggest for family harmony you each try the part time option, or both work full time possibly (but his job will now have zero travel) and a nanny and a cleaner to help at home. The most essential part of this transition is that he understands what the travelling is doing to you, your child and your family life. The unhappiness it brings. You will not allow it to continue.

Underneath all of this, I sense a real concern that you and your family are no longer important to him. Do not ignore this, action is needed, change is needed. Don't take no for answer. He has for too long ignored your needs, happiness and loss of self.

Now is the time you draw your red lines, your boundaries and you shape your life and his to meet everyone's needs and not just his.

This isn't about being away for a couple more days, though, is it? It's about you being very unhappy with your domestic set up

I agree.
Op I was in the same situation as you, OH traveled a lot with work, sometimes weeks at a time.
He was extremely appreciative of my role in the family and when he was at home would spend all his time engaging with the children, being nice to me, cooking and doing as much as he could to engage with family life.

TBH I really enjoyed the times he was away- the house ran like clockwork!

Do you have time during the week to work more?How old is your youngest? You work from home- could you increase your hours?
I started working from home when my kids were very young ,and I still do- 18 years later.

Affair. Obviously.

I think a lot of people are missing the point. It’s not that OP gets no “me” time. Or that she feels overwhelmed. It’s because she wants both parents to parent, and she doesn’t want a situation like where she was growing up and wouldn’t see her parent because of travel.

It’s a shitty way to bring up children and best avoided if possible. In this case, it is possible by seeking a new job without the travel element.

The issue is you

No it really isn't. The issue is with a DP making his own choices and ignoring any needs or wants for the OP. The issue is entirely with him.

Find another one that works around your hours

Yes because that is so easy when you have to be both parents and can never rely on the other parent being there. Currently the DP isn't even parenting for the few hours she does work and did you miss the bit about lack of flexible opportunities where she lives?

You really need to focus on yourself rather than taking it all out on your OH as the more you rise t him, the more he will want to be away from you and the more likely he is to agree to more travelling rather than the other way.

We really are in the 1950s - she must not annoy him because he might not like it. He shouldn't be agreeing to a change in job/role with so much traveling without discussing it with his partner. That is what a partnership/marriage is about - mutually agreeing major decisions, not one partner deciding something life changing and the other contorting to survive around it in case he doesn't like being challenged.

How does avoiding travel once a month going to drastically change him bring more of a parent?

Its nothing to do with this, it's to do with OP unhappiness that she can't have it so neither should her OH.

She wanted to stop work because she missed her children and thought being a sahm would be nice. Now she realises that although nice in some ways, she also misses the excitement of a career/FT job.

Why should her OH give up on a rewarding job just because OP is dissatisfied with her choices?

Either go back to work FT and accept to have a nanny. Many couples work FT with careers and the kids grow up emotionally well-balanced, or find activities at home, maybe look into some self-employment or look for more exciting PT work.

Is it unusual that all colleagues would fly out on a Saturday instead of the Monday

No it's much cheaper to stay a Saturday night even with an extra hotel bill if you are going to the US - or at least used to be. But if the event starts Monday how can they fly on Monday? Or does it start in the evening or on Tuesday? To be fair I think I'd want a night's sleep to try to avoid the worst of the jetlag before a work do.

But if you don't like being a SAHM change it. It can be hard to find something that fits in with school but not impossible and there are more and more opportunities to work from home as well.

This trip is just part of the much bigger issue of you SAH and his selfish choices. His behaviour suggests that it’s unwise to remain AH.

Realistically the best way to get your financial independence back could be to apply for full time roles with a commute to the city you previously worked in in the first instance, and get a nanny again, or if DC are old enough an au pair.

She wanted to stop work because she missed her children
No, her waste of space husband wasn’t pulling his weight making keeping up with work and family very pressured for her.

swingofthings

You are missing the point with respect, the issue is that op chose her dh based on the fact he would NOT be travelling and would be a present and available father and husband, and he is neither of those anymore.

Getting a job wouldn't change the fact she feels he does respect her (does not discuss dates before committing, does not care about how much work she is doing on the childcare front) and does nothing at all to lessen the impact of his travelling.

Op made a huge effort to ensure she did not end up with someone like her father, and yet here she is with exactly that problem.

Dh needs to address the core issues and adjust his working practice or get a new job.

**Does NOT respect her

I would also want to be sure he isn't having an affair op, if he is emotionally also unavailable and distant, then it must be a possibility sorry.

The reason you are stuck where you are is because he is chasing his career and travelling opportunities at your expense op! That is why you are seething.

You have been left holding the baby.

He changes jobs with no travel so he can support a new job for you. You will be much happier and the childcare will not automatically fall to you. Do not have anymore children!

How has this thread turned into he’s having an affair! Seriously.....

Swingofthings is right, him travelling less is not going to change his parenting style.

I honestly just don’t see how you could ask you DH to give up a job he presumably loves just because you are unhappy as a result of choices you made. It’s selfish and won’t fix the issue.

I love that a poster manages to turn the OP’s comments that she couldn’t manage the workload of working in her job and home, and (in another post) that she thought she was having a breakdown, into a twee “she missed the children and fancied being a sahm”.

Sorry only read OP's posts but I echo whoever said nanny salary should be coming out of family money, not solely OP's salary (I'm sure someone would have said it).

If the job he loves stops him being a good dad then he has a pretty obvious choice to make.